Monday, February 10, 2014

Parody 5: S1, E9: Dumbwalker


KOSH HAS A PLAN

Talia: Ohai Kosh.

Kosh: I have important things for you to help me with. It’s all set up. See you at the hour of scampering.

Talia: …what.


DOCKING

Some alien chick arrives from Minbar wearing an epic cloak. This is apparently too much for Na’Toth’s tender sensibilities.

Na’Toth: OMGWTFDEATHWALKER? *tackleslamfacepunch*

Everyone Else: Lolwut


BACKSTORY!

Na’Toth: You see, Death Walker is Mengele ON CRACK. Because she killed my grandfather via her crazy mind machines, I must now kill her.

Sinclair: But Death Walker would be old. Unless there’s some important plot reason for it…


THE TROLLING BEGINS

Talia: Well, looks like everything is ready. But I don’t understand.

Kosh: Well that’s a three edged sword.

Talia: Umm…

A guy dressed like a pimp walks up.

Abbut: Kosh! You brought a date!

Talia: I’M JUST THE TELEPATH HERE.

Abbut: I’m a P-rating 23. It’s legit, right?

Kosh: Scan Abbut.

Abbut: Ooh, it TINGLES. Telepathic dragonfish!

Kosh: Yertle the fly.

Talia: WHAT.


DILGAR IS REALLY QUITE TASTY ONCE YOU GET USED TO IT

G’Kar: That was pretty awesome Na’Toth. But Counselor Ha’Rok was going to bargain with Jha’Dur about one of her discoveries.

Na’Toth: Can I eat her flesh?

G’Kar: The Kari wants her alive.

Na’Toth: I’ll eat her flesh LATER.

G’Kar: That’s disgusting. Save some for me.


CATCH? WHAT CATCH?

Jha’Dur: So the Wind Swords let me hang with them. They said you have a hole in your mind.

Sinclair: So I heard. Shouldn’t you be old?

Jha’Dur: I found a way to prolong life! An Arcanum!

Pendergast: CURSES.

Jha’Dur: We can give it to everyone by the end of the year! It’ll be awesome!


THE TROLLING CONTINUES

Kosh: Quid thirty one.

Abbut: Table house.

Kosh: Well, that’s it. See you at the hour of longing.

Talia: I’m so confused!

Kosh: Listen to the music, not to the song.

Talia: BUT I DON’T LIKE MICHAEL BOLTON!

Then Abbut pokes at Talia’s mind and she has a flashbackmirrorspaz.

Talia: I need to lie down.

Abbut: I need a pastrami sandwich!


BABYLON 5 HAS AN ETHICS DEBATE

Garibaldi: She’s a bad person, and she should feel bad! (And also be shot out an airlock.)

Franklin: But they need her to help them with the immortality serum.

Garibaldi: And what happens if the League finds out?


G’KAR PARTAKES IN A GILLIGAN CUT

G’Kar: Sinclair’s going to smuggle Jha’Dur off the station! I’d better make sure the League finds out.


IMPROMPTU NUREMBURG TRIAL!

Kalika: She needs to die a really bad death!

Sinclair: I have to obey orders.

Kalika: You’ll have to go through us.

Sinclair: Okay guys, let’s go back. We’ll have a meeting.

Jha’Dur: Lol pathetic.

Sinclair: Sunshine, I don’t want to be tried for murder any more than you do.


TROLLING FOR DAYS

Talia: You don’t even need a telepath!

Kosh: But it’s fun!

Abbut: Don’t you want more flashbacks?


WE FOUND A WITCH MAY WE BURN HER

Garibaldi: Where’s Kosh?

Sinclair: Trolling. Anyways, onto the trial! Make your speech, Kalika.

Kalika: The Dilgar were Space Nazis! Really bad Space Nazis!

Londo: Well the Dilgar didn’t mess with us SUPER AWESOME CENTAURI, so I say we let Jha’Dur skip along on her way.

G’Kar: We vote yes! But the trial has to be held on Narn, just ‘cause.

Kalika: That’s just stupid G’Kar.

G’Kar: Nope.

Sinclair: Kosh has no opinion, as usual, because he is far too busy trolling to care. I vote yes. Lennier?

Lennier: Err…we, ah, vote no.

League: WHAT.

Kalika: SCREW YOU GUYS, I’M GOING HOME.

Sinclair: Well, that went well. So, the Wind Swords totally hid Jha’Dur then?

Lennier: Does South America talk about their Nazis?

Sinclair: Not since that twins debacle.


TROLLING FOREVER

Kosh and Abbut continue holding the silliest conversation ever.

Then Talia gets a flashback.

Talia: Hey, creepy guy in the shadows!

Creepy Guy: Lol hi! I’m going to smash this bottle and try to stab you.

Talia: DO NOT WANT.

Kosh: We’re done here.

Talia: WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN.

Abbut proceeds to open up his head.

Abbut: TTYL! Here, have this data crystal from my head.

Talia: He’s the Borg? What was on the data crystal?

Kosh: A trapdoor.


THIS WON’T END BADLY AT ALL

Sinclair: I think the League should have their scientists help her and as soon as the serum is ready we can put her on trial.

Kalika: And shoot her out an airlock?

Sinclair: And shoot her out an airlock.


HAVE WE MENTIONED JHA’DUR IS A NAZI

Sinclair: It’s going to be fun when you’re put on trial.

Jha’Dur: You’re so silly. See, the main ingredient for the serum has to be taken from another person. So you’ll kill each other to live forever! It’ll be hilarious.

Pendergast: *FACEPALM*


C&C

Everyone is watching as Jha’Dur’s ship flies away, and Kosh wanders in for no apparent reason.

Jha’Dur: Oh lololol I totally trolled them lololololololo—

Vorlon Ship: *zappunchbitchkill*

Me: YEAHHHHH!!!!! *fistpump*

Everyone else: OMGWTFIMMORTALITY?

Kosh: Moral of the story: No immortality for you. Kthxbai.


COMPLAINING

Talia: I’m having an issue with Kosh.

Garibaldi: So are we.

Talia: I had to mediate some deal between Kosh and some Borg named Abbut, but all they did was troll me.

Sinclair: I think the Vorlons are scared of telepaths.

Vorlons: You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you?

Garibaldi: Kosh has done a lot this episode, hasn’t he? I bet it’s plot relevant.

Sinclair: WHY IS EVERYTHING PLOT RELEVANT?



A/N: BUT SERIOUSLY EVERYONE GO READ CABINET OF CURIOSITIES.

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