Tuesday, September 24, 2013

100 Themes Challenge: Innocence

     What is innocence? No one seems to quite know, or at least know how to define it. Is it a concept, an idea, a state of mind? Is it intrinsic or developed?
     To some, innocence is the absence of evil thoughts and evil behavior. What is evil? some ask. That’s where the definition falls apart. Some believe evil exists on its own, a potent force against good. I don’t think so, though. Evil is just the perversion of what is good. Sex is good. Rape is bad. Rape does not exist on its own; it’s just a twisted version of sex by people whose minds are ill. Alcohol is not intrinsically evil; it is when people misuse it that it becomes a problem.
     Sometimes this definition of innocence is taken farther. To some, the innocent have no concept of evil at all. Everything is good, everything is bright. The innocent are lambs to the slaughter. Yet where does that phrase come from? It comes from the Bible, of course. Christ was the lamb to the slaughter, and was wholly innocent; but He was not na├»ve or foolish. There’s another verse that sort of destroys this concept of innocence. “Be as wise as serpents and gentle as doves.” Innocence is not lack of knowledge, or foolishness. It is the studied refusal of the evil that seeks to deceive.
     What is innocence then? In legal terms, it means one has not committed a crime. The legal terms are very, very specific. One can be innocent of murder while still be guilty of assault. One can be innocent of theft while still being guilty of helping the thieves. The legal definition can hardly be applied to real life.
     Innocence is often described as being “closer to nature”. To some, the growing technology and artificial goods is a sign of growing evil. If we returned to a simpler way of life, we would be happier. This could be true to a point. But “returning to nature” does not guarantee the peace and love that supposedly comes from innocence. Is the lion innocent even as it sinks its teeth into the antelope’s throat? Does that innocence come from the need for a meal, or some the fact that the lion is not sentient-it is acting purely on instinct; it is a carnivore. Would we as sentient beings need to become vegetarians or vegans to be truly innocent?

     But I don’t think any of these definitions quite encompass the term. See, unless one lives under a rock, one cannot be blithely, unknowingly innocent. We must live in the world, and interact with the world, good and bad. Innocence must be cultivated. Not naivete, innocence. To fight against the urges to think wicked thoughts, to fight the urges to believes ourselves better than those around us, to fight against the dreadful actions that make our world miserable. This, I believe, is true innocence. It is much more difficult, and much more complex, than anyone imagines.

A/N: Also known as "Erica babbles pretentiously"

Monday, September 23, 2013

Troy Has An Epic


This is quite possibly the most beautiful thing on YouTube.

Star Trek: Into Shout-Outs

NIBIRU, LAND OF WHITE FACED CREEPERS
Apparently the Enterprise crew is trying to stop a volcano from killing the White Faced Creepers that are attempting to murder everyone.
Spock: Why am I in Mordor? Did we wind up in the wrong movie?

So the Enterprise is in the ocean, submersible using the power of lens flare.
Kirk: So, where’s Spock?
Scotty: In Mordor. He said something about a ring…?
Kirk: FFFFF—
Chekov: If ve had direct line ov sight…
Scotty: Man you cannae beam a man from bloody Mordor!
Bones:  BOTH OF YOU STOP TALKING.

So the Enterprise leaves, but then…
Scotty: Oh, wait, we can beam him up. Never mind.
Spock: But now the White Faced Creepers know about space ships…
Kirk: What could go wrong?
White Faced Creepers: WE MUST NOW BECOME TREKKIES.

ENGLAND
Dude: I can save your dying daughter.
Father: Who are you?
Dude: I AM SHERLOCK KHAN.
Fans: SHERLOOOOCCCKKKK!!!!

GIRLS WITH TAILS
Kirk: WHEEEE

ACADEMY
Pike: So what was this about a primitive people becoming Trekkies?
Kirk: Umm…
Spock: What? I was supposed to tell them about it.
Pike: I don’t care which of you started, I’ll finish it!

MEDICINE!
Sherlock Khan: So here is the magic medicine.
Father: Awesome! Now what?
Sherlock Khan: I need you to blow up yourself and your coworkers.
Father: Well…that sucks.
Sherlock Khan: Yep. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go stand around in my trench coat and look mysterious and pale.

DRUNK KIRK
Kirk: Hey there…sexy…?
Pike: …well, thank you.
Kirk: Why do you interrupt my flirting with the cute Asian girl?
Pike: Because I have words of wisdom to impart.
Kirk: I can haz my ship back?
Pike: NO.

