Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Parody 5: S1, E13: Signs and Foreshadowing

ALL COMPUTERS ARE TROLLS

Computer: It’s 4:30! Isn’t that great!

Ivanova: SHUT UP.


PLOTPOINT

Guard: I need your ID.

Morden the Smarmy Salesman: It’s old, I was on…THE RIM.
*JARRING CHORD*

Guard: You didn’t notice any spidery things, did you?

Morden: NOPE NOT AT ALL.


ANOTHER PLOTPOINT

Mr. Reno: I brought the plotpoint.

Londo: Oh good. Look at this beautiful Eye! It belonged to the first emperor.

Reno: It’s ugly.

Londo: Screw you. How’d you get this?

Reno: A wizard did it.

Morden: *creeps on them all*


SYMBOLISM REGARDING HUMANS DEALING WITH EVERYONE’S IDIOCY

Londo: You don’t have to push that button.

G’Kar: So.

Londo: Sucks to be your people who are starving.

G’Kar: It’s your fault.

Guy in Middle: …

Londo: Oh, you can decrease the surplus population!

G’Kar: I’ll surplus your population!

Guy In Middle: HATE DICKENS G2G BAI GUYZ. *flees onto elevator*

Londo: …

G’Kar: …

Londo: …”Surplus your population”?

G’Kar: I was under pressure, okay?


BONE BAG

G’Kar: Wait, who let you show up?

Morden: T’Pain of the First Circle. It’s cause you’re so special. So…what do you want?

G’Kar: What.

Morden: No, really.

G’Kar: Well, I would like to annihilate the Centauri. And I’d like their bones. In a bone bag, actually.

Morden: Just the bone bag?

G’Kar: Just the bone bag.

Morden: Whatever G’Kar. Bone bags are too mainstream.

G’Kar: …what just happened?


Meanwhile, in the Zocalo, Londo meets an important Centauri lady who starts chanting about fire and death and passes out. This is a fairly normal occurrence on Babylon 5.


FORESHADOWING GEDDIT GEDDIT

Ladira: I’m okay, just freaked out a bit. I need to lie down. *brbcryingforever*

Kiro: Don’t worry about it. She keeps saying I’m going to be killed by Shadows! Lol!

Londo: Lol!

Kiro: So let’s see that, uh, plotpoint. I just want to look at it and nothing else whatsoever.

They leave, only to be stalked by a Raider.

Raider: Bluebird One to Little Chief, the fish are out of water!


DON’T MESS WITH SPACE ELVES

Delenn is building a crystal house of cards thing that does Minbari Magic, and Morden is being smarmy again.

Delenn: So you’re asking everyone “what do you want”? That’s vaguely creepy, actually.

A triangle then begins glowing on her head, Morden gets covered in shadow, and it’s all so, so metaphorical.

Morden: Uh…is there a prob—

Delenn: GTFO CREEPERS.

Morden: k


ZOCALO

Raider: Blue Bird One to Little Chief, the eagle has flown! I repeat, the eagle has flown!

Radio: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Raider: Ivanova left to find the others.

Radio: Well thank God!

Meanwhile, Kosh’s ship arrives, and he goes down the hall.

Morden: KOSH WE’RE INSIDE YOUR HOUSE.

Kosh: Must…ignore…spiders…


THIS GOES ON…

Morden: Ohai Londo. We had an appointment.

Londo: What do you want?

Morden: What do you want?

Londo: …This is silly.

Morden: …it’s a job. I get paid in hair gel.

Londo: Fine, I want Centauri Prime to be great again! And we’ll be awesome FOREVER.

Morden: That is so new and inventive! You tell those sell-outs!



RAIDING PARTY!

Raiders: Reach for the skies! And give me that ugly Eye!

The Raider promptly takes the Eye. And takes Londo, Kiro, and Ladira hostage.

Raider: Blue Bird One to Little Chief, the package is secure. I repeat—

Radio: WOULD YOU STOP THAT?


C&C

Sinclair: Hey, Ivanova, what’s going on?

Ivanova: I’m chasing the Raiders. We’re going to beat them up.

Sinclair: Get back here! Anyways, Corwin, what ships are here?

Corwin: Some rich Centauri people are here. Their ship is in Bay 12.

Sinclair: To Bay 12!


BAY 12

Sinclair: Londo, there are Raiders.

Raider: BOTHER ME AND I KEEL LORD KIRO. We’re leaving!

Sinclair: Go on, then. Garibaldi, kill the engines on that ship. Don’t worry we’ll keep them from getting through.

Ladira: But the Shadows…!


C&C

Sinclair: Okay Garibaldi. Shoot at them.

Corwin: Dude, someone’s coming in Sector 3.

Sinclair: Huh. A giant Raider ship. That explains our secondary plotpoint well.

The Raiders get ready to attack a freaking space station, which is pretty ballsy if you ask me, and Garibaldi continues to go after the Raider and his BFF Kiro.


SQUID VS. SPIDER WOULD MAKE A GOOD B-MOVIE

Morden: Do they have to shake the whole station…? Ohai Kosh.

Kosh: GTFO SPIDERS. Oh, and you too Eighties McSmarmpants.

Morden: D-:<

Meanwhile, in space, the Centauri ship lands on the Giant Raider Ship and flees into the night.


SUM UP ALL THE STUPID

Garibaldi: Nothing big happened, although somehow Kosh’s encounter suit got damaged.

Kosh: DAMN SPIDERS.

Garibaldi: But the Raiders don’t have their little fighters now. So maybe they’ll go away forever.

Sinclair: So, Ladira. Why were the Raiders after you?

Ladira: Excuse me, I’m going to read your coffee grounds.

Sinclair: …great.


WELL THIS IS GOING TO SUCK

Kiro: That was brilliant!

Raider: Put him in the brig lol. We can’t overthrow the Centauri government. Idiot. So now we can ransom you and the Eye! It’ll be great.

Kiro: I…adda…wibba…

Suddenly a Giant Spider Alarm goes off.

Shadows: LOLHI.

*blows up ship*

Sinclair’s Pad

Ladira: *spazfaintcoffeedrop*


STRANGER DANGER

Morden: Ohai Londo. I have a present from your new bros. Kthxbai.

Londo: Whatever. It’s probably some shirt that says “I Survived Giant Spiders”.

He opens the box, and finds…

Londo: The Eye! Hey, Salesman, get back here! WE HAVE TO GET DRUNK TOGETHER! WE’RE BROS FOR LIFE!

Morden’s Disembodied Cheesy Voice: We’ll find you when we want to get drunk.


WELL THAT’S NOT CREEPY AT ALL

Ladira: Sinclair, I had a vision that this place was destroyed. Would you like to see it?

Sinclair: Uh…

Ladira telepathizes or something, and we see a ship leaving just as the station explodes.

Sinclair: Is this what will be, or what might be?

Ladira: The Mirror shows only those things that have not yet come to pass.

Sinclair: …SOMEONE FIND ME THE SCRIPT.

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