Things had gone back to normal after the last bit of silliness that had occurred. Voldemort was receiving daily hate email from Harry while nursing his migraine and Sauron was happily tormenting Peter Jackson in his dungeon for portraying him as a giant flaming eye. He was lounging in his throne room, thinking about how much he missed his shiny ring (he had long since lost it) when the door burst open. Dumbledore entered, looking politely interested in the surroundings.
“Wonderful decorating job. Very dark-lordish.”
“What? You’re supposed to be dead!” Sauron cried.
“Am I not?”
“Wait, you just referenced ‘Pirates of the
“Yes. In fact, I was wondering if you knew the current whereabouts of one Mr. David Jones?” Sauron put his head in his hands and began weeping. It had begun again.
Voldemort stared at the undead wizard who called himself “Milenko”, feeling very confused.
“And so, if I help you in your quest to find Davy Jones, I’ll get a reprieve from hell?”
“But I’ve made myself immortal!”
“What about the end of the world?”
“There really will be an end of the world? I thought that was just Tim LaHaye running off at the mouth.” He looked closely at the wizard. “Why is your hair red?”
“It’s a long story. You see, at the age of seven I was abducted by aliens—” The door burst open. A ringmaster with long claws and red eyes hurried up to them.
“I’m the only one here allowed to have red eyes!” Voldemort protested.
“Shut up,” the Ringmaster said, hitting him over the head with his cane.
“Why’d you—OW! I’ve already got a migraine!” The Ringmaster had hit Voldemort again.
“We have to find Davy Jones and you, Tom Riddle, must go with us.”
“Why?” Voldemort asked in a rather whiny voice, as his headache was worsened, ignoring the use of his real name.
“Because, your pet snake and final Horcrux is being held hostage in the Gryffindor Tower of Hogwarts!”
“And they were so delighted that they made me their chief.” Ginny and Hermione were sighing over Captain Jack Sparrow, who was regaling them, Harry, and Ron with his fifth tale of how a group of natives had made him their chief. He leaned back and put his arms around the girls. Harry and Ron both shouted their protests.
“Don’t touch Ginny!”
“Sure, forget all about me,” Hermione said in a hurt voice.
“Oh, don’t touch Hermione either,” Ron said hastily.
“Look, Jack…” Harry began.
“What?” said another voice. They turned to the two beings by the fireplace, who both had Nagini in a death grip. Nagini was saying several obscene things which only Harry could understand.
“I wasn’t talking to you,” Harry said to the one who was sitting up, gazing at him in confusion. He thought it was just his luck that two fire spirits from the Dark Carnival inexplicably shown up with Voldemort's pet snake . Several things were scorched already.
“I suppose you’re still mad at me, are you?” the other Jack said.
“It seemed like a good idea at the time.” His brother smacked him in the head. “What was that for?”
“I’ve decided to hit you every time you say, ‘it seemed like a good idea at the time’, because it never seems like a good idea, you just think it does.”
“That doesn't make any sense!” They immediately began fighting for what was probably the tenth or eleventh time. Nagini slithered over to the corner, swearing in Parseltongue.
“Why are they even here?” Ron asked. “Why is Jack Sparrow even here?”
“Captain!” Jack corrected.
“The Matrix implanted them here,” said a voice from the farthest corner, where Nagini had slithered. It was an elf lord wearing dark sunglasses. “The Matrix has you all. Come with me,” he continued, pulling out a gun. “You must help me find the Red Book of Westmarch, which is hidden in the Hogwarts library.”
“Row 88R of the Restricted Section,” Hermione said automatically. “But why do you need it?”
“I’m really not sure,” the elf said. They all, including Nagini, followed him, leaving the twins to their fight.
“This boat is rickety,” Sauron said. Sauron, Voldemort, the Ringmaster, Dumbledore, and Milenko had all boarded the boat that would take them to Davy Jones.
“It is rickety,” Dumbledore said. “This will be great fun!”
“Yes it will indeed,” the Ringmaster agreed. Milenko was continuing his story to Voldemort.
“They had this hideous new extraterrestrial hair dye which they were loath to test on their own kind…” Ballydowse struck up a loud sea tune as the boat set sail.
“Why is Ballydowse here?” Sauron asked.
“Background music,” the Ringmaster replied.
“…they had poured the substance onto my head, but it burned like fire. I ripped loose from my bindings and threw myself into the nearest water, then darted for the door…”
“At least you weren’t squashed by a tire!” Dane Cook said with a laugh.
“Why is Dane Cook here?” Sauron asked, even more confused.
“Comedy relief,” Dumbledore told him.
“But this entire story is comedy.”
“Oh, you’re right…”
“Then we don’t need him,” the Ringmaster said, and promptly threw Dane Cook overboard.
“Well, now that that’s over with, we should be able to arrive at Davy Jones’ ship in a very short time,” Dumbledore commented blithely.
“Why do you think that?” Sauron challenged.
“Oh, because the time span in these stories is always terrible. Authors cut out to a different scene, then cut back to show a passage of time.”
“Who’s writing this anyways?”
The group moved silently through the Hogwarts corridor, following Agent Elrond’s odd glowy form, and every now and then having Captain Jack run into them drunkenly. Nagini suddenly let loose a string of swear words, and they turned around to see the strange twins standing there, once again holding on to Nagini.
“That was not cool, leaving us there like that.”