FANSERVICE
Kirk: But Spooocckkk I saved your liiiiife you totally owed me.
Spock: Why are you such a whiny—
Kirk: YOU’RE MY BFF I DON’T WANNA LEEEEAVE!!! *cling*
Spock: …

MEETING!
Kirk: So this guy blew up an archive and stole a plane? I mean wouldn’t it be better to do it in a place where all of us officers were…together…
Spock: FFFFFF—

So things start blowing up, Sherlock Khan starts shooting at them because…because…
Sherlock Khan: BECAUSE I’M HOLMES, THAT’S WHY! EVERYTHING I DO IS ARBITRARY!
Kirk: NOT AGAIN.
And then Pike dies.
Spock: Pike! Pike why did you have to be the wise old man with a beard!
Sherlock Khan: *points to eyes, points to Kirk*

Meanwhile, Spock may or may not be mindmelding with Pike, and Kirk cries over his body and it’s actually quite sad.

Elsewhere, Khan puts up his hood, turns into Ezio, and runs away.

THE PLOT!
Kirk: Kronos?
Marcus: That’s the Klingon homeworld, and you know how they feel about us. So, let’s get back to status quo, and go there and try not to totally eff this up and like start a war or anything…

PLOTPOINT!
Mary Sue Wallace: I have impressive credentials.
Kirk: I’LL SAY.

SCOTTY IS SO SCOTTISH!
Scotty: This is military, not exploration!
Kirk: Wait, when was this not military?
Scotty: I…I dunno…

QUESTIONS
Kirk: Hey, Uhura? Why do the rest of us have long sleeves but the girls have cap sleeves?
Uhura: I…I got nothing…
Kirk: And are you and Spock ever going to break up so we can do sex?
Uhura: I DON’T LIKE THIS CONVERSATION ANYMORE.
Kirk: Hey, Chekov, I need you to be the engineer.
Chekov: *cries*
Kirk: Anyways guys, the point is to catch the pale kid, not kill him. Even if I really want to punch him repeatedly in the face.
Spock: We can be friends again.
Kirk: ATTENTION CREW, SPOCK AND I ARE NO LONGER FIGHTING. YOU CAN PRETEND TO HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO NOW.

MARY SUE!
Spock: So, Mary Sue, daddy got you reassigned?
Mary Sue: Actually, I, uh…snuck aboard.
Spock: Oh my God, you’re a worse Mary Sue than I thought.

Then the ship is accidentallied as they arrive on Kronos.

LOGIC!
Kirk: Okay, kids, change into not-red shirts.
Lieutenants: THANK YOU CAPTAIN. THANK YOU SO MUCH. *sobs of joy*

SULU IS AWESOME
Sulu: Okay Pale Kid. I HAVE REALLY BIG GUNS POINTED RIGHT AT YOU.
Chekov: …you’re not going to—
Sulu: CHEKOV THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS MOMENT.

AWKWARD
Uhura: Spock we need to discuss your emotional detachment. I mean even Kirk…
Kirk: Can…can I just stay out of this…?
Klingon: SCREW YOUR PERSONAL ISSUES! Do you hear our language? IT IS THE LANGUAGE OF NERDDOM!
Uhura: Greetings glorious nerds! I am here to help you find a famous pale kid.
Klingon: I…I don’t watch the BBC…
Uhura: But it is a matter of honor. Did you see that cliffhanger?
Klingon: DON’T TALK TO ME ABOUT SHERLOCK SEASON 2!

Suddenly Sherlock Khan arrives in full Ezio cosplay to save Uhura from a terrible death!
Kirk: Oh my God, Sherlock Khan is awesome as Ezio! Do you think he should win a contest? I think he should win a contest.
Sherlock Khan: Sulu threatened me with torpedoes!
Kirk: Yeah, we have…umm…we have lots of torpedoes.
Sherlock Khan: Oh, I’ll come with you then.
Kirk: Oh…that’s it? That’s all it took?

THIS LOOKS FAMILIAR
Sherlock Khan: Why am I in the Loki-cage?
Bones: Who cares, I need your blood.
Sherlock Khan: I know something you don’t know! I know something you don’t know!
Kirk: I could never resist that in elementary school!
Spock: *facepalm*
Sherlock Khan: Here are some super-important coordinates, and you need to check on those torpedoes…

CLUBBING!
Scotty: Kirk, man, why are ye calling me while I’m blind drunk?

