Sunday, February 2, 2014

Shipping wars, extermination break out in Denver

     In a shocking update to the previous report, shipping wars have now begun in Denver, Colorado.

     Hordes of Romionites took to the streets, proclaiming J.K. Rowling as the Dark Lady, and insisting that a resistance must be developed against the blasphemy. Harmonians threw slurpies from the roof tops and promised to "taunt them a second time". The fight was joined by enraged Broncos fans, who began setting things on fire, before remembering that setting things on fire pretty much solved no problems at all.

     In the midst of all this chaos, the army of salt shakers that had previously murdered Punxsutawney Phil descended upon the hapless city. Their single-minded advance on the Broncos stadium left the other fighters bewildered, exterminated, and occasionally making "squee" noises, similar to the people following the salt shakers and insisting "they're really kind of adorable".

     The salt shakers made short work of the Broncos stadium, leaving it in ruins. They appeared to then turn on the city, but the combination of the raging shippers (and falling slurpies), the Broncos fans still setting things on fire despite knowing it was a bad idea, and the sudden appearance of a blue box, from which a strange man ran out shouting things and waving a screw driver, caused the salt shakers to flee into a portal, to the dismay of the fans.

     Word has it that the shipping wars have thus far died down, mainly because they've been taken to the Internet instead.

     Insurance claims have been made for numerous objects, including transforming vehicles that were extremely angry to have been set on fire.

     The blue box disappeared after too many fans clung to it asking if "they could come too".

     Let these strange, bizarre events be a lesson to the next Super Bowl teams. Losing a game can mean the end of reality as we know it.

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