Friday, June 13, 2014

Parody 5: S1, E21: The Quality of Future Plotpoints

LONDO’S METHOD OF MAKING ALLIES

Londo: So Lennier we’ve never hung out. What about your life?

Lennier: I trained as a religious caste and then I came here. I’ve read a lot about other species.

Londo: That’s boring. I’m going to teach you!

Lennier: OH GOD.


THIS POOR JUDGE HAS TO DEAL WITH ALL THE WEIRDOS

Judge: So Mr. Creepface Killah you murdered people. We’ll figure out what to do with you tomorrow.

Creepface Killah: Sweet.


THE ILLEGAL CHARITY THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FUTURE PLOTPOINTS

Ivanova: Hi Franklin, having fun with your unauthorized charity?

Franklin: I’m healing people. AND TOTALLY NOT SMUGGLING ROGUE TELEPATHS THROUGH.

Ivanova: Well that’s good to know. Just let me know when you do stuff like this, maybe I’ll help.

Franklin: Great. Roll up your sleeves, you get to do the enemas.

Ivanova: WHAT.


ANOTHER PHILOSOPHICAL DISCUSSION ABOUT HOW TO DEAL WITH SOCIETY’S CRAZIES

Garibaldi: Space Creepface Killah. He’s a serial killer of doom. I mean, if he lived in Miami he would totally be dead by now!

Judge: We can’t space him. We can either send him to prison.

Sinclair: And they don’t want him.

Judge: Or we mindwipe him.

Talia: I really don’t want to scan another serial killer. And the Corps doesn’t have a lot of people that actually want to do this.

Garibaldi: You could mindrape him too.

Judge: NO. Anyways, I really need your help Talia. We’ll ask Kosh not to dredge up horrifying memories anymore for strange and mysterious reasons related to next season.


FRANKLIN FORGETS THAT HOT WOMEN HAVE MOMS TOO

Rosen: Is that better?

Dude: Yeah! Now I don’t have to go on the cart!

Franklin: Suspicious.

Rosen: Hi Franklin!

Franklin: This is a freaky alien device. What’s this say?

Rosen: No idea. But it does work. For basically everything.

Franklin: So you’re a con?

Janice the Hot Blonde Chick: THAT’S MY MOM YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. Gtfo.

Franklin: Fine. BUT I WILL BE BACK. And not just to sleep with you.


IN OTHER NEWS, SOCIOPATHS DON’T UNDERSTAND EMPATHY

Judge: Any last words?

Creepface Killah: It was fun!

Judge: Fine. You get mindwiped.

Creepface Killah: But I LIKE being a psychopath.

Judge: Tough. Deal with it.

Creepface Killah: I HATE ALL OF YOU.

Judge: AND HOW DO YOU THINK WE FEEL?


DANCERS!

Londo: This is going to be so much fun Lennier! Stop bowing at people.

Lennier: This…this is very awkward.

Londo: Ohai, get us a couple drinks.

Lennier: But…but this is…

Londo: This is what Babylon 5 is all about! Look at that dancer!

Lennier: …

Londo: I’ve left my money. Did you bring yours?

Lennier: Uh…I’m not sure I should….SHE JUST TOOK HER CLOTHES OFF.

Londo: Damn straight. Here, have a drink?

Lennier: I hope this isn’t alcohol, or I’ll go into a psychotic rage.

Londo: LET’S GET YOU A WATER.


HERE, HAVE SOME MORE FORESHADOWING!

Franklin: Here, Janice, have this necklace. So I understand your mom was a doctor. What’s going on?

Janice: She became addicted to stims, which totally isn’t something that would happen to you. Then she accidentallied someone and they took away her license. But then she found the healing device of Mild Creepiness.

Franklin: But does it actually work? I mean if it does you could go back to Earth.

Janice: My mom’s dying. And if you screw this up I WILL END YOU.

Franklin: …and not sleep with me?

Janice: *glare*


IT ONLY GETS WORSE

Lennier: I found out we have a word that never means the same thing!

Londo: That’s nice. I need more alcohol.

Lennier: We should watch another dance because IT WILL HELP ME UNDERSTAND NEW CULTURES.

Londo: No. We’re going to play poker!


ZOMBIE DANCE! BELIEVE IN YOUR DREAMS!

Talia comes to scan Creepface Killah.

First we zoom in VERY SLOWLY on Talia’s eye. Then…

Talia: Oh God it’s all red in here!

Security Guy: Omgwtfdeath?

Creepface Killah: More people to sing in the choir! Look at my zombie choir! They’re going to sing me to heaven, kind of like that Welsh thing except freakier!

