Gandalf: Well, Thorin, I see we’re starting off with a flashback again.
Thorin: Yes. Where’s my dad?
Gandalf: That doesn’t matter, because Sauron wants your head and you need to go kill Smaug.
Thorin: Sounds like fun.
Meanwhile, in the present day, Azog is still following them.
Gandalf: We have to go to Beorn’s house!
Bilbo: Who’s Beorn?
Gandalf: A were-bear that might kill us all and hates dwarves!
Bilbo is awoken by BEES and Beorn being a Native American
Thorin: Yeah, Tonto, that’s great, but we have to get to the mountain.
Beorn: You know what I hate? Dwarves.
Thorin: Please don’t eat that mouse.
Beorn: You know what I hate more? Orcs. Everyone hates orcs.
Beorn offers them ponies, and they quickly arrive at the entrance to Mirkwood.
Bilbo: ARE YOU SURE GOING IN THERE IS A GOOD IDEA?
Thorin: Get on with it.
As it turns out, Mirkwood isn’t just uncomfortably close, but causes hallucination. They hallucinate their way right into a bunch of spider webs.
Bilbo: MY RING MY RING NO TOUCHY
An epic battle ensues between the dwarves and the spiders, which is soon interrupted by the wood elves.
Kili: …I think I’m in love.
Legolas: So you’re all under arrest.
Thorin: For what?
Legolas: YOU DID A THING.
So the dwarves are taken prisoner, Kili flirts with Tauriel—
Kili: Teach me some of your arrow techniques baby…
Tauriel: *finger gun*
Legolas: Are…are you two flirting? HEY STOP FLIRTING. I’M PRETTIER.
—and Thranduil is a jerk.
Thranduil: Come on, we just want a Silmaril. I mean do you know how long we’ve been fighting over the Silmarils? Since like forever!
Thorin: I’ll shove that Silmaril up your—
Meanwhile, Bilbo sneaks around and overhears awkward conversations.
Thranduil: So Legolas totally has a crush on you. But you can’t marry him, you know that right?
Tauriel: Whatever. I’m gonna go flirt with the dwarf some more.
Luckily Bilbo has his One Ring of Convenient Invisibility and soon finds the guardroom.
Elf: COME ON MAN! IT’S A PARTY! PARTY TIME MAN!
Second Elf: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
Bilbo rescues the dwarves the moment they pass out, and they go on a magnificent water park ride.
UNTIL THE ORCS SHOW UP.
Thorin: THERE’S A GATE.
Kili: Don’t worry guys I’ll just pull the lever and OW MY LEG.
Orc: HEYYY HEY GUYS I GOT THE LITTLEST DWARF!
Tauriel: ARROW’D AGAIN!
Kili: …I know I’m in love.
Afterward, Thranduil interrogates an orc.
Orc: HAYYY HAY THAT WAS A MORGUL BLADE I PUT IN YOUR BOYFRIEND YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT?
Tauriel: TO THE PLOT!
Thranduil: Anyways, clearly this means Sauron wants to murder us all, and you know that the best policy to deal with Sauron is pretend he isn’t there. He hates the silent treatment.
Elsewhere, Gandalf and
the Doctor Radagast have
figured out they should go to Dol Guldur.
Gandalf: Okay, Radagast, Sauron has one of those stupid “anti-Muggle” spells on his fortress. Go tell Galadriel I’m gonna drop in on him for tea, okay?
Radagast: IT’S A TRAP!
Gandalf: I’ll be real careful and quiet, okay?
Five seconds later:
Gandalf: SAURON I’M INSIDE YOUR HOUSE!
The dwarves, meanwhile, bribe Bard to sneak them into town, and Legolas vainly pursues Tauriel, in every meaning of that phrase.
Legolas: You know…you know we could talk to Dad, you know…
Tauriel: Come on, Legolas! We have to go save the world! And my boyfriend!
Legolas: But…but I’m Orlando Bloom…
So Bard sneaks the dwarves into town, where the Master has apparently taken up residence. Alas, Radagast does not make a timely appearance. A very annoying cockney does, though.
Cockney Guy: Baaard Bard you’re in trouble for reasons.
Bard: Like what?