A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE A WEAPONS SPECIALIST SNEAKS ON BOARD…
Spock: So apparently Mary Sue knows about weapons? Like everything else.

INNUENDO!
Mary Sue takes her clothes off in front of Kirk for no apparent reason and Bones goes to help Mary Sue open the torpedo.
Bones: What can my hands do for you? I can work magic on your missile. I’m ready and raring.
Sulu: Please? Please let me?
Kirk: SULU THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS MOMENT.

The torpedo almost explodes, but then Mary Sue magically manages to make it not explode.
Also, there are cryogenically frozen people inside.
Kirk: DAMN SHADOWS, STAY IN YOUR OWN FANDOM!

EXPLANATION!
Sherlock Khan: I am a hyper-intelligent super soldier who survived Season 2 by being cryogenically frozen, and I’m actually working for Marcus who keeps threatening my friends.
Kirk: So this is Into Darkness, and you’re a super soldier…Soldier of Darkness?
Sherlock Khan: What about staying in our own fandoms?
Kirk: You’re one to talk.

MARCUS IS PALPATINE
Marcus: HELLO MY YOUNG APPRENTICE. I mean…umm…it appears Khan is trying to manipulate you. Yes.
Kirk: I’m sorry sir. I was just excited to see Season 3.

Then they blow holes in Kirk’s ship and people die a lot and they’re in warp which is like hyperspace but not as scary and…
Mary Sue: Dad, I’m on the ship.
Marcus: Dammit, what did I tell you about interfering with the plot?
Mary Sue: Dad, I will use my Mary Sue powers to convince you to not kill everyone.
Marcus: Sure ya will. Get over here, you are grounded.
Kirk: Look, I’ll just hand Khan over, because friendship is magic.
Marcus: Nah. Can’t you see I’m evil now? EVIL. Except…why aren’t our weapons firing?
Scotty: GOT YA NOW YA BLOODY BASTARDS!

TEAM SPIRK
Kirk: So I’m going to get Khan to help us.
Spock: That’s a horrible idea.
Kirk: The enemy of my enemy is my friend?
Spock: That guy’s friends killed him.
Kirk: Dammit Spock, just let me be right-brained!
Spock: You’re my BFF I don’t want you to leave…

WHY IS THERE A TRIBBLE HERE?
Kirk: No, seriously?
Bones: Experiments. Seeing why Khan can regenerate.
Kirk: But what if they become a constantly-reproducing race that slowly drives the Klingons insane?
Bones: SCIENCE!

TEAM SHIRK
So Team Shirk decides to pop over to Marcus’ ship for tea, and Scotty is running out of ways to sabotage things.
Scotty: You cannae jump into the wee door!
Kirk: I’ve done it before.
Sherlock Khan: Activate our Tron helmets!
Kirk: Activating Tron helmets!

So they fly through space, and Kirk’s Tron helmet gets hit. Luckily, Sherlock Khan helps out.
Sherlock Khan: Do you keep a blog? You should keep a blog.

Also there’s this random robot guy that’s not Data, so he doesn’t even count.
Robot Guy: D:

Naturally, Team Shirk makes it inside, and Scotty looks confused.
Kirk: Scotty, meet Sherlock Khan.
Scotty: Can you tell us what happened after Season 2?
Sherlock Khan: NO.

FUTURE SELVES ANONYMOUS
Leonard Nimoy: Hi Spock.
Spock: Hi Spock.
This goes on.
Spock: Remember Khan?
Leonard Nimoy: Oh God, everyone knows about Wrath of Khan. EVERYONE.
Spock: I’m going to die, aren’t I?
Leonard Nimoy: OH LOOK, TIME TO GO!
Spock: But future me, what about the whales?
Leonard Nimoy: I dunno. I have a meeting of Future Selves Anonymous.Firebrand keeps robbing banks.
Spock: …

DAMMIT SPOCK…
Bones: I’m a doctor, not a torpedo technician!
Spock: If you use that line again I will punch you.
Bones: …

Meanwhile, Team Shirky invades the bridge. Also Sherlock Khan gets knocked out briefly, but that never lasts long.
Marcus: Well who cares, we have to fight Klingons, and I’m the only one that can save us!
Kirk: I see where your daughter gets it.
Mary Sue: I could lead—
Marcus, Kirk, and Scotty: NO!

