FARMER: Let’s see…drowned fish, drowned squirrel, drowned person, drowned…well butter my butt and call me a biscuit. This feller has wings. I don’t know anyone around here who has wings.
MEANWHILE, IN ARKHAM
Albert Wilmarth decides to wander into An Old Abandoned House in search of a Tome of Eldritch Lore.
WILMARTH: Hmm…I wonder where it could be.
CONSTRUCTION WORKER: All right guys, get ready!
WILMARTH: Maybe over here…?
CONSTRUCTION WORKER: I sure hope no one’s digging around that old mansion for a Tome of Eldritch Lore.
WILMARTH: Maybe in this safe…?
WRECKING BALL: *threatens*
WILMARTH: Ah, there we go.
HOUSE: *rattles due to wrecking ball*
WILMARTH: Oh, that was today, was it? Whoops.
After finding his Tome of Eldritch Lore, Wilmarth hears about the Buzzy Wingy Things drowned in the
floods, and winds up in a newspaper
battle with Charles Fort, who isn’t saying it was aliens, but it was aliens. He
also gets letters from Henry Akeley, who apparently has Buzzy Wingy Things
sneaking into his house and eating his cheesecake. Vermont
Then Wilmarth thinks it’s a great idea to have a debate with Fort.
WILMARTH: How do you know it was aliens?
Afterward, Wilmarth steps out for a smoke and is accosted by Akeley’s son, George.
GEORGE: Golly gee whittakers, Mr. Wilmarth! We have Buzzy Wingy Things eating our cheesecake!
WILMARTH: Yeah that’s nice.
GEORGE: And whispering things at us from the darkness.
WILMARTH: Title drop, uh-huh.
GEORGE: And I have photographs and recordings of their arcane rituals!
WILMARTH: SCIENTIFIC DATA FTW.
So Wilmarth and his RPG friends go to some study or another with Fort to look at the photographs.
FORT: My God, if you look at these photographs with this old school device, you can see them clearly! Clearly their molecules vibrate at a different rate. It’s just like Superman’s face!WILMARTH: I am still a skeptic.
FORT: You’re no fun anymore.
WILMARTH: Fine, fine, I’ll take a look at all this.
Wilmarth listens to the recording, and some guy with a Large Ham accent leads some Buzzy Wingy Things in a song to Nyarlathotep. The lightning flashes, and…
WILMARTH: Ward, my RPG friend who sneaks up behind people in the dark while they’re listening to creepy things! What’s going on?WARD: You fool, don’t you recall all our sessions of D&D and Masks of Nyarlathotep? YOU ARE DOOMED, I SAY, DOOMED!
WILMARTH: Dude, it’s an RPG. Don’t take it so seriously.
So Wilmarth and Akeley continue writing letters back and forth, Akeley has this Super Magic Wizard Rock from the Buzzy Wingy Things’ home planet of Yuggoth, and he decides to send it with George, who is so overwrought that he has decided moving to
is a good idea. California
The rock never arrives, and the next letter to Wilmarth is as follows:
“Lol so Wilmarth all that stuff about the Buzzy Wingy Things being evil? Totes not true. They’re like my BFFs now. You should come for a visit, and we’ll all eat cheesecake together. There’s so much awesomeness I need to show you!”
WILMARTH: Sounds legit.
So Wilmarth, defying all common sense, goes to
Happy!Akeley. He is met at the train station by a guy with a hammy posh accent. Vermont
NOYES: Wilmarth, it…is…nice…to…MEET…you.WILMARTH: Ah, you must be trying out for the role of Captain Kirk.
NOYES: Oh yes, for I am a VERY LARGE HAM!
WILMARTH: I noticed.
So on the trip to the farm, Noyes makes exceptionally creepy comments foreshadowing the DOOM ahead. He is about as subtle as Brian Blessed driving a killdozer.
WILMARTH: Sounds legit.
Then the rain starts, and they come to a bridge where This Guy is looking at the flood.
THIS GUY: We cannot get out. Drums, drums in the deep.NOYES: Wrong creepy comments, my dear boy.
