NIBIRU, LAND OF WHITE FACED CREEPERS
Apparently the Enterprise crew is trying to stop a volcano from killing the White Faced Creepers that are attempting to murder everyone.
Spock: Why am I in Mordor? Did we wind up in the wrong movie?
So the Enterprise is in the ocean, submersible using the power of lens flare.
Kirk: So, where’s Spock?
Scotty: In Mordor. He said something about a ring…?
Chekov: If ve had direct line ov sight…
Scotty: Man you cannae beam a man from bloody Mordor!
Bones: BOTH OF YOU STOP TALKING.
So the Enterprise leaves, but then…
Scotty: Oh, wait, we can beam him up. Never mind.
Spock: But now the White Faced Creepers know about space ships…
Kirk: What could go wrong?
White Faced Creepers: WE MUST NOW BECOME TREKKIES.
Dude: I can save your dying daughter.
Father: Who are you?
Dude: I AM SHERLOCK KHAN.
GIRLS WITH TAILS
Pike: So what was this about a primitive people becoming Trekkies?
Spock: What? I was supposed to tell them about it.
Pike: I don’t care which of you started, I’ll finish it!
Sherlock Khan: So here is the magic medicine.
Father: Awesome! Now what?
Sherlock Khan: I need you to blow up yourself and your coworkers.
Father: Well…that sucks.
Sherlock Khan: Yep. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go stand around in my trench coat and look mysterious and pale.
Kirk: Hey there…sexy…?
Pike: …well, thank you.
Kirk: Why do you interrupt my flirting with the cute Asian girl?
Pike: Because I have words of wisdom to impart.
Kirk: I can haz my ship back?
Kirk: But Spooocckkk I saved your liiiiife you totally owed me.
Spock: Why are you such a whiny—
Kirk: YOU’RE MY BFF I DON’T WANNA LEEEEAVE!!! *cling*
Kirk: So this guy blew up an archive and stole a plane? I mean wouldn’t it be better to do it in a place where all of us officers were…together…
So things start blowing up, Sherlock Khan starts shooting at them because…because…
Sherlock Khan: BECAUSE I’M HOLMES, THAT’S WHY! EVERYTHING I DO IS ARBITRARY!
Kirk: NOT AGAIN.
And then Pike dies.
Spock: Pike! Pike why did you have to be the wise old man with a beard!
Sherlock Khan: *points to eyes, points to Kirk*
Meanwhile, Spock may or may not be mindmelding with Pike, and Kirk cries over his body and it’s actually quite sad.
Elsewhere, Khan puts up his hood, turns into Ezio, and runs away.
Marcus: That’s the Klingon homeworld, and you know how they feel about us. So, let’s get back to status quo, and go there and try not to totally eff this up and like start a war or anything…
Mary Sue Wallace: I have impressive credentials.
Kirk: I’LL SAY.
SCOTTY IS SO SCOTTISH!
Scotty: This is military, not exploration!
Kirk: Wait, when was this not military?
Scotty: I…I dunno…
Kirk: Hey, Uhura? Why do the rest of us have long sleeves but the girls have cap sleeves?
Uhura: I…I got nothing…
Kirk: And are you and Spock ever going to break up so we can do sex?
Uhura: I DON’T LIKE THIS CONVERSATION ANYMORE.
Kirk: Hey, Chekov, I need you to be the engineer.
Kirk: Anyways guys, the point is to catch the pale kid, not kill him. Even if I really want to punch him repeatedly in the face.
Spock: We can be friends again.
Kirk: ATTENTION CREW, SPOCK AND I ARE NO LONGER FIGHTING. YOU CAN PRETEND TO HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO NOW.
Spock: So, Mary Sue, daddy got you reassigned?
Mary Sue: Actually, I, uh…snuck aboard.
Spock: Oh my God, you’re a worse Mary Sue than I thought.
Then the ship is accidentallied as they arrive on Kronos.
Kirk: Okay, kids, change into not-red shirts.
Lieutenants: THANK YOU CAPTAIN. THANK YOU SO MUCH. *sobs of joy*
SULU IS AWESOME
Sulu: Okay Pale Kid. I HAVE REALLY BIG GUNS POINTED RIGHT AT YOU.
Chekov: …you’re not going to—
Sulu: CHEKOV THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS MOMENT.
Uhura: Spock we need to discuss your emotional detachment. I mean even Kirk…
Kirk: Can…can I just stay out of this…?