Then Sherlock Khan decides to punch Kirk and threaten Mary Sue.
Sherlock Khan: Shut up Mary Sue.
Marcus: Oh thanks Sh—*dies*

So Sherlock Khan just wants his BFFs back, and apparently their whole thing about “peacekeeping” involves pretending to be Daleks.
Sherlock Khan: We are so much better than the Daleks.
Spock: Just take the torpedoes already!
Sherlock Khan: Oh, okay. Here, you guys can die over there instead!

Instead, Bones keeps the cryo tubes safe, gives Khan explodey-missiles, and then…
Random Alien Chick Never Seen Before: Auxiliary power failing!
Kirk: Wait, who are you?

So Spock tries to make everyone leave but Sulu’s not having it.
Sulu: DON’T MAKE ME SAY IT IN A SERIOUS MOMENT, SPOCK.

So some other screaming chick dies (this happens a lot) and the Enterprise starts tearing itself apart.
Gravity is doing funny non-gravity things, and there is lens flare.
Kirk decides to run into the irradiated room of death in a very dramatic manner, and the Enterprise catches fire and THAT DAMN LENS FLARE IS EVERYWHERE and…
Sulu: Oh, we’re not going to blow up after all!

Then the Enterprise rises above the clouds, and Trekkies begin to worship.
Spock: Wait, where’s Kirk?
Scotty: OH GOD IT’S HORRIBLE
Spock: *ignores girlfriend for Kirk*
Fans: TEAM SPIRK!

Spock: But…but Kirk I was supposed to be behind the glass…
Kirk: I know, right? But YOU CAN SAVE THE WHALES SPOCK. SAVE THEM.
Spock: KHHHHHAAAANNNNNN!!!!
Fans: WHAT.

Meanwhile, Sherlock Khan decides to blow up Starfleet via ramming, and no lens flare.
Spock: Find Sherlock Khan. I’M GOING TO KILL HIM.
Sulu: OOHHHH…whoa, that’s horrifying. You’re genuinely horrifying right now.

Sherlock Khan: Here I’m going to steal this coat.
Spock: AWWW YOU DONE DID IT NOW

ENTEPRISE
Bones: Maybe he mindmelded with someone…?
Mary Sue: Maybe we should find Spoony.
Bones: NO MORE NOSTALGIA CRITIC FOR YOU MARY SUE.
Tribble: Hey, you can use Sherlock Khan’s magic regeneration abilities to make this into a metaphorical crucifixion scene!
Bones: Thank you annoying fluffy thing!

Uhura: Beam me down so I can save Spock’s boyfr—I MEAN….
Sulu: Please…?
Bones: NO SULU

Spock coldcocks Sherlock Khan, which means he probably could have done that at any time.

So Kirk hears his life flashing before his ears when he wakes up from being not dead.
Bones: You were only mostly dead.
Kirk: …did you just do that?
Then Kirk and Spock have a heartwarming reunion.

So Sherlock Khan is in a cryotube, but you can bet your nerdy butts he won’t stay there forever, BECAUSE SEQUEL.

So Kirk gives an epic speech. And then sends the Enterprise on a journey of TV Series magic.
Kirk: Hi Mary Sue.
Mary Sue: I can haz flirts?
Kirk: Nah, I’m too busy hanging out with Spock. Mr. Sulu, I’m impressed by your self-control. Rev those engines!
Sulu: OOOOHHHHH MMMMMYYYYYY!!!!

Kirk: DAMMIT SULU DAMMIT I’M NEVER LETTING YOU TALK AGAIN

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Star Trek: To Be Arbitrary Where No One Has Been Arbitrary Before!

Our movie starts out with lens flare. Lots and lots of lens flare.

What appears to be the lovechild between a Vorlon and Shadow ship comes out of a black hole thing, and no one can see it because there’s a lens flare. It promptly beats up the Federation ship.

Nero: Hey guys I know we just like beat you up but do you want to come over for coffee?

Captain: Right.

Romulan Dude: My commander’s name is Nero. That’s not relevant at all, right?

True to his name, Nero kills the captain because, um…reasons?

Nero: BECAUSE I’M A ROMULAN, THAT’S WHY! EVERYTHING I DO IS ARBITRARY!

So George Kirk flies the ship while everyone escapes.