THIS GUY: Oh, the bridge is out. You can walk or you can drive two extra hours.
NOYES: Yes, those two hours would be terrible.
WILMARTH: But it’s pouring down the rain. I mean what’s two extra hours? We’re in a dry car and you can make some more totally legit comments.
NOYES: TWO. HOURS.
WILMARTH: Oh fine.
So Wilmarth trudges across the fields, sees a Plot Relevant bi-plane in a shed, and stops at a farmer’s house for directions.
MASTERSON: Oh, it’s that way. AND YOU ARE DOOMED, I SAY, DOOMED!HANNAH: Sorry my dad’s weird…
MASTERSON: HANNAH BACK IN THE HOUSE BEFORE WE’RE ALL DOOMED.
Wilmarth arrives to the house, and finds Akeley wrapped head to toe in a blanket, looking oddly plastic.
WILMARTH: I didn’t know asthma did that!AKELEY: Go eat that totally legit food and then I WILL TELL YOU A SECRET.
Wilmarth eats the legit food but finds the coffee to be not legit.
WILMARTH: Did someone put a fish in the percolator?WINGY THING OUTSIDE: Dammit! I thought you told me humans LIKED fish in percolators!
OTHER WINGY THING: It’s not my fault!
Then he goes back to talk to Creepy!Akeley.
AKELEY: So, basically they worship strange gods, but they’re not that bad. I mean, sure, tentacled and creepy, but not bad. They want to show us the universe! But since our bodies can’t handle space travel, they turn us into brains in a jar! Like over there!
Wilmarth hooks a Brain In A Jar up to a machine, and the guy talks.
B-67: YAH WILMARTH THIS IS TOTES LEGIT! I mean you won’t believe the vacation spot on Yuggoth!WILMARTH: …the hell?
AKELEY: So yeah, I will whisper some cool things to you that the audience won’t hear.
WILMARTH: …ketchup? …blogging? …distortion? …UWE BOLL’S MOVIES?
AKELEY: I know right? It’ll be awesome, trust me. Now I’m going to sleep, and you should too.
Wilmarth tries to sleep, but can’t, and when he gets up he hears B-67 arguing with Noyes and Buzzy Wingy Things.
B-67: GUYS THIS IS TOTALLY SKETCHY!BUZZY WINGY THING: SHUT UP!
NOYES: Yes shut up!
Wilmarth sneaks out, only to find HANNAH in the hallway. She points him the way out, and he takes it.
Instead of running the hell away, he then decides to peep in the window. He sees Akeley stand up, only for someone to pull off a mask and hands, revealing a Buzzy Wingy Thing in silhouette.
LOVECRAFT FANATICS: I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE NYARLATHOTEP!BUZZY WINGY THING: He’s busy trolling Unforum.
NYARLATHOTEP: Next I shall tell them that Alex was phone! LAWLZ.
Afterward, they argue with B-67 some more, culminating in Noyes executing him via electroshock.
B-67: Nooo my pathetically short role in this film!*he dies*
So then Masterson comes back with the bad news that Akeley has, in fact, escaped.
NOYES: That’s not possible! We would have noticed him fleeing over all the noise we were making! Well, perhaps we should check out this window.HANNAH: I totally saw him running across the fields. The opposite direction in which you want to look.
NOYES: What a smart child! TO THE BUZZ
Noyes and Masterson nope away across the fields.
BUZZY WINGY THING: Hey. Hey kid. I have candy in my van.HANNAH: I NEED AN ADULT.
So after that weird segment, they conveniently leave, and Wilmarth runs in.
He starts looking at the Brain Jars, then finds Akeley.
WILMARTH: Akeley! You poor fool!AKELEY: Do you realize what they’re about to do? They’re about to do the arcane ritual of doom that will open a gateway to Yuggoth! Then more Buzzy Wingy Things will arrive, and Nyarlathotep will be able to troll us PERSONALLY!
WILMARTH: I suppose I have to go stop them, don’t I?
AKELEY: After you electro-shock me so I don’t have to live as a brain anymore.
