On that note, here is a ridiculous story about Voldemort going to Wal-Mart on Black Friday.
An owl fluttered through the bright sky, blinking in bewilderment at the sun. It gazed around, squinting its large eyes; then, it spiraled downward and landed on the sill of an ornate manor house. After giving the albino peacocks a bewildered look, it began tapping on the window impatiently. After a moment, a man who appeared to be wearing a Paris Hilton wig answered.
“A message for the Dark Lord? Interesting...” he muttered. Then, glaring at the owl, he added, “Don’t give me that look. This hair is real.” The owl shook its head and flew off.
Lucius sighed and leaned on the windowsill, glad to be away from the Dark Lord for just a few minutes. He was getting worse every day. “Dumbledore was” this and “Potter is” that. Really, couldn’t he just give it up? But now was the time to close his mind; he had to take this message to the Dark Lord.
ONE HOUR LATER...
“This is utter stupidity. Why should we go because some silly Yank Death Eaters want the Dark Lord to give a motivational speech?”
“Quiet Snape! He may hear you!”
“Oh, grow a spine, Lucius. The Dark Lord doesn’t mind us asking his reasons, so long as we agree they’re right all the time.”
“And my reasons, Severus, are to ensure a guard so I don’t have to deal with any foolish Order plots to kill me.” Voldemort strode in and gazed at them all imperiously. “In other words, you may deal with my light work.” A wicked smile. “Are you prepared to leave?”
“Yes my lord,” all said. They strode out and away from the house, and disappeared.
They reappeared in the middle of a cornfield.
Everyone stared around, looking confused.
“Umm...my lord...what do they use to fertilize these fields?”
Voldemort swore and decided he would torch the field later. Just to spite the farmers.
After leaving the field and cleaning themselves up, they were soon met by a wizard swishing toward them in a cloak. He bowed low.
“My lord...welcome to America.”
“Land of the free, home of the brave?” Snape asked scathingly.
“Not for long,” Voldemort retorted. Everyone laughed, figuring it was expected.
Once Voldemort was put up in a nice dark room at the headquarters, his servants figured they might as well get to know the Americans since they had to.
“We know how to sow terror and carnage just as well as you Brits do,” one said proudly.
“And probably more so...” Snape muttered.
“I’m sensing some hostility from you...”
“Really? And how can you do that?”
“Well, you’ve been brandishing your wand at me for the last hour...”
“You had us land in the middle of a field! And they used...”
“Yes, yes, well, we hadn’t expected them to use that for fertilizer, but I guess all this hippie ‘save the earth’ stuff has gotten to them. Anyways, did you bring the cake?”
This question was answered by dead silence.
“Hello? Anyone? Don’t all speak up at once.”
“You didn’t say anything about a cake,” Snape said through gritted teeth.
“Hey, Johnson! Did you tell them about the cake?”
“I thought I did! Did I? I can’t remember now...”
“Johnson’s got a memory problem...”
“Tim, just tell them to go to Wal-Mart for it.” Tim smiled.
“Of course! It’s just down the road!”
This was answered by glares.
“You want us to go to a Muggle store?” Lucius said with disgust.
“Sure. They’ll admire your Paris Hilton wig.”
“This isn’t a wig!”
“Why do we need a cake anyways?” Snape asked.
“Well, you know, our leader, he, uh...well, he’s a wizard, for sure, but somehow he managed to get raised as a Baptist and he hasn’t quite gotten rid of the need to have food at every gathering.”
Snape turned and pounded his head against a wall.
“He gets kinda twitchy if we don’t have some type of food.”
So Snape, Wormtail, and Lucius headed upstairs to give Voldemort the horrific news that they needed a cake.
“Well one of you go get it then,” Voldemort replied irritably. He had actually been practicing his “brooding Dark Lord” look and hated being interrupted like this.
“Lucius?” Snape asked.
“Don’t look at me. You should go. After all, you are a half-blood, aren’t you?” Snape drew his wand, but Voldemort disarmed them both.
“Stop griping, the both of you! Just send Wormtail!”
“My...my lord...I can’t navigate through...”