Momma Kirk: George, our overly dramatic son is about to pop out in an overly dramatic way!

George Kirk: TELL HIM NOT TO TAKE ACTING LESSONS FROM WILLIAM SHA—

George Kirk defeats the Romulans via lens flare and ramming.


JOY RIDE!

Several years later, a Wee Kirk drives a very old car stupidly, which means he still drives better than anyone in the Quad Cities. He destroys the car, because…

Kirk: BECAUSE I’M KIRK, THAT’S WHY! EVERYTHING I DO IS ARBITRARY!


Meanwhile, on Vulcan, a wee Spock is smarter than all of you. ALL OF YOU.

We get a great deal of Nerd Bullying.

Bullies: MY INSULTS ARE SMARTER THAN YOUR INSULTS.

Spock: Nuh-uh.

Bullies: YOUR MOM.

Spock: FFFFF—


Years later, the Vulcans are still pulling out the “Yo Mama” jokes.

Old Dude: So you’re doing well in spite of YOUR MOM.

Spock: LIVE LONG AND PROSPER BITCHES


Meanwhile, in Iowa, Uhura parties.

Kirk: YOU’RE HOT.

Federation Guys: DON’T TOUCH OUR TOKEN FEMALE!

Uhura: I’ll just stand over here and shout at you to stop hitting him without actually doing anything about it, even though I’m a trained soldier.

Pike: Hey Kirk since my people hate you, do you want to join us? I’m sure this won’t have any repercussions…


FLYING!

Bones: I’M A DOCTOR NOT A BIRD! AND THE LENS FLARE IS A KILLER!

Kirk: Tell me about it, Bones.


THREE YEARS LATER

The Romulans fly around arbitrarily. Nero is also glaring at the camera arbitrarily.

Nero: OKAY GUYS SPOCK IS HERE WE HAVE TO BE REALLY CRAZY NOW.

Romulans: …that’s pretty crazy. Can we be a little less crazy?

Nero: NO WE HAVE TO BE AS CRAZY AS POSSIBLE! AND ARBITRARY! WE HAVE TO BE ARBITRARY!


GREEN BOOBS

Kirk: This is just the beginning!

Uhura: *facepalm*


CHEATING!

Kirk: I’ll just reprogram this training simulation to be my slave.

Spock: YOU JUST MISSED THE ENTIRE POINT.

Meanwhile, there’s some cadet named “Vader”. Everyone giggles in their palm.


SMUGGLING THE KIRK

Bones: Here, I’m giving you a vaccine and pretend you need to come with me, and you’re going to start seeing lens flare soon.

Kirk: OH FFFF—

Bones: JIM LOOK OUTSIDE AT THE GLORIOUS LENS FLARE!

Kirk: I DON’T FEEL WELL.


ALLERGIC REACTION!

Kirk: OH MY GOD MY HANDS

Bones: Jim…Jim stop…

Kirk: ROMULANS ARE BEING ARBITRARY!

Bones: Jim…

Kirk: BY TUG! BY TUG!

Bones: *stabby needle*

Pike: I don’t even.

Kirk: Does this not sound like the beginning of this movie?

Pike: Oh. WHY DID IT TAKE THE ALLERGIC-REACTION IDIOT TO FIGURE THIS OUT? Okay kids, let’s go be arbitrary too.


ARBITRARY DESTRUCTION IS ARBITRARY!

Pike: LEAN TO THE LEFT!

Sulu: AND A JUMP TO THE RIGHT!

Spock: Captain, the Romulans are using lens flare again!

Pike: I can’t see anything!

Nero: Ohai Chris, want to come aboard for coffee?

Kirk: Didn’t this happen before?

Pike: Okay, Sulu, you must be a martial artist so you’re in. Kirk, you’re annoying, you come with me too.

Kirk: UHHHH

Nero: PREPARE FOR ARBITRARINESS! They will never defeat our high collar trenchcoats!

Pike: Okay, Kirk, Sulu, go do some things down on Vulcan. Spock, be…awesome. Don’t wreck the ship. Chekhov, go do…whatever it is you do.

Chekhov: …abuse mundanes?

Pike: KEEP IT IN THE SAME FANDOM CHEKHOV.

Spock: Okay guys, no one wreck the ship. Bones, go be grouchy.

Bones: Got it.

Kirk: So what can you do, Sulu?

