Sunday, March 16, 2014

Parody 5: S1, E12: By Any Paper Rustling Necessary

C&C

Ivanova has to juggle a dozen ships at once. A Narn complains, because they have special stuff for G’Kar. This “special stuff” is not explained, which probably raises more than a few eyebrows.

Meanwhile, in the docking bay…

Delvientos: The doors won’t open and there’s another ship!

Narn: I think I’ll start my engines inside! It’s legit.

Delvientos: There’s a fire! And people are going to die! THEY’RE GOING TO DIE A LOT!

Ivanova: I hate my life.

Delvientos’ brother Alberto, who is only here to give Delvientos extra angst, naturally dies.


SO MUCH

Connally the Union Lady: ONE OF OUR GUYS DIED.

Sinclair: I’m not trying to blame people.

G’Kar: I am!

Garibaldi: WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MUCH CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT?

Commlink: Hidoshi wants to discuss the new lower budget that will totally not cause Union problems!

Sinclair: *headdesk*


BLACKMAIL!

Londo: Looking for your G’Quan Eth flower? After it got blown up with your ship right?

G’Kar: SHUT UP LONDO JUST SHUT UP

Na’Toth: I found out there’s one person here who has a flower. Londo.

G’Kar: WHAT.

Londo: LAWLZ.

G’Kar: WHY UNIVERSE HATE G’KAR?


C&C

Hidoshi: Sorry no bigger budget.

Sinclair: Dude, someone DIED.

Hidoshi: The experts say you should be fine.

Sinclair: The experts can go—

Hidoshi: Yes?

Sinclair: NOTHING.

Ivanova: We have a problem. Again. The dockworkers have developed Blue Flu.


DOCKING BAY

Garibaldi: Hi. Sinclair wants to talk.

Connally: Oh, he’s just a military guy. It’s not like he’s had to go through anything bad, such as being tortured or watching all his comrades die horribly. He’s not like us.

Garibaldi: Wait, are we supposed to sympathize with you? Let me check my script.

Connally: >:-(


NEGOTIATIONS! PART 1

Sinclair: Look, they have to go back to work or the Senate will invoke…the Rush Act.
*paper rustle*

Connally: We can’t return to work because people might die, and also I have Daddy Issues.

Sinclair: Not again!


MOAR BLACKMAIL!

G’Kar: Hi Londo, where did you hide the flower? Which I was totally just guarding and nothing more.

Londo: Yeah and you need that flower for your G’Quan Christmas, right?

G’Kar: Yeah. Yeah. So, I’ll buy it, right?

Londo: Nah. I’m saving it. See, mixing the seeds with alcohol makes it LSD! But since we’re just such good friends you can totally give me fifty thousand.

G’Kar: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU—


ZOCALO

Zento: I’m so smarmy, am I not?

Sinclair: Yes, yes you are.

Zento: Now, I’ll need to meet with Connally and talk to Garibaldi in case I have to invoke…THE RUSH ACT.
*paper rustle*


TROLLING!

G’Kar: I have the money.

Londo: That’s nice. But I’m not selling any more TROLLOLOL.


G’KAR HAS A PLAN

G’Kar: DESTROY THINGS!

Na’Toth: I was drinking that.

G’Kar: …you’re not big on this festival, right?

Na’Toth: I’m an agnostic Episcopalian.

G’Kar: What.

Na’Toth: Anything else you can do?

G’Kar: I have a Plan A for me, and Plan B for you.

Na’Toth: SWEET.


DOCKING BAY

Zento: The experts think you’ll be fine.

Delvientos: And did any of them actually do this job?

Zento: I’ll invoke THE RUSH ACT.
*paper rustle*

Sinclair: Look, why don’t we go take a nap and have cookies.


I GOT 99 PROBLEMS BUT A STRIKE AIN’T ONE

Zento: The workers are striking!

G’Kar: Sinclair, Londo won’t give me my magic flower!

Sinclair: Zento, just don’t…talk anymore. G’Kar…I’ll go figure something out.


FABULOUS!

Sinclair: Just give him the damn flower already.

Londo: I’m too busy wearing a pink robe to give him the flower!


NEGOTIATIONS 2

Sinclair: Can’t we just freaking get along? Look, I’ve gone over the budget and…

Zento: Never.

Connally: Never.

Zento: RUSH ACT. NAO.
*paper rustle*

Connally: Well, this is going to suck.

Sinclair: Oh yeah.


IVANOVA IS SCARY

Ivanova: Look, I know you’ve been waiting forever but…

80’s Hair: I’m back to annoy you! What’s with the Rush Act?

Londo: G’Kar stole the statue of my god.

G’Kar: Nope.

80’s Hair: How about this can you talk about this?

Sinclair: GTFO MY BRIDGE NOW.

Ivanova: I’M COUNTING TO TEN.

Londo, G’Kar, 80’s Hair: *flees*

Sinclair: Ivanova, I want to see the Senate order. I have some holes to loop.


THE UNION IS ALWAYS RIGHT

Garibaldi: Delvientos punched me.

Connally: Lol so?

Garibaldi: Are you asking me to disobey a Senate order? WHY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SYMPATHIZE WITH YOU?

Zento: What’s going on?

Sinclair: I WANT YOU BOTH IN THE DOCKING BAY OR I AM GOING TO LOSE IT!


LOOP ALL THE HOLES!

Sinclair: So we can use any means necessary to end the strike? That’s THE RUSH ACT?
*paper rustle*

Sinclair: Stop rustling those damn papers already!

Rush Limbaugh: NEVARRR.

Zento: Yes, you can use any means necessary.

Sinclair: Fine. Some of our military budget goes to the dock workers. And amnesty for you guys.

Zento: WHAT.

Workers: YAY SINCLAIR! BOO SMARMY PANTS!

Delvientos: Back to work, guys!

Sinclair: Can you feel the love in this room?

Zento: I WANTED A FIGHT DAMMIT.

Sinclair: GTFO.

Commlink: G’Kar and Londo are fighting again.

Sinclair: …dammit.


EVEN MOAR BLACKMAIL

Sinclair: Look, G’Kar, return Londo’s freaky “tentacled” idol. Oh, by the way Londo I found out you’re basically using hallucinogens. It has to be used only for medical and religious purposes. You have to turn it over to me.

Londo: FINE.

G’Kar: It’s too late for the ceremony.

Sinclair: But wouldn’t the time on your planet be different here? So the sunlight that hit the mountain ten years ago would get here tomorrow. So you can totally still do the ceremony!

G’Kar: You’re good at these loopholes, aren’t you?


Sanctuaaaaary

G’Kar does his ceremony with the special flower, and somehow has turned the room red. Clearly it’s Narn magic.



A/N: I've noticed that whenever Rush Limbaugh gets really worked up over something, he rustles the papers on his desk. I don't know what exactly this does, but it's apparently super-important.

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