“No one can, Wormtail! Off with you!” Wormtail scurried out, on his journey to...Wal-Mart.
Wormtail stood outside the entrance, gazing up at the vast building in horror. Wormtail didn’t really like Muggles that much to begin with, and he really didn’t have a clue about how they behaved when out shopping, or anything about department stores. So when faced with the behemoth known as Wal-Mart, he was completely clueless. After hovering outside for some time, watching people go in and out, usually through the wrong doors, he finally took a deep breath and plunged in.
“H’lo...” the greeter muttered, looking sullen. It was clear she had been there all day. Wormtail twitched and scurried off. He hadn’t gotten out of the habit of scurrying yet. Cake...cake...he needed a cake...
He continued to scurry off in a random direction.
Cake...cake...where did they keep cakes here? What was that? And what on earth did they possibly use that for? And...
Ah. Wormtail didn’t need an understanding of Muggle behavior to know what that lacy thing was for...
He hurried off and suddenly found himself being pushed about by buggies. The aisle was filled to the brim with people, many of them extremely moody teenagers.
He had found the electronics department.
Despite his best efforts, he kept getting pushed farther and farther back until he found himself squished against a wall while some very frightening-looking Muggles in dark clothing examined some...things. Boxes of things, or something of that sort. They scanned them under machines which then blared some rather loud, hideous music.
Wormtail had enough. He darted into an empty aisle and transfigured. Luckily he remembered his clothes this time.
“RAT!” A worker came into view, then began chasing him down with a camera tripod. Wormtail scurried away, not unlike the way he scurried when human. He continued for some time, evading workers with other blunt and potentially dangerous objects, and found himself in the back of the building, wondering what on earth he could do.
Ah-ha! An owl had somehow gotten in and was fluttering about, trying to find its way out, and looking highly confused. Wormtail transfigured and rummaged about a desk until he found pen and paper. He scribbled a message, and then summoned the owl (“Accio owl!”), without quite knowing how that worked. He sent the owl off, hoping help would arrive.
There was no way he was going back out there.
Voldemort was relaxing, having a glass of some sort of alcohol that he was pretty sure wasn’t legal at all (it must have been an American thing) when an owl flew in.
“What?” Voldemort read the note, and immediately killed the owl, just because he was in a rather angry mood. He then stormed downstairs.
“HOW IS IT POSSIBLE WORMTAIL CAN’T GET OUT OF A MUGGLE STORE?” he roared.
“Muggle store?” the Americans’ leader asked, confused.
“Me and Tim sent him to Wal-Mart for a cake,” Johnson said cheerfully. His boss immediately Crucio’d him for a time.
“Tim!” Tim wandered in cheerfully.
“Why on earth did you send him to Wal-Mart?”
“We needed a cake, and we know you like—”
“That doesn’t matter! It’s Wal-Mart! And it’s the day after Thanksgiving! ALL HELL HAS BROKEN LOOSE THERE!” Everyone looked confused.
“Is that a problem, Kyle?”
“YES THAT IS A PROBLEM!” Tim looked bewildered.
“What exactly is the problem with the day after...whatever it is?” Lucius asked.
“Because that is the day all the stores drop their prices for Christmas. SALES. EVERY MUGGLE WOMAN IS THERE RIGHT NOW, ALL FIGHTING OVER EVERYTHING IN THE STORE. AT ONCE.”
They all gasped in unison.
“In other words, total chaos reins?” Voldemort asked. “Hmm...I’m getting ideas on what to do when I take over the world...”
“Well...should we go save Wormtail?” Snape asked, looking bored.
“I suppose we must. This was a rather stupid idea to begin with.”
“Well, if you’re going to rescue him, could you get the cake?” Kyle the American leader asked. They gaped. “What? It’d be a nice thing to have when we have our meeting.” Voldemort sighed.
“Right. Lucius, Snape, you go get Wormtail. I’ll get this cake. But so help me, if anyone gets in my way...”
No one needed to ask what would happen.
Voldemort strode in, casting angry glares at everyone. Everyone stared. But, oddly enough...they didn’t seem afraid.
Including the ten year old that ran up, kicked him in the shin, and shouted “Harry Potter rules!” before running away. Voldemort began to sense that they didn’t realize it was him, but a very deranged fan.
