Sunday, November 10, 2013

Parody 5, S1, E1: Elevenses on the Firing Line

(Also known as: Erica's file was saved from the jaws of certain deletion.)

Our episode begins with the Centauri being attacked by the Narns. This pretty much goes back and forth for the rest of the series.

THE ZOCALO

Ivanova: So where is this Sinclair fellow?

Garibaldi: Lol newb. He’s in the Observation Dome. Avoiding people. Like Londo over there.

Londo: LOL HI GARIBALDI!


GAMBLING!

Garibaldi: I’m not giving you anymore money. I’m not giving any Centauri any money! When we met you guys you told us you ran the galaxy and we were your long-lost cousins.

Londo: Well…we got you mixed up with our real long-lost cousins. Oh, here comes Vir, my pathetic little aide!

Vir stutters and shudders his way into giving out the main plot of the episode.


SINCLAIR’S OFFICE, OR SOMETHING, THEY USE IT FOR A LOT OF THINGS ACTUALLY

Londo: Things are sucking! They suck really bad!

Delenn: It does suck indeed.

G’Kar: Oh my goodness. They attacked Ragesh 3. Those bastards.

Londo: STFU Narn.

Sinclair: Simmer down everyone, we’ll call out the League of Stupid. How’s that tracking device
G’Kar? You know, the one that isn’t in you from when you TRIED TO FRAME ME FOR MURDER?

G’Kar: …shut up.


C&C

Talia: Hi, I’m the new telepath!

Ivanova: K whatev. Garibaldi, have fun with that distress call that will surely not have any relevance to the rest of the series.

Talia: Well I’m supposed to log in with you.

Ivanova: Yeah okay whatever gtfo.

Talia: *sigh*


TV

ISN Lady: So a presidential candidate is Santiago. He will totally not die or anything.

Ivanova: Any word about the Centauri issue of doom?

Sinclair: Nothing. Clearly it isn’t arc relevant.

Ivanova: You say that now…


LONDO’S GRECO-ROMAN-CENTAURI HANGOUT

Ragesh 3 Transmission: Warships! Explosions! OMGWTFBBQ???!!!

Londo: Wait, let me see those ships!

Narn Ship: LOL HI.

Londo: I KEEL G’KAR.



BICKERING!

G’Kar: I have fresh spoo. FRESH. SPOO.

Londo: SCREW YOUR SPOO AND SCREW YOUR ATTACK.

G’Kar: Oh, let’s not worry our pretty little heads over it. Oh, the karma!

Londo: I’ll shove your karma up your—

A fight ensues. Londo and G’Kar bicker back and forth a great deal about who killed who.


AN ATTEMPT AT TALKING SENSE

Londo: I’ve had prophetically creepy dreams about G’Kar and me killing each other.

Sinclair: That’s adorable and all, but really now. We might be able to stop the attacks.

Londo: Good. My nephew is there.

Sinclair: That sucks. But you guys can’t go to war. We’re trying to get peace here, you know.

Londo: Peace is for sissies.

Sinclair: Well that’s encouraging.


PLOT POINTS!

Garibaldi: There were fifteen people dead by pirates. Stupid pirates.

Ivanova: That’s great but I have to go avoid Talia some more.


THE COOLEST ROOM ON BABYLON 5

Sinclair: Kosh! How’s it hanging? Kosh…? Why aren’t you in your suit…?

Kosh: Lol hi.

Sinclair: What’s that shiny light…? Anyways, do you guys have any opinion on the Narns being jerks?

Kosh: …

Sinclair: …are you even coming to the meeting?

Kosh: Yep.

Sinclair turns to go, but Kosh ninjas into his suit.

Kosh: They’re screwed.

Sinclair: Who’s screwed again? Narn? Centauri?

Kosh: Yes TROLLOLOL.

Sinclair: ...


DRUNKENNESS!

Vir: We have a council meeting!

Londo: I don’t care! Our leaders suck and decided to do nothing and EVERYONE’S GOING TO GET BLOWN UP ANYWAYS. Now, let me throw this glass at your head.

Vir: D-:

Londo: Tell no one.

Vir: But…

Londo: NO. ONE.

Vir: k.


ELEVATOR GOING DOWN

Garibaldi: Lol hi Talia.

Talia: So why won’t Ivanova talk to me?

Garibaldi: It takes her awhile to decide to date people.

Talia: …what?

Garibaldi: Sorry, wrong season. Go talk to her at the bar and then you can come by my quarters and see my second favorite thing in the universe.

Talia: …


ZEN GARDEN IS NO LONGER ZEN

G’Kar: Hi Sinclair!