Klingon: SCREW YOUR PERSONAL ISSUES! Do you hear our language? IT IS THE LANGUAGE OF NERDDOM!
Uhura: Greetings glorious nerds! I am here to help you find a famous pale kid.
Klingon: I…I don’t watch the BBC…
Uhura: But it is a matter of honor. Did you see that cliffhanger?
Klingon: DON’T TALK TO ME ABOUT SHERLOCK SEASON 2!
Suddenly Sherlock Khan arrives in full Ezio cosplay to save Uhura from a terrible death!
Kirk: Oh my God, Sherlock Khan is awesome as Ezio! Do you think he should win a contest? I think he should win a contest.
Sherlock Khan: Sulu threatened me with torpedoes!
Kirk: Yeah, we have…umm…we have lots of torpedoes.
Sherlock Khan: Oh, I’ll come with you then.
Kirk: Oh…that’s it? That’s all it took?
THIS LOOKS FAMILIAR
Sherlock Khan: Why am I in the Loki-cage?
Bones: Who cares, I need your blood.
Sherlock Khan: I know something you don’t know! I know something you don’t know!
Kirk: I could never resist that in elementary school!
Sherlock Khan: Here are some super-important coordinates, and you need to check on those torpedoes…
Scotty: Kirk, man, why are ye calling me while I’m blind drunk?
A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE A WEAPONS SPECIALIST SNEAKS ON BOARD…
Spock: So apparently Mary Sue knows about weapons? Like everything else.
Mary Sue takes her clothes off in front of Kirk for no apparent reason and Bones goes to help Mary Sue open the torpedo.
Bones: What can my hands do for you? I can work magic on your missile. I’m ready and raring.
Sulu: Please? Please let me?
Kirk: SULU THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS MOMENT.
The torpedo almost explodes, but then Mary Sue magically manages to make it not explode.
Also, there are cryogenically frozen people inside.
Kirk: DAMN SHADOWS, STAY IN YOUR OWN FANDOM!
Sherlock Khan: I am a hyper-intelligent super soldier who survived Season 2 by being cryogenically frozen, and I’m actually working for Marcus who keeps threatening my friends.
Kirk: So this is Into Darkness, and you’re a super soldier…Soldier of Darkness?
Sherlock Khan: What about staying in our own fandoms?
Kirk: You’re one to talk.
MARCUS IS PALPATINE
Marcus: HELLO MY YOUNG APPRENTICE. I mean…umm…it appears Khan is trying to manipulate you. Yes.
Kirk: I’m sorry sir. I was just excited to see Season 3.
Then they blow holes in Kirk’s ship and people die a lot and they’re in warp which is like hyperspace but not as scary and…
Mary Sue: Dad, I’m on the ship.
Marcus: Dammit, what did I tell you about interfering with the plot?
Mary Sue: Dad, I will use my Mary Sue powers to convince you to not kill everyone.
Marcus: Sure ya will. Get over here, you are grounded.
Kirk: Look, I’ll just hand Khan over, because friendship is magic.
Marcus: Nah. Can’t you see I’m evil now? EVIL. Except…why aren’t our weapons firing?
Scotty: GOT YA NOW YA BLOODY BASTARDS!
Kirk: So I’m going to get Khan to help us.
Spock: That’s a horrible idea.
Kirk: The enemy of my enemy is my friend?
Spock: That guy’s friends killed him.
Kirk: Dammit Spock, just let me be right-brained!
Spock: You’re my BFF I don’t want you to leave…
WHY IS THERE A TRIBBLE HERE?
Kirk: No, seriously?
Bones: Experiments. Seeing why Khan can regenerate.
Kirk: But what if they become a constantly-reproducing race that slowly drives the Klingons insane?
So Team Shirk decides to pop over to Marcus’ ship for tea, and Scotty is running out of ways to sabotage things.
Scotty: You cannae jump into the wee door!
Kirk: I’ve done it before.
Sherlock Khan: Activate our Tron helmets!
Kirk: Activating Tron helmets!
So they fly through space, and Kirk’s Tron helmet gets hit. Luckily, Sherlock Khan helps out.
Sherlock Khan: Do you keep a blog? You should keep a blog.
Also there’s this random robot guy that’s not Data, so he doesn’t even count.
Robot Guy: D:
Naturally, Team Shirk makes it inside, and Scotty looks confused.
Kirk: Scotty, meet Sherlock Khan.
