Parody 5: The Disco Gathering!
TNT greets us cheerily. Thanks TNT! Then Londo starts talking.
Londo: So here’s B5. Lots of crazy, crazy crap happened. Probably because of all these weirdos here. Like…HEY THAT’S ME. Anyways, B5 was supposed to bring about peace. Guess how well that turned out.
Takashima: Are you guys loving this disco party or what?Ironheartish Guy: Damn straight.
Garibaldi: Where’s Sinclair?
Takashima: Dealing with a tourist problem.
Sinclair: Hey, I know that chick’s hot, but Arnasians like eating their mates. Like, literally.Tourist: D-:
A Sketchy Guy arrives. He is named Varner and is clearly Plot Relevant.
Garibaldi: I know, right? Here, Lyta, let me introduce you to Sinclair.Sinclair: What’s all this about “Elvis Lives”?
Lyta: HE DOES.
Sinclair: While Garibaldi talks about arc-relevant dust, let me explain all these telepath rules for the audience.
Random Guy: HEY I’M TAKING A HOSTAGE! Give me my arc-relevant dust back!
Sinclair: Let me use my mad negotiation/trying to get myself killed skills. Dude…this really isn’t going to work. Like at all. You’re just gonna get arrested one way or another. Also I have snipers. Like everywhere.
Random Dust Guy: Well, crap.
Sinclair: We’ll let you leave but if you take the hostage you die. Horribly.
Random Dust Guy: Hell!
Sinclair: Also we’ll blow you up next time you come here.
Random Dust Guy: D-:
Sinclair: And pillage your planet.
Random Dust Guy: I’m from Earth…
Sinclair: WE’LL PILLAGE IT ANYWAYS. So, Lyta, tour eh?
G’Kar: Takashima! My ship can’t dock and I hate your disco!Takashima: It’s a weapons search. I mean, come on, what’s with the jerkiness?
G’Kar: IT’S CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!
Sinclair: This is the alien sector. These guys have no problem being stared at by people walking through, and they don’t understand curtains.Lyta: So four alien ambassadors, eh?
Sinclair: Your future lov—mentor will be here soon.
Lyta: And why is it B5?
Sinclair: There were four. The first one sank into space. The second one sank into space. The third one burned down, fell over, then sank into space. The fourth one disappeared in a puff of plot device.
Teleporting Meeting Room
Takashima: Kosh said he’s on his way.Garibaldi: And we basically know nothing about Vorlons.
Dr. Kyle: But we do know what they breathe. Methane, sulfur, fun stuff.
Sinclair: And their sex lives?
Dr. Kyle: …
Sinclair: That’s a joke. No, really.
Dr. Kyle: …
Meanwhile, a robotic thing merges with the ship. The audience giggles.
Sinclair: Good God, Delenn, why do you look so masculine?
Delenn: I haven’t yet discovered cosmetics. I like this stone garden. You drop a rock in and it changes the pattern of the sand. It’s like a metaphor for what a single individual can do. I wonder if that’s arc relevant?
Delenn: So Kosh is on his way. Here’s all the information we have. Don’t tell anyone I gave it to you, and definitely don’t tell anyone what it says. Especially the audience.
Takashima: WHY IS KOSH HERE TWO DAYS EARLY?Random Guy 221: To screw with us?
Takashima: Damn straight. Call Sinclair. Maybe nothing will go wrong.
Audience: God why.
Varner: Hi.Mysterious Person: Die.
*he does so*
Sinclair: Who’s calling me?Carolyn: Hi Jeff. ~*~I have Carnelian bed sheets~*~.
Sinclair: Aren’t those frictionless? HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Carolyn: I…don’t know.
G’Kar: We’ll submit to your weapons search, and we’ll let Kosh come on board first.Takashima: Um…great? ...this is plot relevant, isn't it?
Londo: BIG MONEY! BIG MONEY!Garibaldi: Hey, I need to—
Londo: You jinxed me!
Garibaldi: Kosh is basically here. You’re coming to the reception. Even if I have to tranq you and prop you up in the room.
Londo: Hey, can you borrow me some money?
Londo: Remember that story about us conquering the galaxy?
Garibaldi: Londo, I have to go secure a Vorlon. Come meet us, we’ll have drinks, probably throw a disco party because I heard mysterious races like disco parties, that sort of thing.
Varnerish: I’LL BACK YOU LONDO!
Two business types negotiate, and Lyta happily points out that one guy is lying through his teeth.
Business Guy: Screw telepaths.G’Kar: Speaking of screwing telepaths…we need to talk.
Lyta: Oh dear God.
G’Kar: I want your genetics so we can make more telepaths. I would prefer the direct method of breeding. I’ll pick up the wine after we deal with the “greeting the Vorlon” thing. What color lingerie do you like?
