Thursday, September 19, 2013

Star Trek: To Be Arbitrary Where No One Has Been Arbitrary Before!

Our movie starts out with lens flare. Lots and lots of lens flare.

What appears to be the lovechild between a Vorlon and Shadow ship comes out of a black hole thing, and no one can see it because there’s a lens flare. It promptly beats up the Federation ship.

Nero: Hey guys I know we just like beat you up but do you want to come over for coffee?

Captain: Right.

Romulan Dude: My commander’s name is Nero. That’s not relevant at all, right?

True to his name, Nero kills the captain because, um…reasons?

Nero: BECAUSE I’M A ROMULAN, THAT’S WHY! EVERYTHING I DO IS ARBITRARY!

So George Kirk flies the ship while everyone escapes.

Momma Kirk: George, our overly dramatic son is about to pop out in an overly dramatic way!

George Kirk: TELL HIM NOT TO TAKE ACTING LESSONS FROM WILLIAM SHA—

George Kirk defeats the Romulans via lens flare and ramming.


JOY RIDE!

Several years later, a Wee Kirk drives a very old car stupidly, which means he still drives better than anyone in the Quad Cities. He destroys the car, because…

Kirk: BECAUSE I’M KIRK, THAT’S WHY! EVERYTHING I DO IS ARBITRARY!


Meanwhile, on Vulcan, a wee Spock is smarter than all of you. ALL OF YOU.

We get a great deal of Nerd Bullying.

Bullies: MY INSULTS ARE SMARTER THAN YOUR INSULTS.

Spock: Nuh-uh.

Bullies: YOUR MOM.

Spock: FFFFF—


Years later, the Vulcans are still pulling out the “Yo Mama” jokes.

Old Dude: So you’re doing well in spite of YOUR MOM.

Spock: LIVE LONG AND PROSPER BITCHES


Meanwhile, in Iowa, Uhura parties.

Kirk: YOU’RE HOT.

Federation Guys: DON’T TOUCH OUR TOKEN FEMALE!

Uhura: I’ll just stand over here and shout at you to stop hitting him without actually doing anything about it, even though I’m a trained soldier.

Pike: Hey Kirk since my people hate you, do you want to join us? I’m sure this won’t have any repercussions…


FLYING!

Bones: I’M A DOCTOR NOT A BIRD! AND THE LENS FLARE IS A KILLER!

Kirk: Tell me about it, Bones.


THREE YEARS LATER

The Romulans fly around arbitrarily. Nero is also glaring at the camera arbitrarily.

Nero: OKAY GUYS SPOCK IS HERE WE HAVE TO BE REALLY CRAZY NOW.

Romulans: …that’s pretty crazy. Can we be a little less crazy?

Nero: NO WE HAVE TO BE AS CRAZY AS POSSIBLE! AND ARBITRARY! WE HAVE TO BE ARBITRARY!


GREEN BOOBS

Kirk: This is just the beginning!

Uhura: *facepalm*


CHEATING!

Kirk: I’ll just reprogram this training simulation to be my slave.

Spock: YOU JUST MISSED THE ENTIRE POINT.

Meanwhile, there’s some cadet named “Vader”. Everyone giggles in their palm.


SMUGGLING THE KIRK

Bones: Here, I’m giving you a vaccine and pretend you need to come with me, and you’re going to start seeing lens flare soon.

Kirk: OH FFFF—

Bones: JIM LOOK OUTSIDE AT THE GLORIOUS LENS FLARE!

Kirk: I DON’T FEEL WELL.


ALLERGIC REACTION!

Kirk: OH MY GOD MY HANDS

Bones: Jim…Jim stop…

Kirk: ROMULANS ARE BEING ARBITRARY!

Bones: Jim…

Kirk: BY TUG! BY TUG!

Bones: *stabby needle*

Pike: I don’t even.

Kirk: Does this not sound like the beginning of this movie?

Pike: Oh. WHY DID IT TAKE THE ALLERGIC-REACTION IDIOT TO FIGURE THIS OUT? Okay kids, let’s go be arbitrary too.


