ALL COMPUTERS ARE TROLLS
Computer: It’s 4:30! Isn’t that great!
Ivanova: SHUT UP.
Guard: I need your ID.
Morden the Smarmy Salesman: It’s old, I was on…THE RIM.
Guard: You didn’t notice any spidery things, did you?
Morden: NOPE NOT AT ALL.
Mr. Reno: I brought the plotpoint.
Londo: Oh good. Look at this beautiful Eye! It belonged to the first emperor.
Reno: It’s ugly.
Londo: Screw you. How’d you get this?
Reno: A wizard did it.
Morden: *creeps on them all*
SYMBOLISM REGARDING HUMANS DEALING WITH EVERYONE’S IDIOCY
Londo: You don’t have to push that button.
Londo: Sucks to be your people who are starving.
G’Kar: It’s your fault.
Guy in Middle: …
Londo: Oh, you can decrease the surplus population!
G’Kar: I’ll surplus your population!
Guy In Middle: HATE DICKENS G2G BAI GUYZ. *flees onto elevator*
Londo: …”Surplus your population”?
G’Kar: I was under pressure, okay?
G’Kar: Wait, who let you show up?
Morden: T’Pain of the First Circle. It’s cause you’re so special. So…what do you want?
Morden: No, really.
G’Kar: Well, I would like to annihilate the Centauri. And I’d like their bones. In a bone bag, actually.
Morden: Just the bone bag?
Morden: Just the bone bag?
G’Kar: Just the bone bag.
Morden: Whatever G’Kar. Bone bags are too mainstream.
G’Kar: …what just happened?
Meanwhile, in the Zocalo, Londo meets an important Centauri lady who starts chanting about fire and death and passes out. This is a fairly normal occurrence on Babylon 5.
FORESHADOWING GEDDIT GEDDIT
Ladira: I’m okay, just freaked out a bit. I need to lie down. *brbcryingforever*
Kiro: Don’t worry about it. She keeps saying I’m going to be killed by Shadows! Lol!
Kiro: So let’s see that, uh, plotpoint. I just want to look at it and nothing else whatsoever.
They leave, only to be stalked by a Raider.
Raider: Bluebird One to Little Chief, the fish are out of water!
DON’T MESS WITH SPACE ELVES
Delenn is building a crystal house of cards thing that does Minbari Magic, and Morden is being smarmy again.
Delenn: So you’re asking everyone “what do you want”? That’s vaguely creepy, actually.
A triangle then begins glowing on her head, Morden gets covered in shadow, and it’s all so, so metaphorical.
Morden: Uh…is there a prob—
Delenn: GTFO CREEPERS.
Raider: Blue Bird One to Little Chief, the eagle has flown! I repeat, the eagle has flown!
Radio: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Raider: Ivanova left to find the others.
Radio: Well thank God!
Meanwhile, Kosh’s ship arrives, and he goes down the hall.
Morden: KOSH WE’RE INSIDE YOUR HOUSE.
THIS GOES ON…
Morden: Ohai Londo. We had an appointment.
Londo: What do you want?
Morden: What do you want?
Londo: …This is silly.
Morden: …it’s a job. I get paid in hair gel.
Londo: Fine, I want Centauri Prime to be great again! And we’ll be awesome FOREVER.
Morden: That is so new and inventive! You tell those sell-outs!
Raiders: Reach for the skies! And give me that ugly Eye!
The Raider promptly takes the Eye. And takes Londo, Kiro, and Ladira hostage.
Raider: Blue Bird One to Little Chief, the package is secure. I repeat—
Radio: WOULD YOU STOP THAT?
Sinclair: Hey, Ivanova, what’s going on?
Ivanova: I’m chasing the Raiders. We’re going to beat them up.
Sinclair: Get back here! Anyways, Corwin, what ships are here?
Corwin: Some rich Centauri people are here. Their ship is in Bay 12.
Sinclair: To Bay 12!
Sinclair: Londo, there are Raiders.
Raider: BOTHER ME AND I KEEL LORD KIRO. We’re leaving!
Sinclair: Go on, then. Garibaldi, kill the engines on that ship. Don’t worry we’ll keep them from getting through.
Ladira: But the Shadows…!
Sinclair: Okay Garibaldi. Shoot at them.
Corwin: Dude, someone’s coming in Sector 3.
Sinclair: Huh. A giant Raider ship. That explains our secondary plotpoint well.
The Raiders get ready to attack a freaking space station, which is pretty ballsy if you ask me, and Garibaldi continues to go after the Raider and his BFF Kiro.
SQUID VS. SPIDER WOULD MAKE A GOOD B-MOVIE
Morden: Do they have to shake the whole station…? Ohai Kosh.
Kosh: GTFO SPIDERS. Oh, and you too Eighties McSmarmpants.
Meanwhile, in space, the Centauri ship lands on the Giant Raider Ship and flees into the night.
SUM UP ALL THE STUPID
Garibaldi: Nothing big happened, although somehow Kosh’s encounter suit got damaged.
Kosh: DAMN SPIDERS.
Garibaldi: But the Raiders don’t have their little fighters now. So maybe they’ll go away forever.
Sinclair: So, Ladira. Why were the Raiders after you?
Ladira: Excuse me, I’m going to read your coffee grounds.
WELL THIS IS GOING TO SUCK
Kiro: That was brilliant!
Raider: Put him in the brig lol. We can’t overthrow the Centauri government. Idiot. So now we can ransom you and the Eye! It’ll be great.
Suddenly a Giant Spider Alarm goes off.
*blows up ship*
Morden: Ohai Londo. I have a present from your new bros. Kthxbai.
Londo: Whatever. It’s probably some shirt that says “I Survived Giant Spiders”.
He opens the box, and finds…
Londo: The Eye! Hey, Salesman, get back here! WE HAVE TO GET DRUNK TOGETHER! WE’RE BROS FOR LIFE!
Morden’s Disembodied Cheesy Voice: We’ll find you when we want to get drunk.
WELL THAT’S NOT CREEPY AT ALL
Ladira: Sinclair, I had a vision that this place was destroyed. Would you like to see it?
Ladira telepathizes or something, and we see a ship leaving just as the station explodes.
Sinclair: Is this what will be, or what might be?
Ladira: The Mirror shows only those things that have not yet come to pass.
Sinclair: …SOMEONE FIND ME THE SCRIPT.