Takashima: All right, Kosh, come on in. Don’t mind the disco party.
*is stuck*Sinclair: I wonder if this is plot relevant?
Docking of EPIC
Kosh turns around slowly, epically, as he emerges from the mist while music swells to a pitch in the background.
There’s no one there.
Kosh: …I made this entrance for nothing?
Sinclair: I got stuck on the elevator.
Then the Assassination Attempt Alarm goes off, and they enter the docking area to find Kosh has fallen down. HE FELL DOWN A
Takashima: The Vorlons say you can’t open the encounter suit.Dr. Kyle: How am I supposed to heal him?
Takashima: Apparently they’re epic jerks.
Sinclair: Dr. Kyle is bound to confidentiality, now cut the cameras and get to it.
Takashima: Did you know that the first person to see a Vorlon turned to stone?
Other Doctors: OH GOD WHY.
Dr. Kyle: But he’s just shiny! SO VERY VERY SHINY!
Kosh is exceedingly shiny indeed.
Senator Guy: So someone tries to kill Kosh the moment he steps off the ship? I mean what the hell. And Garibaldi is sketchy so I dunno about this.Sinclair: Whatev.
Garibaldi: Nice guy. So I think Londo’s sketchy, and lots of people are sketchy. Hell, the senator’s right, even I’m sketchy! And you need sleep.
Sinclair: Ah, sleep...NAKED GIRL IN MY BED! WHO NEEDS SLEEP?
Computer: So we don’t know what the heck is up with Kosh but he’s dying.Dr. Kyle: So the coolest alien ever is dying? I must call Sinclair.
Sinclair: I was sleeping with a naked girl!Dr. Kyle: That’s nice. Looks like someone poisoned him, have no idea what. But we don’t even know HOW it happened. And he’s basically dead within a day.
Sinclair: MY GOD MAN, THAT WILL THROW OFF THE ENTIRE ARC! Security, someone tried to kill the awesome alien. Don’t let anyone go anywhere EVAR.
G’Kar: IT WAS LONDO! Totally Londo.Delenn: Okay?
G’Kar: And we can ally against the evil evil Centauri! Because you guys are awesome, and we are the brute force of epic.
Delenn: That’s completely terrifying.
G’Kar: But the Centauri were mean!
Delenn: Nope nope nope.
G’Kar: I’LL SHOUT AT YOU! The Grey Council SUX.
Delenn: You know what? Screw this. Where’d I put those force rings?
G’Kar: F—force rings?
Delenn: Yeah. I can totally like crush your rib cage with these things.
G’Kar: Do your worst!
Delenn: And I can also make you start whining like an emo.
G’Kar: GREAT MAKER NO! I won’t talk about the Grey Council ever again ever.
Delenn: Damn straight.
Garibaldi: Hey Londo.Londo: So the Vorlons want to kill us all?
Garibaldi: Where were you anyways?
Londo: Trying out my gambling system. That Varner guy said he’d back me then he ran away. He’s over there being sketchy. He talked to Lyta a little later.
Londo: We’re pretty sharks.
Garibaldi: Uh…huh. That’s not relevant. Like at all.
Londo: It’s arc relevant.
So Takashima plays some mystical music and then Dr. Kyle arrives.
Dr. Kyle: I’ve been taking stims. Probably arc relevant.Takashima: Let me give you my illegal coffee.
Dr. Kyle: PRECIOUS CAFFEINE. So I have no idea how to save Kosh, the Awesome Guy.
Takashima: No one saw what happened.
Dr. Kyle: But Kosh does. We could totally have him scanned. The Vorlons don’t have to know.
Takashima: You know, I have this long back story about being a rebel when I dealt with corrupt security. But instead, I’ll just say why the hell not?
Dr. Kyle: TO THE TELEPATH!
Lyta: I could totally get kicked out of Psi-Corps!Takashima: And Kosh could totally die.
Lyta: Oh fine. I’m sure this isn’t arc relevant or anything. Think he’ll remember it?
Dr. Kyle: What, are you hoping for some energy transferral action?
Lyta: OH YEAH.
Garibaldi: These things are lame. I feel like I’m on a frigging roller coaster. Why can’t we just have a pole to grab on to?Sinclair: Have you seen what happens when you put poles on trains?
Garibaldi: Oh God.
Lyta: Just to explain, I’ll feel what he did but I’ll see my own body. So no one has to CGI a Vorlon hand. Hey, the encounter suit is opening more! That’s not symbolic, is it?Dr. Kyle: It totally is. Go for it.
