Friday, April 4, 2014

Parody 5: S1, E14: Rocky In Space

Some Jewish guy arrives, and says goodbye to Mr. Smith, who is not an agent but in fact a guy with an interesting calling. Whatever that means.

Meanwhile, Garibaldi sees sketchy things happening.

Garibaldi: Huh, a stolen slap bracelet.

Bad Guy: *tries to stab him*

Mr. Smith: No stabby my friend.

Garibaldi: Walker Smith! Tell me your life story!

Walker: See, I was told to throw a fight because some people had bets riding on it.

Garibaldi: …you didn’t like try to hide in a pawn shop or anything did you?

Walker: PAWN SHOP WHAT PAWN SHOP I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT THAT NEVER HAPPENED.

Garibaldi: And why are you here?

Walker: I’m going to fight in the Mutai.

Garibaldi: The terrible no holds barred beatdown fight of doom?

Walker: IT’S BETTER THAN WHAT NEVER HAPPENED IN THE PAWN SHOP.


PLOTPOINT PAYOFF

Koslov: Hi, I’m friends with Susan. I came here about the death of her father.

Sinclair: Wait, what?

Koslov: Uh…yeah. He died. Anyways, we have a mourning ceremony that she really needs to go through, otherwise her neuroses are just going to get worse.

Sinclair: She’ll have however much time she needs. We can’t have her any more neurotic.


THAT COULD HAVE GONE BETTER

Koslov: Your dad would’ve liked this place.

Ivanova: That’s not what he told me.

Koslov: Your dad just worried about you. Anyways, I talked to Sinclair…

Ivanova: Y U TALK TO SINCLAIR!!!

*flees*

Koslov: …what.


HALLWAY

Caliban: Hello, Walker Smith. I am your Mr. Miyagi.

Walker: AWESOME!


MUTAI

Aliens continue beating the crap out of each other.

Walker: I could have taken that guy.

Drazi: Fried tree worm?

Walker: …thanks?

Muta Dor: Here, we have this Drazi guy, and also the champ, who is named Gyor, which sounds much more intimidating than the Drazi name.

Drazi Fighter: D-:<

They fight again, and it’s basically MMA on CRACK. FYI Gyor wins again, because he’s the champ and he can’t lose until the end.

Muta Dor: Who wants to challenge him?

Walker: I’ll do it.

Garibaldi: WHAT.

Gyor: D’AWW HE’S SO CUTE.

Alien Guy: Y HUMANS TAKE ALL OUR CUSTOMS? You’re going to dishonor it!

Walker: More than the Centauri with the afro back there?

Centauri: D-:<


ACTUALLY IT’S A RUSSIAN TEA KETTLE

Koslov: Ohai Susan. No, don’t worry about it, here, this is your inheritance.

Ivanova: The samovar!

Non-Jewish Audience: Wait…the what?

Koslov: Anyways, I’m outta here in the morning. No mourning then?

Ivanova: I HAVE TOO MANY DADDY ISSUES!


TRAINING MONTAGE #1

Walker: This is Caliban, who is the Mr. Miyagi of the piece.

Garibaldi: Caliban…? So why are you doing this?

Caliban: Fighting Gyor was my last fight.

Garibaldi: So you’re going to get Walker killed because you lost a fight?

Caliban: Let’s start. Wax on, wax off, Walker.


FLASHBACKS ARE USEFUL

Koslov: Well, have a nice life.

Ivanova: Yeah.

Koslov: …

Ivanova: …

Andrei Flashback: I’m so proud of your epicness.

Ivanova: CHANGED MY MIND LET’S DO THE MOURNING.


SOMEHOW THIS IS A BIG THING THAT WAS NEVER MENTIONED BEFORE

ISN: Walker Smith is going to be epic.

Garibaldi: And there’s no possible way I can convince you not to do this?

Walker: Nope. Gonna be fun. Now excuse me, I have to go listen to the Rocky soundtrack.

Not Shown: Montage in which Caliban and Walker run around Babylon 5 in sweatsuits.


HOW MONTAGES USUALLY END

Garibaldi: PLEASE WALKER DON’T DIE.

Caliban: Let’s put our hands together. That’s what happens in these sorts of things, right?

Walker: Damn straight.

Caliban: Don’t forget wax on wax off.


ANGRY RUSSIANS ARE SCARY

Ivanova: So Dad let me go to this reading for a book I like, I asked a question and the author told me I was an idiot. Then Dad told him his commie writing sucked and I was more awesome. Also he threatened to horsewhip him. Dad threatened people a lot, actually…


HADOKEN!

So it starts out with Walker getting crap kicked out of him, while Garibaldi shouts instructions from the sidelines.

Garibaldi: Left! Right! No other right! Inside! Outside! Right in the kisser! Ouch, wrong kisser…

Caliban looks excited, then Walker manages to KNOCK GYOR DOWN.

Garibaldi: Kick! Kick! Punch! No kick!

Alien: I draw a tranq sketchily.

Caliban: It’s a trap!

Garibaldi: *punch* That’s right, the third left!

Gyor: Owww….


SADNESS

Ivanova thanks everyone for hanging with her and says the mourning prayer, which is what makes her lose it completely. It’s definitely a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming.


MU-TIE! GEDDIT GEDDIT

So Walker and Gyor continue kicking the crap out of each other, and Garibaldi continues to commentate from the sidelines, and Caliban bounces around, and people start calling Walker “The Great Heart”. Muta Dor btw doesn’t look entirely happy. Eventually they both hit the ground.

Muta Dor: Well, that was interesting.

Gyor: Everyone, shout Walker’s name, because he’s awesome!

Walker: Yo Garibaldi! I did it!

Garibaldi: I’m right here next to you.

Walker: …oh.


ALL OF THE BOARDING SCENES

Koslov: See you kids later.

Ivanova: Time for duty.

Sinclair: And less Daddy Issues. And no more double shifts.

Ivanova: Like the ones you make me take whenever Catherine comes around.

Walker: See ya Garibaldi.

Muta Dor: That was pretty epic, Walker. Have fun.

Caliban: I’ll be there if you ever wanna fight here again.

Walker: I’ll be back for a rematch. TTYL.

Garibaldi: I think this is where we start playing an inspirational end song.

Caliban: THE ONE WITH THE CAT ON THE TREADMILL!



No comments:

Post a Comment