Friday, June 6, 2014

Parody 5: S1, E20: Babylon Plot Device

DINING ROOM, CRACK O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING

Ivanova: So…so tired…weird tachyon in Sector 14…

Garibaldi: Takes a while to get there. Sounds like a plotpoint.

Ivanova: Yeah…sleepy…

Sinclair: Deeper…deeperway, way down

Ivanova: *sleeps*

Sinclair: SWITCH HER FOOD QUICK.

Garibaldi: Well G2G now.

Sinclair: Yep breakfast is over.

Ivanova: What is this I don’t even OH GOD I HAVE TO GET TO WORK.

Sinclair: I’m leaving too nice knowing you Mike.

Garibaldi: …


FIVE SECONDS LATER

Ivanova: I KEEL ALL OF YOU!


IT’S!

Pilot: Huh, weird tachyon emissions of doom. And something is happening! Something plot relevant! SWEET ZOMBIE VALEN IT’S—*dies*

Ivanova: It’s…what? It’s a new star? It’s a disco ball? It’s Monty Python’s Flying Circus?

Sinclair: What happened?

Ivanova: The tachyon emissions went nuts.

Ship: *does nothing*

Ivanova: He’s DED.


SCARY THINGS

Garibaldi: He died by OLD AGE.

Ivanova: What.

Garibaldi: Okay, his organs died of old age. The rest of him’s fine.

Sinclair: KEEP EVERYONE AWAY FROM SECTOR 14 ALL THE TIME.


TIMEY WIMEY STUFF

Sinclair: He wrote B4 cryptically here. And Sector 14 is where Babylon 4 disappeared!

Commlink: Babylon 4 is calling for help.

Sinclair: Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit. It’s the station.

Distress Signal: WE NEED HELP WE’RE SO CONFUSED OH GOD THE MIND SCREW THE MIND SCREW!

Sinclair: What’s happening?

B4 Captain: We’re warping through time and space and IT’S VERY WIBBLY WOBBLY and we have about 1200 people here. It’s like Event Horizon ON CRACK. OH NO NOT AGAIN.

Sinclair: Let’s go.


DUTY SUCKS SOMETIMES

Sinclair: So we have no idea what’s going on, someone died a lot from it, and Babylon 4 is trucking around the time-space continuum for kicks.

Pilots: …I guess we’ll go…if we have to…


GARIBALDI STARTS A SEINFELDIAN CONVERSATION

Garibaldi: So…boxers or briefs?

Sinclair: What.

Garibaldi: You’re always so serious. It’s like you have the burden of the Chosen One on your shoulders.

Sinclair: Briefs.

Garibaldi: We killed 2 minutes! How about shaving cream?

Sinclair: I DON’T LIKE THIS CONVERSATION ANYMORE.


THE ARCPOINT COUNCIL

Delenn walks into the Grey Council wearing that giant epic robe of hers. Everyone gathers in mini-spotlights, which is kind of funny, but I guess they don’t want to waste light, or something.

Delenn: Ohai guys. You wanted to talk?

Minbari 721: Hi Delenn! We’ve missed you!

Delenn: I missed you guys too. We should throw a party after this.

Minbari 721: So we’re done crying over Dukhat. We need to choose a new leader.

Delenn: Why wasn’t I told?

Minbari 22: ‘Cause you’re epic and we want you to be our leader!

Delenn: WHAT. I thought…Babylon 5…Chosen One…

Minbari 721: Don’t worry about prophecy. It’ll attend to itself. We’ll find someone else to be the Chosen One.

Delenn: D-:


BABYLON CONFUSED

Sinclair: Huh. This place is greener than Babylon 5.

Garibaldi: Must’ve been the eco-friendly model.

Crew Member #85:  I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS WIBBLY WOBBLYNESS!

They shoot at each other a lot, and Garibaldi sneaks behind him and hits him on the head.

Garibaldi: Chill dude, chill.

Lewis: Hi! I’m the commander of Babylon 4. Where are you from?

Sinclair: Babylon 5.

Garibaldi: It’s 2258 dude.

Lewis: We are time traveling!

Suddenly, tachyon emissions happen! Then Sinclair is on Babylon 5 and there are things cutting in and Garibaldi is spazzing about SHOOT THINGS and it’s all horrible. You hear him shout “They’re coming through” which is plot relevant for Season 2 and then you hear a growl and it’s probably Death Spiders or invisible gremlins or…

Lewis: And that’s why we have to get out of here.