Lyta sticks her hand inside the encounter suit, which I guess is like grabbing Kosh’s hand or something, and then she gets in Kosh’s head, and apparently Sinclair walked up and shook his…hand? Whatever, he shook his hand and grinned like a mad slasher and Kosh calls him Entil’zha which is totally not plot relevant I’m sure, and Lyta’s hand is glowing and something was slapped on Kosh’s hand and he starts twitching around and...
Lyta: OH GOD THAT WAS THE SCARIEST THING EVER.Dr. Kyle: What happened?
Lyta: He was poisoned on his hand or something it was like a skin tab and it hurt and it was…
Sinclair: Hi guys.
Lyta: IT WAS HIM! HOW DARE YOU KILL MY FUTURE LOV—MENTOR? THE COMMANDER IS BAD TOUCH!
Takashima: She’s very upset, if you couldn’t tell.
Lyta: BAD TOUCH.
Senator: So yeah this is awkward. Takashima, you take over.Takashima: Oh, no, I totally could not. Like at all. Nope.
Senator: Do it. Bye guys. Have fun with that.
Meanwhile that plot relevant robot is still having fun on side of the station.
In the Zocalo, Varner creeps on Lyta, who buys like a scarf or something to make herself feel better about everything. He then shoots some friend named Eric. Nice guy.
In some meeting room, Delenn looks horrible under black light, G’Kar acts like a jerk, and Dr. Kyle tries to defend Sinclair. Londo, meanwhile, looks like he just woke up, or something.
G’Kar: What poison was used?Dr. Kyle: It’s called Florazyne. It messed with blue cells. It’s from the Damocles sector, which is Centauri space.
G’Kar: Isn’t that where Carolyn was?
Sinclair: DON’T YOU MESS WITH MY WOMAN.
Garibaldi: I don’t trust telepaths. And she’s talked to Del Varner, who’s a criminal. And smuggles illegal tech. And deals with Centauri stuff. I WONDER WHAT THAT’S ABOUT.Sinclair: I have no idea. But I bet he’s plot relevant.
G’Kar: Hi Londo. Let’s talk.Londo: What.
Advisory Council of Idiocy
G’Kar: Hey. We all like Sinclair, he’s awesome. But we’ve all fought each other a lot, and we know he totally was in the Minbari war.Takashima: Get on with it!
Londo: Yes, get on with it.
Everyone: GET ON WITH IT.
G’Kar: Anyways, we should totally let the Vorlons deal with him.
Takashima: Good God man, they’ll force lightning him!
G’Kar: I think it’s a good idea.
Delenn: Unfortunately, we’re just not gonna say anything because the Vorlons might scream at us.
G’Kar: And the Vorlons totally vote yeah. They said they were gonna break out the alcohol afterwards.
Takashima: Well, CRAP.
G’Kar: You got twelve hours Sinclair. Love ya.
Garibaldi: Uh, hello? Well, CRAP. Looks like he peed on the floor. Or he’s dead.
Garibaldi: So I basically have no idea about anything. How’s Kosh?Dr. Kyle: I found a counter-agent to Florazyne! It will be ready just before he dies.
Sinclair: Great. Real great.
Carolyn: WHAT THE HECK DELENN?Delenn: I had to abstain.
Carolyn: Why is your face red?
Delenn: THESE TERRIBLE COSMETICS.
Carolyn: I thought Jeff was your BFF?
Delenn: I’ve basically been ordered to observe and nothing else. With regards to Sinclair. It’s arc relevant.
G’Kar: I have gill implants.OMGWTFLYTA?: Sweet. Let’s talk.
Garibaldi: Screw you Londo.Londo: Well…uh…G’Kar promised me brivari. Also he had blackmail material. My grandfather was a jerk on Narn. I screwed up, I know. Friends?
Garibaldi: Thanks. Jerk.
Meanwhile, Sinclair is angsting in his pad over the Minbari war, which is arc relevant.
Carolyn: Why’d you throw your shiny medal?Sinclair: EVERYTHING.
Carolyn: Earth is badass. Stop being a wimp. AND I’M YOUR GIRLFRIEND. Hey, you were on the Line? Where the Minbari nearly killed the crap out of everyone?
Sinclair: Yeah. Very arc relevant. My friends died and then I got captured by Minbari and I don’t remember any of it.
Carolyn: My God, Jeff, you could be like the Chosen One or something!
Sinclair: I know. *sigh* I know. We should totally have sex.
Carolyn: Good idea.
Lyta: Hi Doctor.Dr. Kyle: Huh, looks like Kosh will be okay. I mean, that’s awesome and I thought Del Varner has been dead for like three days and WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE?
Lyta messes with instruments and tries to kill Dr. Kyle. He blasts her, she steps out, and…
Real!Lyta: OH MY GOD IT’S ME.Sinclair: What the hell?
Dr. Kyle: I’ve got everything working again. WHY WAS THERE A MINDSCREW IN MY MEDLAB?