ARBITRARY DESTRUCTION IS ARBITRARY!

Pike: LEAN TO THE LEFT!

Sulu: AND A JUMP TO THE RIGHT!

Spock: Captain, the Romulans are using lens flare again!

Pike: I can’t see anything!

Nero: Ohai Chris, want to come aboard for coffee?

Kirk: Didn’t this happen before?

Pike: Okay, Sulu, you must be a martial artist so you’re in. Kirk, you’re annoying, you come with me too.

Kirk: UHHHH

Nero: PREPARE FOR ARBITRARINESS! They will never defeat our high collar trenchcoats!

Pike: Okay, Kirk, Sulu, go do some things down on Vulcan. Spock, be…awesome. Don’t wreck the ship. Chekhov, go do…whatever it is you do.

Chekhov: …abuse mundanes?

Pike: KEEP IT IN THE SAME FANDOM CHEKHOV.

Spock: Okay guys, no one wreck the ship. Bones, go be grouchy.

Bones: Got it.

Kirk: So what can you do, Sulu?

Sulu: Sword fight. OOHHH MMMYYYY

Kirk: …


VULCAN!

Atmosphere diving is like sky diving. With more lens flare.

Olson, who is wearing red, dies.

Kirk: OLSON I TOLD YOU TO PUT ON THE BLUE SUIT.

Sulu: I CHALLENGE YOU TO A SWORD FIGHT ROMULAN!

Romulan: THIS WILL BE THE MOST ARBITRARY SWORD FIGHT EVER!

Nero: LAUNCH THE ARBITRARY RED MATTER!

Kirk: That’s a bad thing, isn’t it?

Chekhov: They’re going to make a black hole!

Spock: Okay, I’m getting Mom and Dad. Chekhov, you get to command. Try to be comprehensible.

Chekhov: …

Kirk: Sulu! Pull my chute!

Sulu: …

Kirk: Don’t do it, Sulu.

Sulu: ….

Kirk: DON’T DO IT SULU!

Sulu: OOHH MMYYYYY

Kirk: I HATE YOU SULU


Meanwhile, on Vulcan, Spock grabs Mama, and some Red Shirt Vulcan is crushed by a statue.

Mama Spock: I’ll just stand way over here next to the cliff’s edge, okay? That’s a good idea? *falls off the cliff*

Spock: DO NOT WAAAAAANNNNTTT


Then the planet collapses and it really kind of sucks. Literally.

Spock: Go away, Uhura, I have to be broodingly mysterious now. It’s for the fangirls.


MISPLACED RAEG!

Nero: I was a nice guy! But then the Vulcans were mean to us and Spock betrayed us! BUT NOW I’M ANGRY AND ARBITRARY!

Pike: You realize you’re from the wrong time period?

Nero: Exactly! I’m going to stop it all by being a jerk to everyone! That will totally stop people from being jerks to us. It’s legit. Here, have a Centaurian slug. It’s like truth serum, except horrible.

Londo: IN OUR GOLDEN DAYS WE HAD HUNDREDS OF CENTAURI SLUGS FOR THOUSANDS OF TRUTH SERUMS.

Nero: GET BACK TO YOUR OWN FANDOM LONDO


Spock: So, they’re from the future.

Bones: DAMMIT SPOCK, I’M A DOCTOR, NOT THE DOCTOR!

Kirk: Anyways, I want to cause more problems.

Spock: Okay, send him to the ice planet. I’m tired of this.

Kirk: WHAT.


Then he gets attacked by a giant vagina. Karma!

Leonard Nimoy: Ohai Kirk.

Kirk: UHHHH

Leonard Nimoy: Here, have a mindmeld. It’s what the fans like.

Kirk: WHAT THE—

Leonard Nimoy: So I made this red matter to destroy the supernova but it consumed Romulus first. I went ahead and shot the red matter into the super nova and now Nero is crazy and thinks I did it on purpose. Then we got sucked into the black hole, and Boom! Here we are!

Kirk: WHY IS NERO SO ARBITRARY?