Sulu: Sword fight. OOHHH MMMYYYY

Kirk: …


VULCAN!

Atmosphere diving is like sky diving. With more lens flare.

Olson, who is wearing red, dies.

Kirk: OLSON I TOLD YOU TO PUT ON THE BLUE SUIT.

Sulu: I CHALLENGE YOU TO A SWORD FIGHT ROMULAN!

Romulan: THIS WILL BE THE MOST ARBITRARY SWORD FIGHT EVER!

Nero: LAUNCH THE ARBITRARY RED MATTER!

Kirk: That’s a bad thing, isn’t it?

Chekhov: They’re going to make a black hole!

Spock: Okay, I’m getting Mom and Dad. Chekhov, you get to command. Try to be comprehensible.

Chekhov: …

Kirk: Sulu! Pull my chute!

Sulu: …

Kirk: Don’t do it, Sulu.

Sulu: ….

Kirk: DON’T DO IT SULU!

Sulu: OOHH MMYYYYY

Kirk: I HATE YOU SULU


Meanwhile, on Vulcan, Spock grabs Mama, and some Red Shirt Vulcan is crushed by a statue.

Mama Spock: I’ll just stand way over here next to the cliff’s edge, okay? That’s a good idea? *falls off the cliff*

Spock: DO NOT WAAAAAANNNNTTT


Then the planet collapses and it really kind of sucks. Literally.

Spock: Go away, Uhura, I have to be broodingly mysterious now. It’s for the fangirls.


MISPLACED RAEG!

Nero: I was a nice guy! But then the Vulcans were mean to us and Spock betrayed us! BUT NOW I’M ANGRY AND ARBITRARY!

Pike: You realize you’re from the wrong time period?

Nero: Exactly! I’m going to stop it all by being a jerk to everyone! That will totally stop people from being jerks to us. It’s legit. Here, have a Centaurian slug. It’s like truth serum, except horrible.

Londo: IN OUR GOLDEN DAYS WE HAD HUNDREDS OF CENTAURI SLUGS FOR THOUSANDS OF TRUTH SERUMS.

Nero: GET BACK TO YOUR OWN FANDOM LONDO


Spock: So, they’re from the future.

Bones: DAMMIT SPOCK, I’M A DOCTOR, NOT THE DOCTOR!

Kirk: Anyways, I want to cause more problems.

Spock: Okay, send him to the ice planet. I’m tired of this.

Kirk: WHAT.


Then he gets attacked by a giant vagina. Karma!

Leonard Nimoy: Ohai Kirk.

Kirk: UHHHH

Leonard Nimoy: Here, have a mindmeld. It’s what the fans like.

Kirk: WHAT THE—

Leonard Nimoy: So I made this red matter to destroy the supernova but it consumed Romulus first. I went ahead and shot the red matter into the super nova and now Nero is crazy and thinks I did it on purpose. Then we got sucked into the black hole, and Boom! Here we are!

Kirk: WHY IS NERO SO ARBITRARY?

Then they find Scotty.

Leonard Nimoy: Scotty! Nice to see you…before?

Scotty: Capt’n we’re out o’ sandiches!

Kirk: I can’t understand him.

Scotty: SANDWICHES!

Leonard Nimoy: So, basically, push me until I tackle you, which is what happens when you make ‘yo mama’ jokes at me, then say I’m emotionally compromised. And don’t tell me you saw me.

Kirk: …you’re cheating.

Leonard Nimoy: …shut up.

Random Unnecessary Alien: Beep?


Meanwhile, on the Enterprise…

Kirk: HEY SPOCK YOUR MOM.

Spock: FFFFFF—

Kirk: Emotional compromise complete.

Spock: The lens flare is horrible. I’m going to go lie down now.

Uhura: Kirk please don’t screw this up.

Bones: Oh, we’re doomed.


DaddySpock: But, son, really, I loved your mother. I love you too son.

Spock: Thanks for finally helping me through my issues, Dad. After, you know, years of torment.

DaddySpock: …


Chekhov: Ve vill be invisible behind ze moon of Saturn!

Scotty: I cannae unnastan him!

Bones: …what.

Spock: Want I should go fetch Pike?

Kirk: I’m coming with you! GO TEAM SPIRK!

Spock: …I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Kirk: BUT THE FANS LOVE IT


FINAL ACT!

Kirk: Mr. Sulu, fire when ready. AND DON’T SAY IT.