Then Masterson returns, and starts ranting, shooting at that Tome of Eldritch Lore mentioned in the first act, and then kills himself.
MASTERSON: I’m sure my daughter won’t be completely traumatized by this.HANNAH: I NEED AN ADULT!!!
WILMARTH: Quick, Hannah! To the Plot Relevant Shed!
They hide in the Plot Relevant Shed, which is covered in Elder Signs.
Advertisement: Protect yourself with Elder Sign!
WILMARTH: You know, I had a daughter once.HANNAH: That’s heartwarming I’m sure BUT MY DAD FREAKING KILLED HIMSELF AND THERE ARE BUZZY WINGY THINGS LOOKING FOR US AND THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH.
WILMARTH: Right. I should do something about that. BRB SAVING THE WORLD.
So Wilmarth climbs the hills until he reaches the cave. In there he finds Akeley’s body hooked up, sans face and hands.
WILMARTH: Well damn.
He then climbs up a rickety ladder to see a Crater O’ Doom. Some cultists, Buzzy Wingy Things, and Noyes in an alarmingly odd samurai get-up are there.
NOYES: BECAUSE ALL WORSHIPPERS OF NYARLATHOTEP HAVE TO BE FLAMBOYANT.
So he starts doing the ritual, and Ye Olde Portal begins opening up. Noyes apparently plans on throwing himself into the portal, completing the ritual, because he’s just a smart guy?
Before he can, Wilmarth throws some object or another into the portal. It promptly closes.
PORTAL: Screw this.
The Buzzy Wingy Things are so enraged they begin slapping Noyes to death.
BUZZY WINGY THINGS: How dare you let a random object fall from seemingly nowhere into the portal!NOYES: …what?
BUZZY WINGY THINGS: JUST GO WITH IT OKAY?
Then Wilmarth flees, some guy falls down the ladder shaft for no apparent reason, and he makes it back to the Plot Relevant Shed.
WILMARTH: Quick, Hannah, I briefly mentioned flying a bi-plane in the beginning. THIS MUST BE USED.
So they get the plane cranked up while Buzzy Wingy Things fly all around, and they take off into the air.
HANNAH: Mr. Wilmarth?WILMARTH: Hannah, I can’t hear you over all this water the prop guys are throwing on me!
HANNAH: Can’t the Buzzy Wingy Things fly?
They can, and they begin dive-bombing. Yes, everyone, a bookworm is in a dogfight with flying aliens.
WILMARTH: It’s legit!
One lands on the wing, and its mechanical eye leers at them and pretends to be General Grievous, and then Hannah hits it with a fire extinguisher.
HANNAH: TAKE THAT BITCH!OTHER BUZZY WINGY THING: TAKE THIS BITCH!
The Buzzy Wingy Thing grabs her up and her shoe falls off.
HANNAH: LET ME GO LET ME GO!BUZZY WINGY THING: Lol okay.
WILMARTH: Well damn. There’s only one thing left to do.
Wilmarth starts flying at the ground.
BUZZY WINGY THING: Uh…Wilmarth? Buddy…? You gonna…You gonna stop? This is like the Wronski Feint, right? RIGHT? WILMARTH THERE’S A GROUND…!
Suddenly we hear Wilmarth narrating and his RPG friends finding his house empty, and a newspaper talking about this super cool new planet Pluto which is totally Yuggoth. Then we see, bizarrely enough, WILMARTH FLYING A BI PLANE WITH A HOT BLONDE, who for some reason is listed as the star on IMDb.
HOT BLONDE: It’s legit.
NYARLATHOTEP: …I had a sce—PRODUCER: IT WAS CUT FOR TIME.
NYARLATHOTEP: …fine. I’ll just tell Uwe Boll to make another movie.
LOVECRAFT FANATICS: BUT BUT THERE WASN’T A PLANE AND HE DIDN’T GET PUT IN A JAR AND HE JUST WENT HOME AND BABBLED ABOUT PLUTO AND—ME: When I was your age Yuggoth was still a planet!
BUZZY WINGY THINGS: D-:<
THE. END. SERIOUSLY.