Thursday, June 10, 2010

The First of the Nonsense

Well, I had planned on going on a temporary hiatus while I packed everything and got ready for the big move (across the town); however, I've decided to foist some nonsense upon everyone. I have a feeling most of my family has seen this before; but I'm proud of it for it's sheer absurdity. I give you...The Lord of the Fandoms (Number 1).

Voldemort was, as usual, being dark and brooding. It was a hobby of his, which was why he kept a mirror around. He could never forget that embarrassing moment when that Potter brat entered his head as he was practicing his “angry Dark Lord” look…But that was over. He could practice in peace.

A loud knock resounded, drawing away his attention. Voldemort rearranged his face, then said, “Enter.” Wormtail scurried in. Voldemort had trouble not laughing at Wormtail, since he was constantly scurrying like that.

“My lord, I have news that may interest you,” Wormtail said with a bow.

“Harry Potter has been captured?” Voldemort asked hopefully.

“No, my lord…”

“Then what could possibly be so important as to interrupt me?”

“May I ask what you were—”

“No!” Voldemort snatched the paper out of Wormtail’s hand. It was a news article in the Daily Prophet: “Earlier today, in the castle of Miragul, the necromancer attempted to create a Horcrux, taking a cue from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Unfortunately for him, he accidentally hid his entire soul in the chosen object. He is currently wandering mindlessly about his castle.” Voldemort burst out laughing.

“Ah, Wormtail, the follies of those weaker than me! Let’s celebrate my vast power!” (It seemed like a good idea at the time)

“Yes my lord…”

“My lord!” Severus Snape burst through the door. “The Last Alliance is at the door!” Voldemort paused.

“The…the what?”

“The Last Alliance!” Several moments of silence followed, during which Voldemort blinked in confusion. Suddenly, Elendil, Isildur, and Elrond burst in!

“Give up your power, Evil One!” they cried. Voldemort stared at them.

“WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING HERE?” he roared. He felt very annoyed, and tried to kill them all. Unfortunately, the curse bounced off Elendil’s shield.

“Elf magic!” they said cheerfully.

“Elf as in…elf?” Snape asked, holding his hand close to the ground.

“No, elf,” Isildur answered, pointing to Elrond.

“Avada Kedavra!” Voldemort cried. Elrond held out a hand to the curse and said, “No.” Everyone went silent.

“Elrond,” Elendil said hesitantly. “You can’t keep doing that. You’re not Agent Smith.”

“But I work for the Matrix…”

“No, you’re just a cold and heartless elf lord!” a cheerful voice said. It was Aragorn!

“What are you doing here?” Elrond exclaimed, while Isildur and Elendil both murmured, “Hi…descendant?”

That’s when suddenly, Sauron apparated in the middle of the room.

“All right, who are these ‘Phoenix’ people and why is there a kid saying he has to kill me?” he griped.

“Oh, those are mine,” Voldemort said helpfully.

“Good, because these are mine.” Sauron gestured to the Last Alliance (and gave Aragorn a very confused look).

“Well, I suppose you’ll just have to switch then,” advised Snape.

“Look, Sauron can have them all,” Voldemort said.

“What? No! I have half a million soldiers to battle; I can’t handle an angsty teenage brat yelling at me all the time.”

“Kill them!” cried a strange voice. “Kill them both! Then Gollum can have his precious back…” They turned to stare at the strange creature randomly creeping about in the corner, then Voldemort killed him for no apparent reason. Gandalf apparated next to Voldemort and hit him in the head.

“Gollum was supposed to destroy the ring!” Gandalf lectured.

“What ring?”

“This ring!” Sauron said, holding out up his hand.

“What’s so special about that?”

“It’s his Horcrux,” Aragorn explained.

“You only have one? Ha! I have six! What now?” Voldemort bragged, while Gandalf fainted at the thought and Elrond inexplicably put on dark sunglasses.

“So you have an old annoying wizard too?’ Voldemort then asked Sauron.

“Yes, I suppose you do?”

“I did, but Severus here killed him for me.”

“Well they’re notorious for coming back to life,” Sauron warned, glaring at the fainted Gandalf.

“This one won’t!” a woman’s voice cried out.

“Wait…” Voldemort murmured.

“They can’t be…” Sauron said.

Three seconds later, Voldemort and Sauron apparated into a staff meeting between Jo Rowling, Christopher Tolkien, and the Matrix screenwriters.

“All right, you lot!” Voldemort cried. “Return everyone to their proper stories, or…” Before he could finish, a large anvil fell on his head.

“That was some fast writing, Jo,” Christopher said gratefully. Sauron flipped them all off and disapparated.

“Well, let’s all meet against next week, shall we?” Jo asked.

“Yeah, all right.” They left, noticing a random wizard who appeared to have no clue where he was and was, in fact, trying to get through a wall to no avail.

“Okay,” Christopher cried, “who wrote in Miragul?”

“Do you think that’s a good ending?” I asked Dale.

“Yep,” he replied, and went back to conquering the world on Civilizations.




I basically own nothing in this story, in case any copyright happy lurker gets any ideas. I clearly would never make any type of profit for this bit of nonsense. And if you're wondering, you can simply blame my husband for any and all confusion resulting from reading this.