Friday, May 2, 2014

Parody 5: S1, E16: Your Lying Eyes

Garibaldi is building a motorcycle, Muzak plays for no reason, and Lennier arrives to kick off the secondary plotline.

Lennier: What is that?

Garibaldi: A motorcycle. It’s an antique and it’s epic.

Lennier: …and the point?

Garibaldi: You can ride it. It gets you chicks.

Lennier: I MUST LEARN ABOUT THIS MOTORCYCLE.

Sinclair: Ohai. Stupidity is happening, I’m afraid.


ESPECIALLY THE HOT ONES!

Harriman: Do we have to do this? I mean, Ivanova’s pretty hot we could leave her out…

Ben Zayn: No her too.

Harriman: D-:


SINCLAIR MENTIONS AN ARCPOINT

Sinclair: So there are some terrorists on Mars that want to blow stuff up and they might bring weapons through here. So we can’t let weapons go to Mars.

Ivanova: Great. This Mars stuff is totally a plotpoint, right?


GARIBALDI FINDS THE PLOT

Zayn: Hi Garibaldi. I’m Colonel Ben Zayn, and we’re investigating the Babylon 5 command staff.

Garibaldi: You have a Crazy!Scar on your eye. And your name….It’s like a play on “insane”! Do you work for Kim Possible?

Zayn: …


THE ESTABLISHMENT IS A JERK

Ivanova: Why is Psi-Corps here?

Zayn: They get to scan you.

Ivanova: LOLNOPE.

Sinclair: I’m going to search for a loophole. They’re my specialty.

Zayn: And Garibaldi gets to hang with me all the time. ‘Cause I love him so much.

Garibaldi: D-:<


IN THE FUTURE, GOOGLE WILL BE LINKED TO EVERY SPACE STATION

Garibaldi: Hi computer. I have stupidity to do. Peekaboo.

Computer: Your password is so cute.

Garibaldi: Also, I want information on this Zayn guy and his bumbling sidekick Gray. Use the Interwebz.


HARRIMAN MAKES HIS MOVE

Harriman: Hi Ivanova you’re hot.

Ivanova: GTFO the bridge.

Harriman: I want to look at the stars. With you.

Ivanova: NO.

Harriman: I always wanted to be a combat pilot. Or a lumberjack. They didn’t let me do it though, since I was a telepath.

Ivanova: You can’t be a lumberjack with telepathic abilities? That’s weird.

Harriman: Look, I’m a big fan of the Earthforce. And you. Especially you. Please just go with the scan, I won’t look for private stuff, I promise, and I will bring you chocolates.

Ivanova: You scan me I KEEL YOU DEAD.

Harriman: But…but you’re hot…


WHY UNIVERSE HATE VORLONS?

Zayn: Those damn Vorlons. Why didn’t Sinclair complain about blowing up Deathwalker?

Garibaldi: Probably because she was PSYCHOTIC.


IVANOVA HAS A BAD DREAM

Ivanova: I just had the most horrible dream! In space! There were people in drama masks and I turned into my mother!

Sinclair: Sounds like a job for psychotherapy!

Ivanova: But seriously I’ll resign if they try to scan me.

Sinclair: Don’t worry, I’ve found a loophole, per usual. So why do you not like being scanned?

Ivanova: It’s a plotsecret.


SINCLAIR LOVES LOOPING HOLES

Harriman: Are you done obsessing over Sinclair?

Zayn: Nope!

Harriman: I don’t want to deep scan him.

Zayn: Bester wants you to.

Harriman: Bester? As in creepface?

Sinclair: Ohai. I’m not doing anything until Gray leaves. Turns out scanning is only for specific charges so there.

Zayn: You’re interpreting regulations for a senior officer.

Sinclair: Nah. It’s command privilege. And we’d have to have a hearing for all this first.

Harriman: He’s right you know.

Zayn: Shut up.

Harriman: Shutting up.

Zayn: Garibaldi, witness this interview, make sure I don’t DERAIL THE PLOT.


