Friday, April 25, 2014

Parody 5: S1, E15: The Quest for the Holy Grail


A ship arrives, which is usually what causes things to happen (this being space and all).

Sinclair: Ah, I love lunch…

Delenn: We have a special guest that just arrived as a plotpoint let’s go KTHXBAI.

Sinclair: …hey Garibaldi, we should totally have a guard come with.

Garibaldi: D-:<


SURE IS A NICE MIND YOU GOT THERE

Deuce: Ohai Jinxo. I know you did construction on Babylon 5, and since you owe me money you can totally help me find places to smuggle in illegal crap.

Jinxo: Oh no, that’s not a good idea.

Deuce: Or I can totally do this. See this Wise Old Indian Woman? Watch this.

A tentacle comes out of nowhere and mindwipes her, then retreats into an OMGWTFENCOUNTERSUIT?

Deuce: So I’ll give you until he gets hungry for souls again. RIGHT KOSH? BECAUSE YOU’RE TOTALLY KOSH RIGHT?

Feeder: Yeah. Yeah I’m totally legit. Totally.

Jinxo: D-:


IN THE FUTURE, ALIEN ABDUCTIONS END IN A COURT ROOM

Flinn: His great-grandfather abducted my great-grandfather!

Stereotypical Alien: *Bugs Bunny-style sign*

Judge: What.


SINCLAIR WAS A CHASER HIMSELF

Lennier: That’s our special guest. He has the look.

Aldous: Name’s Aldous. I seek the Holy Grail.

Sinclair: Great. A thousand Monty Python jokes just spawned into being.

Aldous: We haven’t found it on Earth, so I figured I’d look for it in space.

Delenn: This will be great, oh Honored Seeker.

Sinclair: So that’s a broomstick you’re carrying then? Sweet!

Aldous: …

Sinclair: Garibaldi, help the man around the place. He’s a Seeker.


WORST THIEF EVER

Garibaldi: Jinxo, stop trying to steal stuff from people who are looking for the Holy Grail.

Jinxo: D-:


THE QUEST FOR THE PLOT

Franklin: I have no idea what caused this, and she’s basically a vegetable right now.

Garibaldi: We could fix this if we cleaned out DownBelow.

Sinclair: But anviliciously, they are the Sad Homeless. Franklin, keep figuring out this mindwipe. Garibaldi, see if Deuce is responsible. If he is, I want him punched. Twice. Actually more than twice.


YOU BETRAYED THE LAW

Judge: Well, Jinxo, back again, eh? I’ll just send you on and you can stay away.

Jinxo: But I have to stay here! Or the place will be DOOMED.

Aldous: I need to whisper things.

Judge: K. Fine, okay, Jinxo, you can hang with Aldous here.

Jinxo: …what.

Deuce: OHAI JINXO.

Judge: Deuce, get your non-legit butt up here.

Deuce: I didn’t do it. He did it. They did it. Someone did it.

Judge: Where’s Miriam?

Garibaldi: Someone mindwiped her.

Judge: YEAH THAT’S NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL.

Deuce: *innocent face*


THE STRONGEST STATION IN THE GALAXY

Aldous: Why can’t you leave again?

Jinxo: The Babylon Curse. I worked on the first Babylon Station, and that fell down. The second station fell down. The third station blew up, fell down, then sank into the swamp. The fourth station disappeared. Each time was after I left, so I have to stay.

Aldous: Sounds like dumb luck for you.


THEY FOUND THE PLOT

Franklin: A Nakaleen Feeder!

Garibaldi: It’s from a Centauri sector. TO THE CASINO!


LONDO WOULD MUCH RATHER BE THE GOVERNOR

Londo: Yeah Nakaleen feeders are BAD TOUCH. This is a completely hypothetical “oh if I just felt like freaking Londo out” sort of thing?

Sinclair: Uhh…

Londo: I’ll be in my quarters. With a shot gun. And a year’s supply of food. And toilet paper. And anti-zombie precautions.

*flees*


DELENN FORESHADOWS SOME THINGS

Delenn: So we don’t know where this Holy Grail is. Sorry.

Jinxo: You guys are actually being nice.

Lennier: The warrior caste are the Greater Jerks.

Aldous: Do you guys ever agree?

Delenn: When terrible horrible things of doom attack the galaxy. Let’s hope it doesn’t happen again.

*Spoiler: It does.*


DEUCE AND THE FEEDER WOULD MAKE A GREAT SITCOM

Feeder: I WANT FOOD. And I’m tired of impersonating Kosh. He’s boring.

Deuce: If you wouldn’t talk in that tinny voice we could pull this off.