Lytaish stumbles about and her face changes and it’s creepy.
Down in the basement place, Garibaldi and Sinclair find that a weird transport had let someone on the station. Probably the Lytaish Varnerish thing.
Sinclair: I guess someone brought it here.Garibaldi: And I bet someone on the station helped, who is totally not Takashima. Also some poor guy died.
Takashima: I have something plot relevant.
Takashima: He had a changeling net. That’s how they pretended to be Sinclair.Sinclair: That can screw people up epically. I have a plan!
Garibaldi: I love it when he says that.
Takashima: Let’s start this party, find that changeling net!
Stayin’ Alive plays while they find out where Varnerish is.
Meanwhile, Angry!Vorlons are Angry.
Down in the basementish thing, Garibaldi is hurt while Sinclair chases the Varnerish thing. The Varnerish guy steals his gas mask, then Delenn pops up for no apparent reason to save Garibaldi, we don’t know why, she just does this every now and then, it’s a bad habit of hers, and then Sinclair goes to fight an epic battle.
Takashima: Show the Vorlons what’s going on!Morden: I got it.
Takashima: Who the heck are you?
Morden: Brian Morden, Mr. Morden’s long lost twin brother.
Ironheartish: And I’m Ironheart’s long lost twin.
Brian Morden: WE CAN BE FRIENDS FOREVER!
Chick: The Vorlons say they want Sinclair or they’ll blow everyone up.
Takashima: Vorlons can get stuffed!
So Sinclair is creeping about in the dark when suddenly some guy leaps at him. They punch each other a lot, the guy gives a slasher smile, turns into Varner, then Lyta, then Sinclair throws him against an electric fence…thing.
Sinclair: A Minbari? What the hell?
Mordenish: The Vorlons are going to shoot us!
Vorlons: STUFF THIS!
Sinclair: Why?Minbari Guy: There’s a hole in your mind TROLOLOL.
He then sets off an explosive and Sinclair just barely escapes and that whole section blows up. Everyone falls, and then the Vorlons are like, “LOLWUT?” and decide to get far far away. Takashima yells at Mordenish, and Ironheartish meddles with stuff to look like he’s busy, and the blonde chick is confused.
Sinclair: Hi guys.Garibaldi: Hey.
Sinclair: I want a mocha. And Vicodin.
Sinclair: Goodbye, Carolyn. It was nice seeing you for this pilot episode. But I’m going back to my old love interest so we can go back in time together.Carolyn: Oh, fine. TTYL.
Dr. Kyle: Garibaldi’s in his quarters, watching cartoons.Takashima: We’re fixing the ship.
Dr. Kyle: Kosh is fine, by the way. He’s epic.
Delenn: We need to talk about this awkwardness.
Takashima: I’ll go look at the Vorlon. Aliens are fine with that, right?
Delenn: Sorry about the silliness with the Minbari guy. Here’s a record.
Takashima: So, you saw a Vorlon, eh?
Dr. Kyle: VORLONS ARE THE MOST AWESOME THINGS EVER MY GOD THEY COULD TAKE ON CTHUHLU.
Sinclair: Let’s have a drink, G’Kar. I found out the Minbari guy is from the warrior caste, the super crazy sect. Varner spent a lot of time working for you guys, by the way. He got a changeling net and was supposed to meet with someone in theG’Kar: Great. Beautiful. Bye.
Tigris sector where your ship was. And so you used the naughty transport thing, Varner died, and the assassin went about his business. Story over.
Sinclair: So I put a nanotech tracker in your drink. Nice lace hanky, by the way. If anyting happens to B5 my friends find you. Lol.
G’Kar flees only to find Londo telling Garibaldi another story he’s told about ten times before.
G’Kar: DEAR GOD WHY.Garibaldi: Beep lol.
Londo: Must be a circus IMEAN Earth thing.
Garibaldi: Think they’ll find it?Sinclair: There is no transmitter. They’re just going to keep looking.
Sinclair: Hey guys. Kosh is here, and he is epic. HI KOSH.Everyone: HI KOSH!
Kosh: I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH.
Sinclair: I’m brooding.Delenn: I know. They just brought down the disco ball, and Kosh was saying something cryptic about “transmitters” to G’Kar.
Sinclair: What does “a hole in your mind” mean?
Delenn: Just an old insult and all.
Sinclair: So you’re not hiding anything arc relevant?
Delenn: I’m doing everything for your own good.
Sinclair: Well let’s get back to this disco party.
Delenn: I find it hilarious you built four more stations after the first one got destroyed.
Sinclair: We’re stubborn. And we had a poet talk about that.
Delenn: There once was a man from
Takashima: Hi guys. I’m not gonna be here for long, but come on in. WE HAVE DISCO.