HARRIMAN IS VERY PERSISTENT

Harriman: Ohai Ivanova you still look hot today!

Ivanova: …do you ever go away?

Harriman: Sinclair said to GTFO so I did. It was actually kind of funny to see Zayn look annoyed. You don’t know a lot about telepaths, like Talia. And it was terrible what happened to your mom…

Ivanova: GTFO MY MIND STFU.

Harriman: Sorry it was just loud I have no social skills sorry…

Ivanova: D-:<


BIG BROTHER IS INTERROGATING YOU FOR NO REASON

Sinclair: I could end the strike however I wanted, and we were all tired of that damn paper rustling. So there.

Ivanova: We have an issue.

Zayn: Sinclair has to stay here so there.

Sinclair: I have to leave.

Zayn: No you don’t cause I’m in charge now!

Sinclair: So why are you doing this?

Zayn: You’re working against our best interests. And Harriman will help me prove it. Cause now we can scan you so there! Also Sinclair gets to stay in his quarters. And talks to no one. And only gets a cup of coffee at eleven. MWAHAHAHA!


ZAYN IS WORSE THAN IVANOVA

Zayn: You will do everything I say at once no joking no smiling no BREATHING.

Garibaldi: Hi so…

Zayn: Ivanova, Harriman gets to scan you. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go brood.

Ivanova: Go figure. Time to go. You know, I think I need that plotdrink you mentioned.

Garibaldi: Ten minutes, I have to go back on the Interwebz.


POLITICIANS ARE JERKS

Senator Guy: But if I stop them it might cost the president.

Sinclair: What.

Senator Guy: Basically it’s political machinations. We’ll help you when you have to go to court. Bye.

Sinclair: FFFFFFFFUUUUU—


HOW TO HURT YOURSELF

Ivanova is drinking, and a guy knocks into her.

Guy: Ooh let me stroke your hair!

Audience: THIS CAN ONLY END IN TEARS.


GARIBALDI DISCOVERS ZAYN’S PLOT

Garibaldi: So you both were in line for B5, and Zayn is BFFs with Bester.

Sinclair: I have another loophole!

Commlink: Issue in the casino, some guy is crying like a little girl, Ivanova was involved, it’s bad.


YES IVANOVA BEAT UP A DOZEN PEOPLE.

Garibaldi: Here, this will help you get sober, we have to go make sure Sinclair loops the holes correctly.


LOOP ALL THE HOLES!!!

Sinclair: So Bester assigned you.

Harriman: What. I never met him.

Sinclair: He and Zayn are BFF’s.

Harriman: WHAT.

Zayn: Time to scan guys! It should be fun! Bring in the clowns!

Garibaldi: Clowns? Really?

Zayn: So I will give the charges and you all have to be scanned to see if they’re true.

Harriman: I’ll repeat all the telepath rules for the audience.

Sinclair: Can you scan the colonel? He’s the commander of Babylon 5. He’s on staff now.

Zayn: I ask questions!

Sinclair: So why is this personal? Is it about how I got B5 and you didn’t? But then Bester totally came up with this idea so you both get revenge, and then you are a jerk to my staff and make C&C even less mellow than when Ivanova runs it!

Zayn: Oh yeah, I served more than you but the Minbari like you better than me for some reason!

Harriman: I can see why.

Zayn: *backhand* I’ll totally blame you guys for this!

Harriman: CRUCIO.

Ivanova: …that was easy. Good work Harriman.

Harriman: I can haz date nao?

Ivanova: No.

Harriman: D-:


LENNIER ESTABLISHES THE PUNCHLINE

Lennier: I have built the motorcycle, and it is epic.

Garibaldi: You…you finished it! Now what am I supposed to do? Ride it?

Lennier: Oh yeah, we can ride it. I put a Minbari power source on it.


BORN TO BE WILD!

Ivanova: Well, I guess Harriman wasn’t so bad.

Sinclair: Yeah. And Zayn is going to be in therapy for a long time.

Ivanova: At least things are back to normal. It’s almost weird.

Garibaldi and Lennier: *ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM*

Everyone: WHAT.

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