BUT WE HAVE A GREAT HALL!

Minbari 721: We’re hanging in the Great Hall. DUMBLEDORE IS HERE.

Delenn: But that means I have to live on this ship FOREVER.

Minbari 721: But no one’s ever refused before.

Delenn: But I need to be the Chosen One!


THE REAL HERO OF THE SERIES, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

Sinclair: Anything else weird happen?

Lewis: We found a Plot Zathras.

Zathras: AHHHH I WANT YOUR AUTOGRA—wait no never mind. You can’t be the One. You don’t have a trenchcoat.

Sinclair: What.

Zathras: I can’t say anything I was told not to shutting up now.

Lewis: I think he got timey-wimey’d too.

Zathras: The One is hurt and we need the future plotpoint.

Sinclair: Why?

Zathras clicks his tongue a bit and explains.

Zathras: There’s this Great Dark Vagueness and there will be a war and we have to save the galaxy. And so we’re pulling the station through time.

Sinclair: What.

Crew Member #52: That weird space-suited thing is back!

Zathras: *flees*


PAYOFF FOR A FUTURE EPISODE

The One: Ugh…Vorlons stole my money…

Zathras: Hey it’s The One!

Sinclair: He’s not wearing a trenchcoat! What gives?

Zathras: That guy’s helping Babylon 4. He’s letting you off.

Sinclair: I wanna talk to him!

The One: *Sinclairtoss*

Zathras: Here, I have the Macguffin so you can fix your suit!

The One: I’M OUT! *snap snap, etc.*

Sinclair: That was definitely weird.

Zathras: You guys have to run away or you’ll be TRAPPED FOREVER.


IN WHICH THE GREY COUNCIL DISCUSSES TV TROPES

Delenn: So basically since we stopped the war over prophecy I have to make sure the prophecy is right.

Minbari 721: Why are Humans Special?

Delenn: Because they like to fix things. Also I think they’re pretty darn cool. They could even become shiny one day if they tried!

Minbari 721: But why do you have to be the Chosen One?

Delenn: Because Straczynski said so.

Minbari 22: You may not ever be allowed to come back ever!

Delenn: I’m staying on B5. I mean everything fun happens there.

Minbari 721: Okay guys, who’s okay with this?

People vote by turning their lights out, which is hilarious. Apparently only the warrior caste voted against her, and it’s probably because they are Greater Jerks.


BABYLON 4 ALSO HAS A MEETING ROOM FOR WAR COUNCILS AND BIRTHDAY PARTIES

Zathras: So no time stabilizer means someone’s organs age horribly. I gave mine to The One.

Lewis: We might put you on trial.

Zathras: Eh, I’ll die. Either way, bad for Zathras.

Tachyon Emissions: OHAI.


TIMEY FLASHY THINGY

Lise: Y U LEAVE MICHAEL?

Garibaldi: I…what…?

Lise: I NO GO TO BABYLON 5.

Garibaldi: What is this I don’t even.


TIME TO NOPE AWAY

Garibaldi: Wait, what?

Sinclair: You okay?

Garibaldi: We need to leave LIKE NAO.


EVACUATION!

The place is still green, FYI. They try to flee but a plot pipe lands on Zathras, and Zathras makes them flee.

Zathras: You have a destiny!

Sinclair: And a hole in my mind?

Zathras: Yeah.

Garibaldi: THIS PLACE IS SO WEIRD.

Sinclair: Fare thee well, Babylon 4!


HOW TO CONFUSE YOUR AUDIENCE

The One: Ohai Zathras.

Zathras: OHAI.

The One: *takes off helmet*

Old!Sinclair: It happened just how I remembered it. What a mindscrew.

Delenn!Voice: We have to go now.

Audience: WHAT.


LOTS OF FORESHADOWING

Garibaldi: Think all that stuff about a Great War and a Chosen One and a Dark Vagueness is true?

Sinclair: It would be cool. And make for a damn good story arc.


SO MUCH FORESHADOWING

Minbari 721: TTYL Delenn.

Delenn: I’m sure I’ll never see the Grey Council again.

Minbari 721: Don’t count on it. Here, have this magic Triluminary triangle.

Delenn: MY PLOT POINT!


FORESHADOWING FOREVER!

Ivanova: Well I missed all the fun.

Sinclair: It may show up again some time…


*Spoiler: It does.*

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