Friday, December 13, 2013

Parody 5: S1, E4: ANVILection

HALLWAY

Reporter Woman: I have 80’s hair. And where is Sinclair?

Garibaldi: In a ship. He does this a lot.

Reporter: Well I haven’t talked to him since I got here.

Garibaldi: Yeah. Hey, look, it’s an aphrodisiac and a floor wax! I wonder if it’s a dessert topping too?


MEDLAB

Franklin: Hey, Vance, I haven’t seen you in a while!

Vance: Hello old student. I have a super awesome fun adventure! WE’RE GOING ON AN ADVENTURE STEPHEN! TO CANDY MOUNTAIN!

Franklin: Okay…?


DOCKING BAY

Dockworker: Anything to declare?

Nelson: JUST THIS TASER.


FIVE MINUTES LATER

Garibaldi: THIS IS SKETCHY. EVERYTHING IS SKETCHY.


YOU BELONG IN A MUSEUM

Vance: We found these, and the Ikarra used to be a very advanced race.

Franklin: It’s scanning stuff! This is so awesome! Wait, why wasn’t this quarantined?

Vance: It got quarantined on Proxima 3. This is going to be epic, and I want you to help us poke at this unknown technology!

Franklin: YES PLEASE.


THE CONSEQUENCES OF POKING AT UNKNOWN TECHNOLOGY

Nelson: Ugh…I feel terrible after opening that creepy box AND DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN MY HAND IS THE BORG!


C&C

Ivanova: We’re checking on some bizarre energy readings, and you have to meet with that reporter.

Sinclair: I don’t wanna meet with the reporter!

Garibaldi: Why?

Sinclair: Well…

YEARS EARLIER

Reporter: So what do you think of this hot topic issue?

Sinclair: YOU’RE ALL IDIOTS.

PRESENT DAY

Sinclair: And then I was told if I liked bananas, there were lots of bananas on the Rim, and it all went downhill from there.


FRANKLIN’S CONSCIENCE

Franklin: I don’t like raiding dead worlds, it’s…awkward. Like rifling through a homeless spider’s pockets.

Vance: But it’s AWESOME. And archaeology is hard work. AND AWESOME WORK. I lost my fedora.


NELSON WHY

Nelson: Look, a scarab beetle! I’ll put it on my neck. That makes complete sense, right?

Scarab Beetle of DOOM: LOL.


NELSON IS NOW A BORGALEK

Franklin: Lights? No lights? Nelson, you in here? Vance? HELLOOOOO?

Nelson: RESISTANCE IS FUTILE! EXTERMINATE!

Franklin: OW Y U SHOOT ME?


VANCE STILL BELONGS IN A MUSEUM

Sinclair: So why did he get attacked by a guy covered in organic armor using a weapon?

Vance: I don’t know. Nelson said he checked them.

Sinclair: What does it even DO?

Vance: It’s trying to assimilate Nelson possibly.

Garibaldi: But WHY?


EVERYTHING IS CRAZY

Reporter: Lol hi Commander.

Sinclair: Go away 80’s hair.

Reporter: This is news.

Sinclair: And you are an idiot. GTFO.

Reporter: But I want to badger you in the middle of a crisis where people are dying horribly!


Meanwhile, Borg!Nelson is going around shooting people and totally not shouting “exterminate”. At all.


C&C

Franklin: The Ikarrans got invaded a lot, so they created the perfect weapon that could fight anything. They programmed it with the brain wave patterns of a researcher named Tularr. And it won’t respond to anyone who isn’t pure Ikarran. But they got a little overly specific on “pure”.

Sinclair: To the Zocalo! Who came up with this “pure” thing?

Franklin: Religious fanatics.

Sinclair: Well of course they did!

Franklin: And when the machine got done beating back invaders, it killed everything else.

Sinclair: Let’s try to talk to Tularr instead of the Borg.


HALLWAY

Borg!Nelson: THEY SAID I COULD BE ANYTHING I WANTED, SO I DECIDED TO BE A BORGALEK.

Sinclair: Let’s lure it to the docking area. I’m gonna piss it off!

Garibaldi: OH THAT’S A GREAT IDEA.


DOCKING AREA

Sinclair: OHAI TULARR.Your whole world is destroyed. You failed. You destroyed it yourself cuz you suck. NYAH NYAH.

Borg!Tularr: Did not!

Sinclair: Ikarra is dead NYAH NYAH.


The “Nyah Nyah” is enough to really annoy His Borginess. He shouts stuff about “protect” and “exterminate” and knocks Sinclair into some chairs.

Borg!Tularr: You’re not pure!

Sinclair: Your people weren’t pure either.

Borg!Tularr: Yuh-huh!

Sinclair: Nelson whose body you’re using at the time saw your world. Check it out in his mind.

Borg!Tularr: The anviliciousness of it all! It’s TERRIFYING! TOO MANY ANVILS!!!


After asking forgiveness of the Great Maker, who’s apparently a really important guy like J. Michael Straczynski Borg!Nelson takes off the scarab and Nelson becomes unassimilated.


MEDLAB

Franklin: Nelson’s okay. Found this odd cardiac stimulation taser in Nelson’s bag, like the marks on the dockworker guy’s back. So you knew about the whole not quarantine thing.

Vance: Well…err…Interplanetary Expeditions is a front for a bioweapons supplier. I wanted to make sure the organic technology thing was legit.

Franklin: And then it took over Nelson cuz he was willing to kill.

Vance: Look, don’t turn me in and the supplier can give you money.

Franklin: SERIOUSLY?


A HEARTFELT CONVERSATION

Garibaldi: So everyone thinks you’re awesome. But this is the third time you’ve thrown yourself into life-threatening danger. You need a purpose beyond paperwork. Like becoming a Chosen One or something.

Sinclair: Well that’s awkwardly arc relevant.


DRINKING

Franklin: So now that we’ve had this anvilicious episode, we have a growing racist group of anti-alien people on Earth.

Security: Earthforce wants those bioweapons for bioweapon research TOTALLY JUST TO KEEP EARTH SAFE.

Franklin: D-:

Ivanova: I’m going to go get drunk.


INTERVIEW

Reporter: So is being spacefaring worth it? Or should we take care of our issues at home?

Sinclair: Nah. Everyone agrees the sun will eventually go out, like a million years from now or something. So we have to keep it up or basically everything is screwed and we don’t get to throw raucous parties on any planets, such as the Vorlon homeworld.

Reporter: …that was oddly specific.

Sinclair: I READ THE SCRIPT.


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