Talia: FFFFFFUUUU—

*cue Zombie Musical Number*


CAN TOTALLY READ LENNIER'S POKER FAAACE

Lennier: Wow, this is interesting! This is the best hand ever!

Everyone: WHAT.

Londo: That’s not how you do it Lennier.

Lennier: I win again!


THIS WILL HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO EFFECT ON FUTURE EPISODES

Chick: Wow, my arthritis is better!

Rosen: Ohai Franklin.

Franklin: So it looks like this epic device actually works! And why did your life-signs drop when you used this? It’s like energy transferral!

Rosen: But not the fun type. I bought it a couple years ago. It was actually used as the death penalty So the bad guys could heal others.

Franklin: But it’s killing you.

Rosen: I’ve got a terrible disease of doom. I might be able to fix it before I die so it doesn’t hurt the person giving their energy. I just couldn’t tell Janice, my blonde daughter you totally have a crush on.

Franklin: Uhh…

Rosen: Anyways, if I die, you can have the machine but don’t tell Janice.

Franklin: Fine. I get to give you regular check-ups though.

Janice: Bothering my mom again eh?

Franklin: Nope, she’s awesome. Now can I have a date?

Janice: Of course!


INSERT COMMENT ABOUT FORESHADOWING HERE

Garibaldi: You okay?

Talia: That was scary. We have terrible things that live inside us!

Garibaldi: My God, woman, that could be a plotpoint! OR EVEN A TRAPDOOR!


HOW TO GET CRAP PAST THE RADAR

Londo: Hmmm…maybe I could take a card using my uh…well anyways.

A…THING YES THAT’S IT A THING grabs a card whilst the audience giggles in their palms.

The…THINGYESTHING attempts to grab a card, but then a glass is sit on it.

Londo: COLD SO COLD.

Dude: WHAT IS THIS?

The dude tries to hit Londo, but then Lennier promptly beats him up without breaking a sweat.

Londo: How…?

Lennier: We need to GTFO…oh crap.

Everyone gathers around them. IT WILL ONLY END IN TEARS.


OF COURSE HE ESCAPED

Franklin: Creepface Killah got shot. He went into Downbelow…? I bet he’s going to my clinic! Hey, if you see a freak with a PPG wound tell me.

Nurse Person: Not many people are here, they’re all going to Rosen.

Franklin: …TO THE PLOT!


NOT-FUN ENERGY TRANSFERRAL

Franklin: I’LL SAVE YOU LAU—Oh, hi Creepface Killah.

Creepface Killah: I’m getting better! This is great. And then I get to have hostages! Including this Hot Blonde Chick.

Rosen: Well, only one thing to do. OVER 9000!!!

Creepface Killah: THAT MEME IS SO OLD!!!

Rosen: I give you my disease!

Creepface Killah: FFFFFFFUUUUUUU—

Franklin: …he’s dead. AND THAT WAS TERRIFYING.


Court

Judge: Rosen’s fine, she killed the bad guy. But she has to give us the scary device of doom. So we can research it, and possibly have some sort of moment of angst at some point in the future.

Garibaldi: That was awesome Laura.

Rosen: So I get to live for a long time. But it was at the cost of someone else. I think I shall have to philosophize over this.

Janice: I’ll leave my mom to wander the galaxy, and we still have that date. You know, so this isn’t totally depressing!


HILARITY

Sinclair: What is this I don’t even.

Londo: I’m…very drunk.

Lennier: So Londo was teaching me to play poker and I didn’t realize I screwed up. And then I had to beat everyone up.

Londo: Uh…yeah. That’s what happened. Yeah.

Sinclair: I’ll leave you guys to pay for the damage, and…yeah. I have to go drink something.

Londo: So why’d you do this?

Lennier: We help people save face. This will probably come into play in another episode.

Londo: Well thanks.

Lennier: So…what was that part of you that grabbed the cards?

Londo: Uhh…. See this statue? See these, ah, tentacles?

Lennier: I AM NOW GOING TO DRINK BRAIN BLEACH.

The audience giggles.


CAN WE JUST CALL THIS “FORESHADOWING: THE SERIES”?

Rosen: Hope you put it to better use.

Franklin: It might save someone’s life when there’s no hope!

Rosen: Dear God, the foreshadowing! Anyways, I’m going to go explore the galaxy. Don’t break my daughter’s heart. And don’t you know try to save her life via this device or anything. It might end terribly you know.


Spoiler: *YOU KNOW THE DRILL*

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