“Not cool at all.”
“It’s like you don’t like us or something.”
“You were trying to kill each other!” Harry protested.
“I would never try to kill Jake! Severely injure is another matter altogether—”
“Quiet! We’re at the library!” Agent Elrond snapped.
“Why do we need to be quiet?” Ron asked.
“Because I’m afraid of Madam Pince.”
“Oh.” They entered the library, preparing to face what lay ahead.
The boat stopped by a shipwreck in the search for Davy Jones. Sure enough, a ship soon rose from the sea.
“Prepare to board,” Dumbledore said, while Ballydowse played an appropriately mournful tune.
“Professor Snape?” Snape was standing guard by the Restricted Section. But that was not the odd part. Snape was wearing a flannel waistcoat.
“This is getting really silly,” Hermione said.
“Go right on in to the Restricted Section,” Snape told them. “I’ll fight off Madam Pince.”
“Why?” Harry asked suspiciously.
“I feel uncommonly and uncharacteristically good-natured today.”
“You won’t need to fight her off, mate, they’ve got the madam in a right state already,” Captain Jack said. Several bookshelves were on fire, and Madam Pince was swearing loudly and jumping up and down.
The strange sea creatures glared at the motley group.
“And what have you to do with the captain?”
“Oh, old times and whatnot,” the Ringmaster said vaguely, an answer which confused the creatures enough to let them pass through. They entered the captain’s chambers, only to find My Chemical Romance blaring “Welcome to the Black Parade”.
“Save us!” the lead singer hissed as they passed.
“Why are we here again?” Voldemort asked, but was ignored. Davy Jones stopped acting emo over his tragic past long enough to notice he had visitors.
“Well, it’s about time you showed up!” he cried. “I suppose you two want your payments for those lost card games?” he added, addressing Dumbledore and the Ringmaster.
“I wouldn’t mind taking a few souls back as well,” the Ringmaster said cheerfully. Davy Jones told him to go do something that wasn’t very nice, and pulled out…a bag of pipe tobacco and a bottle of brandy. These he shoved into Dumbledore’s and the Ringmaster’s hands.
“Now all of you, get off my ship! You! Keep playing music! My soul is in torment and you are my only hope!” The band began playing again, giving the group sad, desperate looks as they left.
The group boarded their boat once again.
“So we came all the way out here for tobacco and brandy you won in a bet against Davy Jones?” Voldemort asked.
“Then why’d you make us come along?” Sauron demanded. The Ringmaster smiled.
“Oh, it seemed like a good idea at the time.”
“It always seems like a good idea doesn’t it??” Jake was yelling at Jack, who was staring unconcernedly at the smoldering ashes nearby, over which Madam Pince was weeping.
“Would you two shut up?” Harry asked, irritated. “Don’t make me start sending you hate email too!”
“I’ll set your computer on fire!”
“So why are we standing here staring at the Red Book of Westmarch?” Hermione asked Agent Elrond.
“It is not something one just rips off the shelf! It is…special.”
“But I’ve read it dozens of times! For light reading!” Agent Elrond looked crestfallen.
“Well, I see you’re all having fun here!” Dumbledore appeared in the middle of the chaos.
“Professor Dumbledore!” Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny all shouted in unison.
“You’re supposed to be dead!” Harry exclaimed.
“Am I not?”
“Don’t you hate it when people do that, mate?” Captain Jack asked. He and Colonel Snape were happily drinking rum at a nearby table, Colonel Snape telling a tale of lost love.
“So…you’re telling me that Milenko made all that ‘reprieve from hell’ bit up?” Voldemort was yelling.
“Yes, he has a tendency to do that,” the Ringmaster said, then spotted the ashes. “JACK WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SETTING THINGS ON FIRE??”
“I can’t believe Peter Jackson escaped,” Sauron was grumbling. The library was now in utter chaos. Agent Elrond had thrown his sunglasses to the ground and stormed out.
“Foiled again!” he cried before he left.
“Give me back my pet snake!” Voldemort was yelling.
“It’s Jack’s fault!” Jake shouted back.
“Is not!” his brother yelled.
“That’s a good question,” Dumbledore said curiously. “Where is Nagini?”
Nagini was quite happy she had escaped the madhouse. She had slipped on a plane and was curled up under a seat, enjoying the in-flight movie (“Anaconda”). She found herself amongst many other snakes, which confused her.
“Are you escaping from madmen too?”
“No, a madman put us on here,” another snake answered. At this point a woman noticed them and screamed loudly. The plane was thrown into chaos.
It was a horrible flight for Nagini. She was chased around by an angry black man who looked a lot like that guy from “Pulp Fiction”, and he swore at her a lot and tried to shoot her. When the plane finally landed, Nagini, having wrapped herself securely around a seat, snuck out and made her way back to Voldemort’s lair. He greeted her joyfully, but she cussed him out and said that if he ever let two maniacs kidnap her again, she’d kill herself out of spite.
At this point, an armored hand grabbed my pen and broke it in half.
“I’m not taking this anymore!” Sauron yelled, pacing my living room. “You just keep on and keep on making this idiocy up and messing with us all. You’re as bad as me, tormenting people!” While he continued to rant, I discreetly took a pen from my purse which sat nearby and wrote, “And then everything went back to normal.” Sauron poofed away. Then I added, “Or did it?”