Scotty: Can you tell us what happened after Season 2?
Sherlock Khan: NO.
FUTURE SELVES ANONYMOUS
Leonard Nimoy: Hi Spock.
Spock: Hi Spock.
This goes on.
Spock: Remember Khan?
Leonard Nimoy: Oh God, everyone knows about Wrath of Khan. EVERYONE.
Spock: I’m going to die, aren’t I?
Leonard Nimoy: OH LOOK, TIME TO GO!
Spock: But future me, what about the whales?
Leonard Nimoy: I dunno. I have a meeting of Future Selves Anonymous.Firebrand keeps robbing banks.
Bones: I’m a doctor, not a torpedo technician!
Spock: If you use that line again I will punch you.
Meanwhile, Team Shirky invades the bridge. Also Sherlock Khan gets knocked out briefly, but that never lasts long.
Marcus: Well who cares, we have to fight Klingons, and I’m the only one that can save us!
Kirk: I see where your daughter gets it.
Mary Sue: I could lead—
Marcus, Kirk, and Scotty: NO!
Then Sherlock Khan decides to punch Kirk and threaten Mary Sue.
Sherlock Khan: Shut up Mary Sue.
Marcus: Oh thanks Sh—*dies*
So Sherlock Khan just wants his BFFs back, and apparently their whole thing about “peacekeeping” involves pretending to be Daleks.
Sherlock Khan: We are so much better than the Daleks.
Spock: Just take the torpedoes already!
Sherlock Khan: Oh, okay. Here, you guys can die over there instead!
Instead, Bones keeps the cryo tubes safe, gives Khan explodey-missiles, and then…
Random Alien Chick Never Seen Before: Auxiliary power failing!
Kirk: Wait, who are you?
So Spock tries to make everyone leave but Sulu’s not having it.
Sulu: DON’T MAKE ME SAY IT IN A SERIOUS MOMENT, SPOCK.
So some other screaming chick dies (this happens a lot) and the Enterprise starts tearing itself apart.
Gravity is doing funny non-gravity things, and there is lens flare.
Kirk decides to run into the irradiated room of death in a very dramatic manner, and the Enterprise catches fire and THAT DAMN LENS FLARE IS EVERYWHERE and…
Sulu: Oh, we’re not going to blow up after all!
Then the Enterprise rises above the clouds, and Trekkies begin to worship.
Spock: Wait, where’s Kirk?
Scotty: OH GOD IT’S HORRIBLE
Spock: *ignores girlfriend for Kirk*
Fans: TEAM SPIRK!
Spock: But…but Kirk I was supposed to be behind the glass…
Kirk: I know, right? But YOU CAN SAVE THE WHALES SPOCK. SAVE THEM.
Meanwhile, Sherlock Khan decides to blow up Starfleet via ramming, and no lens flare.
Spock: Find Sherlock Khan. I’M GOING TO KILL HIM.
Sulu: OOHHHH…whoa, that’s horrifying. You’re genuinely horrifying right now.
Sherlock Khan: Here I’m going to steal this coat.
Spock: AWWW YOU DONE DID IT NOW
Bones: Maybe he mindmelded with someone…?
Mary Sue: Maybe we should find Spoony.
Bones: NO MORE NOSTALGIA CRITIC FOR YOU MARY SUE.
Tribble: Hey, you can use Sherlock Khan’s magic regeneration abilities to make this into a metaphorical crucifixion scene!
Bones: Thank you annoying fluffy thing!
Uhura: Beam me down so I can save Spock’s boyfr—I MEAN….
Bones: NO SULU
Spock coldcocks Sherlock Khan, which means he probably could have done that at any time.
So Kirk hears his life flashing before his ears when he wakes up from being not dead.
Bones: You were only mostly dead.
Kirk: …did you just do that?
Then Kirk and Spock have a heartwarming reunion.
So Sherlock Khan is in a cryotube, but you can bet your nerdy butts he won’t stay there forever, BECAUSE SEQUEL.
So Kirk gives an epic speech. And then sends the Enterprise on a journey of TV Series magic.
Kirk: Hi Mary Sue.
Mary Sue: I can haz flirts?
Kirk: Nah, I’m too busy hanging out with Spock. Mr. Sulu, I’m impressed by your self-control. Rev those engines!
Sulu: OOOOHHHHH MMMMMYYYYYY!!!!
Kirk: DAMMIT SULU DAMMIT I’M NEVER LETTING YOU TALK AGAIN