Sinclair: Hi G’Kar. How’s that tracking device coming?

G’Kar: …this isn’t funny anymore. Come on, you understand revenge and all that.

Sinclair: Of course not. I’m going to become the Zenmaster. We’re above those sorts of things.

G’Kar: …okay. Whatever. You owe us for giving you weapons.

Sinclair: Nope.

G’Kar: SCREW YOU SINCLAIR.

Sinclair: SCREW YOU G’KAR.

G’Kar: I’m gonna go sulk in my quarters!

Sinclair: I’m gonna go sulk in the hallway!


SULKING IN THE HALLWAY

Garibaldi: Okay, so I have a raiders plot point about to happen.

Sinclair: Kill the Raiders dead. I have to go get yelled at by a politician.


I MEAN IS THIS HIS REAL OFFICE OR A MEETING ROOM? I CAN’T TELL

Senator: Look, Sinclair, I appreciate all this stuff about “saving the innocent” and “holy crap a lot of people just died horribly for no reason”, but we have an election that somehow hinges on whether or not we tell the Narns to stop being jerks.

Sinclair: And you wonder why everyone hates politics?

Senator: Stay neutral, because waffling is better than looking like an absolute jerk.

Ivanova: Anyways, now that he's gone, we’re ready to attack the Raiders.

Sinclair: Wait, I have an idea! I’ll go with them, Garibaldi stays here and eats popcorn or
whatever, and you take my place and pretend to be me.

Ivanova: Anything else?

Sinclair: Also you totally didn’t hear anything about this abstaining stuff, right?

Ivanova: Deception is in vogue in this episode, isn’t it?


LEAGUE OF NAIVETE

G’Kar: We didn’t fire at them first. So there. Watch this!

Video of Carn, reading in a voice of a high school drama member: HELLO EVERYONE. I AM CARN. OUR COLONY NEEDED HELP, BUT HOMEWORLD DID NOT HELP US. THE NARNS HELPED US. THERE IS NO GUN TO MY HEAD AT ALL. SMILE AT CAMERA.

Narn off-screen: Don’t read the stage directions!

Londo: That was an oddly specific denial.

Everyone: Clearly this was totally legit and not at all staged in any way whatsoever.

Ivanova: *facepalm*


AGE OF EMPIRES…IN SPACE

Raiders: Raiding party!

Sinclair: Let’s pretend to go another direction so they think they tricked us but we’re really tricking them!

Delta 7: …wait, what?


CONVENIENT TELEPATHY IS CONVENIENT

Talia: Whoops sorry Ambassado—AAAAHHH THE HATRED BURNS.


AT LEAST THEY PUT G’KAR IN AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT HALLWAY

Garibaldi: Nope.

Londo: Yes.

Garibaldi: NOOOO.

Londo: YESSS.

Garibaldi: You know this is just going to cause a galactic war, and God knows we’ll have enough of that in a couple seasons.

Londo: …well, guess I’ll strangle him twenty years from now.

Garibaldi: …what. Look, I’ll be by to check your quarters for weapons. Glad I didn’t have to kill you, hate submitting “killing ambassador for station security” forms.


SINCLAIR’S MEETING ROOM OFFICE

Sinclair: Ohai G’Kar. I found a Narn on the Raider ship. Odd that the Raiders got all those nice heavy weapons.

Garibaldi: Also we found data crystals with reports between Ragesh 3 and the Narns. Stuff that sounds oddly different from what you said.

G’Kar: I…but…adda wibba…

Sinclair: Kthxbai have fun with that tracking device.


ALCOHOL LEADS TO BACKSTORY

Talia: Hi Ivanova.

Ivanova: Let me explain my issue with you. See, the Psi-Corps gave my mom so many sleepers she “committed suicide”, and trust me, that’s questionable at this point, because the Psi-Corps might as well be Big Brother. So I’m not so much mad at you as I’m mad at the Corps. I feel sorry for you.

Talia: But they’re like my Space Dad and Space Stepmom!

Ivanova: …Space Stepmom?


GARIBALDI’S SECOND FAVORITE THING IN THE UNIVERSE


Delenn: So what is …is this “popcorn”? And what is this…cartoon you speak of?

Garibaldi: It’s funny, see, Daffy gets hit by stuff! Here have more popcorn!

Delenn: …what.

WB: THANKS GARIBALDI!


ARC RELEVANT NEWS

ISN: Well, everyone, we're concerned about alien influences on Earth. This will have no bearing whatsoever on future story arcs.

Spoiler alert: They are lying.

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