Sulu: …

Kirk: So Uhura, you and…Spock…make out…?

Sulu: OHHHHH MMYYYY

Kirk: SULUUUUU!!!


ROMULANS!

Nero: DID YOU GUYS JUST BEAM ARBITRARILY ONTO MY SHIP ARBITRARILY? I’M THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO BE ARBITRARY AROUND HERE!


Meanwhile, Nero tries to open up the phantom zone black hole on Earth.

Ship: Ohai Spock.

Kirk: Well, that’s…odd. *cough cough*

Spock: KIIIIIIRRRRKKKK!


FIGHTING!

Kirk: Okay, Nero, look

Nero: Shaddup. *pimp slap*


Spock flies the Cool Ship, and Nero strangles Kirk.

Nero: YOUR DAD.

Kirk: AWW YOU DONE DID IT NOW


Meanwhile, the drill thing barely misses the Golden Gate Bridge.

Roland Emmerich: *cries*


Nero: SPOOOOOCCCCKKK

Kirk: KKHHHHAAAANNN

Nero: WRONG MOVIE! FEAR MY BOOTS AND TRENCH COAT.

Kirk: You know, your gun is in grabby range.

Nero: I KNEW I FORGOT SOMETHING

Spock: Ramming and lens flare!

Nero’s Actual Line: FIRE EVERYTHING!


It doesn’t work.


ENTERPRISE

Scotty: I BEAMED THREE PEOPLE AT ONCE!

Sulu: OOHHHHH

Kirk: SHUT UP SULU JUST SHUT UP

Sulu: mmmyyyyy


ARBITRARY OFFER OF MERCY!

Kirk: So we can be nice to you.

Nero: NNNNOOOO

Kirk: Okay, shoot them!


Then the creepy ship of death gets pulled into a black hole.

Nero: Well…this is gonna suck. LITERALLY! HAHAHAAH I hate my life.


Kirk: Let’s go Scotty!

Scotty: I’M GIVIN HER ALL SHE’S GOT!

Kirk: STOP IT SCOTTY


They escape thanks to the Lens Flare.


Back at the Academy, Kirk is officially captain of the Enterprise. And lo, the cadets rejoiced.

Kirk: Well I learned a good lesson today everyone. Never wear a red suit if you’re not an officer, friendship is made by punching each other, and always choose the women with green boobs.


TO BOLDLY RESTART A FRANCHISE!

Kirk: Let’s go everyone!

Spock: Mind if I join you?

Uhura: WOOHOO!

Sulu: OOOHHH—

Everyone: DON’T SAY IT SULU

Sulu: :-(

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Series Review: BBC's Sherlock

So I got to see the BBC series Sherlock. And I must say, I was impressed with how they updated the series, although I can’t agree with all their decisions. Here, Sherlock is shown to be a “functioning sociopath”, although his behavior seems to be more along the lines of Asperger’s the sociopathy. They seem to emphasize this aspect a great deal; however, I always got the impression that the Holmes from the book is more impatient with social mores than ignorant of them.

On the other hand, his character, for the most part, remains unchanged. He’s a show-off when it comes to his intellect, and clearly doesn’t care who it offends.

Watson remains most true to the book. Martin Freeman seems to have made a career of playing the confused everyman (Arthur Dent, Bilbo Baggins, John Watson), and to his credit he does it well. In this universe he keeps a blog of Sherlock’s cases, and this is also how they advertise (although Sherlock finds it annoying at first). Watson is his usual reliable self, although unlike many incarnations he’s closer to the original-he’ll happily berate Holmes if he has to.

Mycroft was a surprise. This is partly because they chose an actor who looks more like the description of Moriarty. And you just know they did that on purpose. Curiously, they have chosen to have the brothers in an ongoing feud, though I hardly know why.

Moriarty…oh dear Lord, what did they do to the master criminal? Moriarty is not at all his smooth, calm, calculating self. Here he is a manic, slightly squeaky (no, really, I can’t stand his voice) little twerp who appears to have some sort of crazed boy-crush on Holmes.

This does not seem anything like the man who, “When he put his hand on my shoulder as we were parting, it was like a father's blessing before you go out into the cold, cruel world."