Feeder: …


IN WHICH VIR DOES NOT UNDERSTAND BUREAUCRACY

Londo: POLITICIANS I WANT THAT TERRIBLE SECTOR OF DOOM QUARANTINED NOW. And who are you?

Aldous: I seek the Grail.

Londo: I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR MONTY PYTHON JOKES!

Vir: I’ve already looked everything up!

Londo: …

Vir: It was fun! Here, have this information.

Aldous: Thanks Vir!

Londo: Come back and I will taunt you a second time! Vir, everyone is to leave! I mean no one is to leave! Come in! Something!



LAWWWWWW

Judge: Everyone GTFO.

The Judge walks out to his quarters, only for Deuce and Co. to follow. This will only end in tears.


ALDOUS IS A NINJA

Deuce’s Guys: Ohai Jinxo.

Aldous: GTFO.

Aldous then beats them both up with his staff. Like Gandalf on CRACK.

Jinxo: I want to learn to do that!

Aldous: You can learn if you want. You’re a cool guy and would probably look good in a robe. Now, let’s continue our quest!


EVEN KOSH IS SLIGHTLY CONFUSED

Aldous: If the Vorlon doesn’t know where it is, no one does. I mean seriously. Vorlons. Ohai Kosh.

Jinxo: OH GOD OH GOD ENCOUNTER SUIT BRAIN SUCKER.
*flees*

Aldous: Uh…excuse me. Must find my spazcase.

Kosh: …the hell?


SPAZNAPPING

Aldous: Look, Jinxo, if you say Kosh is eating souls or whatever you should tell someone.

Deuce’s Guys…again: AHA!

They take Aldous, and Deuce’s guy threatens Aldous with Not!Vorlon brain-eating.



JINXO NEEDS LESS CAFFEINE

Jinxo: They took Aldous and Kosh is going to eat him!

Sinclair: What. Whatever, Garibaldi, get down here and lend us a hand.


ALDOUS IS A NINJA-WIZARD

Aldous: I’m protecting the judge. Let’s see what you are, creeper.

Feeder: Umm…hi.

Aldous: So you’re Cthulhu Jr.

Feeder: Yeah.

Aldous: Moonlighting as a chest burster.

Feeder: Yep.

Aldous: Pretending to be Kosh.

Feeder: You got it.

Garibaldi: OHAI.

Garibaldi begins shooting, the feeder climbs into an air duct, and everyone realizes what it’s like to be in an Alien movie.

Feeder: Huh. This looks yummy.

Jinxo: I save you judge!

Deuce: Uh…shoot him! Because that will totally make the situation better!

Aldous leaps in front of the bullet, because he is just that awesome (and ninja-fast).

Feeder: Hey guys what’s going—

Everyone: *SHOOTS A LOT*

Jinxo: I’ll find the grail for you, Aldous!

Aldous: Jinxo gets my Super Magic Wizard Staff. Also, the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow is… *dies*

Jinxo: D-:

Sinclair: D-:


EVEN MORE TROLLING!

Sinclair: We found the fake encounter suit. Deuce wanted people to think you were working for him, which we both know is stupid.

Kosh: Yep.

Sinclair: It’s because you make people nervous.

Kosh: I know lol.

Sinclair: …the fact you find this hilarious is slightly creepy.

Kosh: LOL.


AND EVEN MORE MONTY PYTHON JOKES

Sinclair: So Aldous died without finding the Grail.

Delenn: He was really looking for the Meaning of Life.

Sinclair: I have a copy of that. I would’ve given it to him.

Delenn: So would I.

Garibaldi: I thought Jinxo was supposed to be here for sending Aldous back.

Jinxo: Hi.

Garibaldi: JINXO YOU TURNED INTO A WIZARD.

Delenn: Here, this Super Magic Artifact will glow on his grave. It’ll be cool.

Jinxo: Sweet. Bye everyone. I might be back with the Grail.

Garibaldi: Just don’t choose poorly.


IT’S QUIET…TOO QUIET

Londo: Is it dead? Completely? Not going to become a zombie?

Garibaldi: Yep.

Londo: Maybe it’s resting. Or shagged out after a long squawk! IT’S PINING FOR THE FJORDS!

Garibaldi: THIS IS AN EX-FEEDER!

Londo: Oh good.

Garibaldi: We found out the feeder goes quiet when it’s about to attack. So as long as there’s noise you’re safe.

Quiet: *is everywhere*

Londo: *flees back inside*

Vir: FOREVER ALONE.


C&C

Garibaldi: There he goes. Think Babylon 5 will burn down, fall over and sink into the swamp? Or the sun?

Ivanova: They’re gone.

Garibaldi: No horrible things then!

Ivanova: Today. There’s always another boom. Also, Jinxo just flew off on the Mary Celeste.

Everyone: …

Sinclair: …it was nice knowing him.


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