Wait, did that mean he had deranged fans? Excellent. More fools to manipulate. Voldemort strode through and immediately located the bakery, which was not really that hard to do at all. He should never have sent Wormtail. He swished forward...
And a buggy ran over his cloak.
Voldemort fell flat on the ground, and by the time he got back up, the offending buggy was gone. Voldemort knocked over a display out of spite and hurried on. He had quite honestly never seen so many insane people gathered together in his life. And that was after living at an orphanage, attending Hogwarts, and peeping in at Muggle Parliament on a random journey. Adjusting his cloak, he pushed forward through crowds of deranged, turkey-stuffed Muggles.
Why did he even decide to do this? He ought to have A/K’d that Kyle fellow.
And why did they know so much about Muggle culture?
While Voldemort paused to ponder this, someone dashed by.
Voldemort looked and then went back to pondering.
Then he did a double take.
No. It couldn’t be...
“Lucius, we have a serious problem, if you hadn’t noticed!”
“Quite frankly, Severus, the only problem I have are the ones who believe me to be Paris Hilton.”
The pair were surrounded by drooling fangirls, many who were clinging to them desperately.
“MARRY ME LUCIUS!” one girl shouted. “Narcissa doesn’t need to know.” Lucius grinned. Snape scowled.
“What? She’s quite nice looking.”
“MARRY ME PARIS!” Lucius looked horrified. The girls began fighting over Snape, and both tore away and dashed off. This was a bit too much.
“Find Wormtail and run. Very very fast.”
“What about the Dark Lord?”
“...I’m sure he can take care of himself very well.”
Voldemort rushed down an aisle. That’s where she had gone...it had to be Potter’s silly little know it all friend...
Oh. It wasn’t.
The girl gaped at him, looking confused.
She gaped some more.
“Uh...” Voldemort gaped back, unsure what to do about a case of mistaken identity. The girl pulled out a cell phone and dialed a number.
“Alyssa? Yeah. I’m in Wal-Mart. Yeah, I know it’s the day after Thanksgiving. Yes, Alyssa, I realize I’m insane. Look, you won’t believe this. Voldemort’s here. He looks confused. Yes, I realize everyone in Wal-Mart is always confused...” Voldemort, utterly bewildered, turned and wandered away.
He tried to move swiftly through the crowd, but he was delayed. First, it was the children who asked him where he got his costume, if they could kick him in the shin, if he was related to Michael Jackson, etc. Then there were the buggies. The buggies were everywhere. And people did not want to move. They parked the buggies directly in the path of everyone else, and were utterly oblivious to someone trying to get through until their buggy was bumped, at which point they would scream obscenities.
“HOW DARE YOU BUMP INTO MY BUGGY YOU $%$%^@#$@%#!@$#%#$^$%^ HIPPOPOTAMUS 6%$@#$@%#$%#$%!DANIEL RADCLIFFE@#$^$%&^%&REPUBLICAN%&$^$%#@%$#%#@ FAR FAR AWAY WHERE NO ONE CAN—” Voldemort wandered away before she could finish the improvised Elder Swear. Clearly another deranged fan. It also reminded him he had to kill that Muggle named Neil Cicierga that was making all those ridiculous videos as well. He thought about just killing everyone in his way, but realized that would bring an entire Wizarding government down on this place. No need to call attention to himself...just get the bloody cake and go...
Ah. There it was. He grabbed it up and stalked back.
“What sort of hideous music is that?” Lucius cried. They had made it to the electronics department. The angry-emo teens there gave them odd looks.
“Harry Potter’s stupid!” they said.
“Well at least we agree on something,” Snape commented. The teens gaped.
“Where did Wormtail say he was?” Lucius hissed.
“Somewhere back here...”
“Lucius! Severus!” Wormtail poked his head from behind a display. “Thank goodness you’re here!”
“Let’s leave now. Is there a back way out?”
“...I don’t know. If there was I wouldn’t have sent for help.” Snape smacked his head against said display, drawing more attention from the teens.