Then they find Scotty.

Leonard Nimoy: Scotty! Nice to see you…before?

Scotty: Capt’n we’re out o’ sandiches!

Kirk: I can’t understand him.

Scotty: SANDWICHES!

Leonard Nimoy: So, basically, push me until I tackle you, which is what happens when you make ‘yo mama’ jokes at me, then say I’m emotionally compromised. And don’t tell me you saw me.

Kirk: …you’re cheating.

Leonard Nimoy: …shut up.

Random Unnecessary Alien: Beep?


Meanwhile, on the Enterprise…

Kirk: HEY SPOCK YOUR MOM.

Spock: FFFFFF—

Kirk: Emotional compromise complete.

Spock: The lens flare is horrible. I’m going to go lie down now.

Uhura: Kirk please don’t screw this up.

Bones: Oh, we’re doomed.


DaddySpock: But, son, really, I loved your mother. I love you too son.

Spock: Thanks for finally helping me through my issues, Dad. After, you know, years of torment.

DaddySpock: …


Chekhov: Ve vill be invisible behind ze moon of Saturn!

Scotty: I cannae unnastan him!

Bones: …what.

Spock: Want I should go fetch Pike?

Kirk: I’m coming with you! GO TEAM SPIRK!

Spock: …I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Kirk: BUT THE FANS LOVE IT


FINAL ACT!

Kirk: Mr. Sulu, fire when ready. AND DON’T SAY IT.

Sulu: …

Kirk: So Uhura, you and…Spock…make out…?

Sulu: OHHHHH MMYYYY

Kirk: SULUUUUU!!!


ROMULANS!

Nero: DID YOU GUYS JUST BEAM ARBITRARILY ONTO MY SHIP ARBITRARILY? I’M THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO BE ARBITRARY AROUND HERE!


Meanwhile, Nero tries to open up the phantom zone black hole on Earth.

Ship: Ohai Spock.

Kirk: Well, that’s…odd. *cough cough*

Spock: KIIIIIIRRRRKKKK!


FIGHTING!

Kirk: Okay, Nero, look

Nero: Shaddup. *pimp slap*


Spock flies the Cool Ship, and Nero strangles Kirk.

Nero: YOUR DAD.

Kirk: AWW YOU DONE DID IT NOW


Meanwhile, the drill thing barely misses the Golden Gate Bridge.

Roland Emmerich: *cries*


Nero: SPOOOOOCCCCKKK

Kirk: KKHHHHAAAANNN

Nero: WRONG MOVIE! FEAR MY BOOTS AND TRENCH COAT.

Kirk: You know, your gun is in grabby range.

Nero: I KNEW I FORGOT SOMETHING

Spock: Ramming and lens flare!

Nero’s Actual Line: FIRE EVERYTHING!


It doesn’t work.


ENTERPRISE

Scotty: I BEAMED THREE PEOPLE AT ONCE!

Sulu: OOHHHHH

Kirk: SHUT UP SULU JUST SHUT UP

Sulu: mmmyyyyy


ARBITRARY OFFER OF MERCY!

Kirk: So we can be nice to you.

Nero: NNNNOOOO

Kirk: Okay, shoot them!


Then the creepy ship of death gets pulled into a black hole.

Nero: Well…this is gonna suck. LITERALLY! HAHAHAAH I hate my life.


Kirk: Let’s go Scotty!

Scotty: I’M GIVIN HER ALL SHE’S GOT!

Kirk: STOP IT SCOTTY


They escape thanks to the Lens Flare.


Back at the Academy, Kirk is officially captain of the Enterprise. And lo, the cadets rejoiced.

Kirk: Well I learned a good lesson today everyone. Never wear a red suit if you’re not an officer, friendship is made by punching each other, and always choose the women with green boobs.


TO BOLDLY RESTART A FRANCHISE!

Kirk: Let’s go everyone!

Spock: Mind if I join you?

Uhura: WOOHOO!

Sulu: OOOHHH—

Everyone: DON’T SAY IT SULU

Sulu: :-(

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