Cockney Guy: IMPORTANT REASONS.
Bard: Whatever. I’m going to go stir up the French revolution, or something.
Next we meet Bard’s adorable children, Bard realizes that this is all part of a Prophecy of Doom, and Thorin promises gold for all.
Thorin: I’ll build orphanages! Lots of orphanages!
Bard: THERE WON’T BE ANY ORPHANS LEFT.
But since it’s Bard, no one listens to him, and the dwarves get a big send-off while Kili lays around in Bard’s house getting Morgul’d.
Bard: FYI we give athelas to the pigs.
A mad scramble ensues.
Meanwhile, in Dol Guldur…
Gandalf: So basically, Azog, I just wanted to sell Sauron a new vacuum cleaner. I mean have you seen this place?
Azog: …KILL THE OLD GUY.
Gandalf flees, while Azog babbles something about “we are legion” while looking for his Guy Fawkes mask. Then Gandalf nearly runs off the edge of a cliff.
Gandalf: Seriously, can this place look any more like Amnesia?
Sauron appears as a writhing shadow.
Gandalf: OKAY YOU’RE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE NOW.
The dwarves arrive at the Lonely Mountain, and after much derping around and making enough noise to wake a dragon, Bilbo points out that moon is light too.
Thorin: Right. Well then, go on Bilbo. Go fetch the Arkenril.
Bilbo: Oh. That. Yeah.
Bilbo wanders into the Hall of Shiny Things, pokes at things, and, since he hadn’t yet read Beowulf, picks up a cup.
Smauglock Cumberkhan: Starships…starships are annoying…Moriarty stole my money…HAYYYY WHO ARE YOU?
Bilbo: …barrel rider?
Smauglock: The squeaky one is right. I hate barrels.
A grand chase ensues, and Smaug knocks a lot of things over, pretty much because.
Bard: Did you hear that? Quick son, grab that black arrow! Smaug can’t stand black arrows any more than Sauron can stand the silent treatment!
The Master: JAIL’D!
Orcs: ARRIV’D TOO EARLY!
Meanwhile, the chase continues.
Bilbo: OH COME ON. We could be a team! Haven’t you seen Dragonheart?
Smauglock: I HATE THAT MOVIE.
Thorin: Bilbo! There you are!
Bilbo: RUN RUN DRAGON.
Thorin: You aren’t hiding the Arkenril in your waistcoat, are you?
Thorin: I don’t think a dragon would fit in your waistcoat.
Balin: We should probably run away now.
Bard’s house, meanwhile, is overrun with all manner of fantasy creatures.
Orc: Where’s Thorin?
Orc: No, seriously, just…
Orc: GUYS IT’S JUST A QUESTION.
Legolas: Okay, Tauriel, time to go kill more orcs!
Kili: I’M HAVING SOUL PAINS GUYS.
Tauriel: LEGOLAS WHAT WAS MY ENTIRE REASON FOR COMING ALL THIS WAY?
Legolas proceeds to chase down a messenger orc, and winds up getting his pretty face artfully bloodied, while the mad scramble for the athelas ends.
Tauriel: Hey, athelas!
Everyone holds Kili down while Tauriel uses Highly Suggestive Elven Healing Technique.
Gloin: Well that was a privilege to behold.
Bofur: Should the kids be watching this???
Kili: Spiders…spiders want me to tapdance…sexy elven ladies…arrow techniques…
Gandalf: But you have to admit Machine for Pigs didn’t have as good a storyline!
Sauron: I ADMIT NOTHING! Now, you just stay there in your cage of doom while I go take over the world. AGAIN.
Back in the Lonely Mountain, our heroes run into a…problem.
Thorin: Holy crap, everyone died trying to get out!
Balin: Now what?
Thorin: Wait, I have a highly convoluted plan!
Thorin’s plan involves getting Smaug to fire up the kilns and make a giant gold dwarf that will melt onto him. It works this far.
Then he gets back up.
Smauglock: OW BURNY PAIN BURNY PAIN OWOWOWOW
Bilbo: Where’s he going?
Smauglock: I’M GOING TO BLAME THE HUMANS.
Bilbo: …aww we done did it now.