“Would you losers go away?” Lucius had enough. Using his rudimentary knowledge of Muggle culture he transfigured the teens into preps and stalked off, Snape and Wormtail following.
“GAA! ABERCROMBIE BURNS!”
Voldemort looked at the lines. He could just leave. But then that would set off those alarms, which would call down Muggle police, and if he fought off Muggle police it would alert the Wizarding police, and the entire plan would be ruined. So he had to stand in line. The shortest line had ten people in it, all of whom had buggies full of stuff. The first person placed their items on the counter. About halfway through an item wouldn’t scan. The salesperson took about five minutes to see if it would scan, then looked at a list, then tried to scan the item again. Then they called someone over, who also scanned the item, looked at the list, scanned the item again, then called another person over. This third person repeated the process, then picked up a phone and an announcement went up for a price check. Then, silence. This was going to take a while.
Lucius, Snape and Wormtail had gotten out of the electronics department and were darting down an aisle. Suddenly, three people leapt out!
Harry, Ron, and Hermione.
“What? How is this possible?” Lucius cried. They only grinned.
“Ron, take their wands!” Harry said.
“All right!” The shout interrupted them. Several kids gathered around them, gazing at them avidly. “A real battle! Right here!” They were all fans.
“Uh...maybe you should go...” Harry said.
“Oh let us watch. Please?”
Nearly every person in the line had an item that refused to scan, and so the tedious process of discovering the price went on. Then, one of the people was a little old lady, who took an extraordinary amount of time writing her check, and then had to ask the price several times, and then wasn’t sure if she had signed her name right, and could she check and see? And finally, the person before Voldemort stepped in line.
“That will be $20.95.” The man pulled out his checkbook, then swore. No checks. Then he pulled out his wallet and flipped through. No money.
“Hold on.” He dug into his jeans pockets, his shirt pockets, and then his jacket pockets.
“Where did I put my credit card...?” He continued his search. Voldemort wanted to tell him to steal the item, but then realized that would draw attention to himself as well.
“Would you all go away?” Snape cried. “And Potter, how on earth did you find out about our being here?”
“We have our methods, Snape! Now, let me kill you before Voldemort does!” Snape rolled his eyes, and Lucius simply curled his hair around his fingers. Wormtail hovered by, looking nervous. Ron and Hermione were busy arguing and some of the fans were trying to get them to make out.
Voldemort finally placed the cake on the counter.
“Do you have ID?” the cashier asked.
“ID. This is a rum cake, and our new rules are that if a food has alcohol in it you must have picture ID.”
“Do I really look like I’m under 21?” Voldemort asked, remembering that foolish little Muggle law in this country.
“I still need ID.”
“I don’t have an ID. I’m here visiting.”
“Do you have someone with you who has an ID?”
“No. Otherwise they would have come themselves!”
“I still need ID.” Voldemort began to lose patience entirely. And then he saw Snape, Lucius, and Wormtail darting toward the door, pursued by Harry, Ron, Hermione, and several fans, including that odd girl from before.
“The Order is here!” Lucius cried right before they left. Voldemort had enough. He whipped out his wand.
“That’s it! I’m leaving, I’m taking the cake, and...” Suddenly about a dozen Order Members leapt out at once. Scowling, Voldemort decided there was no need to stay. He Disapparated...all the way back to Britain.
“Wait a minute, did we not just talk about setting up a perimeter around here so he couldn’t do that?” Kingsley Shacklebolt cried. “Oh, someone is in so much trouble...”
After wiping everyone’s memories they went outside, where Lucius, Snape, and Wormtail had also Disapparated. Harry, Ron, and Hermione stood out there...with Johnson, Tim, and Kyle.
“We almost had him, but someone messed up,” Kingsley explained, scowling at his crew. Everyone looked sheepish, because no one could actually remember being told to set up a perimeter.
“Well, it almost worked,” Kyle said. “I have to say, though, Tim almost blew it telling them I was raised Baptist.”
“I had to think of some reason to get the cake!”
“I doubt we’ll ever get him to come back,” Johnson sighed. With that, they left, cheered away by avid fans, and one lady finishing her Elder Swear with, “%^$@!#!^%^&%^ ALAKAZAM!”