Anyways, if you discount the not!Moriarty, the series itself is pretty good, and in keeping with the spirit of the books. The storylines all run at about an hour and a half, so they’re more like short movies than episodes. But they’ll definitely keep your attention.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Movin' to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches

I decided to do a bit of research on figuring out if peaches are ripe or not, since last time I had a lot of unripened peaches that just sat there in the fridge, looking incredibly sad. So, I used Google. This was the result.


Because somewhere, out there, is someone that genuinely wouldn't know you have to walk over to the peaches to figure out if they're ripe or not.

Monday, September 9, 2013

100 Themes Challenge-Heaven

     Here is heaven. Here, the lights of the city glow only dimly from behind the forested mountains. Here, you can still hear whippoorwills calling through the trees. Owls wheel and dive on their journeys. Lightning bugs blink like a thousand stars in the fields. The smell in the air is of dirt and grass and the creek.
     Coyotes yammer in the valley, while far, far up on the ridge a bobcat lets out a yowl. The dogs respond to all this; their barking and howling is a nightly symphony that bothers no one. Down at the creek, a raccoon ambles along, clever paws clinging to the uneven rocks. Possums sneak up to the houses, stealing away a bite or two of food left out for the cats.
     The cats themselves tread lightly along, eyes a-glow in the dark. During the day, they lie around on the porch, sunning themselves, partaking of the food that is their due. But at night, they are primitive once more, hunters like the others. Rabbits scatter before them, and deer eye them curiously before loping away.

     Wind moves through the trees, the rustling a chorus, the windchimes on the houses a counterpoint. But night is done soon. Slowly, while other places already bask in the light, the sun peeks over the tops of the mountains, letting a single ray of light shine down. The coyotes retreat to the dark places; deer finish their meals and slip back into the forest. The owls and whippoorwills go silent, preparing for rest, and the fireflies cease their light show. The cats return to their houses, to lie on the porches with looks of innocence, waiting for their pets to rise and prepare for another morning in the country.

A/N: Written while listening to Appalachian Spring by Aaron Copland.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Book Review-Something Red by Douglas Nicholas

     Your average fantasy novel does not give a particularly accurate view of the Middle Ages. Generally speaking, it is an amalgamation of several different eras, ranging from the early medieval times all the way  into the 1600s. The problems of “ye olden times” are generally glossed over as well. Not so in Something Red.
     Something Red is an atmospheric and poetic horror fantasy that combines certain folk beliefs of England and Ireland with an accurate and beautiful picture of medieval times. Hob, a young boy on the cusp of manhood, is taken in by a group of traveling performers after his former priest-guardian becomes too old to properly care for him. Molly, head of the troupe, is a dignified Irishwoman with strange healing powers. With her is her lover, Jack, a large, silent man, and her granddaughter, Nemain. As they travel through the harsh north winter of England, they find themselves stalked by a malevolent presence. A remote monastery, a cheery inn, and a fortified castle cannot protect them. It becomes apparent that they must fight it themselves.
     The characters of this book are so strongly realized that it is not hard to lose yourself in this book. Hob makes for a very realistic boy, sometimes dense, sometimes clever, often mystified by the adults around him. Molly is a strong, motherly woman, very likable in her ability to be dignified at one moment, and then quaffing ale and throwing knives in the next. Nemain mystifies Hob, for reasons the reader guesses long before Hob himself does, and Jack’s mysterious past with the Crusades haunts his every action. Then you have the monks, offering hospitality to all but trained to defend themselves, quietly turning their heads whenever Molly’s healing abilities go beyond the norm. The blithe innkeeper, clearly smitten with the still-beautiful Molly, and his saucy daughter that catches Hob’s eye. You have the people of the castle, simultaneously noble yet voluble, a mixture of good and bad.
     The world is also laid out with such loving detail that you can’t help but feel yourself to be there. The Middle Ages are displayed here in their beauty and their horror. We see through Hob’s eyes, and through his eyes, some clean hay, a warm fire, and unlimited ale are luxuries. Resting after a day of tugging on the ox is bliss to him.
     Reviews have described it as “tense” and “nonstop action”, but that is not true at all. Most of it is fairly mundane. The problem of the evil presence haunts the characters, yet for the most part the story takes its time, lazing through this time past as we meet the various characters and get to know our protagonist and his family better. It is only when things come to a head that the plot goes crazy, and it is that which makes the climax so effective. The falling action gives a beautiful view of the future and a sense of the legendary.

     This is a wonderful novel, something that draws you in and never lets you go. The subtleness makes it a strangely comfortable read.