Thursday, July 10, 2014

Movie Review: The Lone Ranger, or Why This Movie Should Not Exist

     This entire video describes the precise range of emotions when I watched The Lone Ranger:

     There. Now you know how horrifying it really was.

     I mean, I expected there to be more comedy in it than the original series. It has Johnny Depp in it, of course there’s going to be comedy. But this…this was less “give it a comedic spin” and more “let us spit upon everything the original stood for”.

     In this movie, our hero may be brave, but he’s a pansy lawyer who regularly either A.) Gets beat up or B.) accidentally defeats the villains, without knowing how. He’s constantly made fun of for being an upright, honorable person, which was the appeal of The Lone Ranger in the freaking first place. Most of the focus is not on him, but on Johnny Depp, who is the Apache tracker from Welcome to Night Vale. (Okay, he’s supposed to be Comanche, but it doesn’t matter, because he is a white guy playing a Native American in full head dress and talking about “Indian magics”. He might as well be the Apache tracker.)

     The movie dragged on and on, bizarrely intercut with a supposedly older version of Tonto telling the story to a small child, who looks as incredulously bewildered as the audience. Also, he creeps around and acts like Jack Sparrow. Therein lies the problem with Johnny Depp. He doesn’t know how to play anyone but Jack Sparrow anymore. He used to be a rather diverse actor, but now he’s lost that.

     The other problem is that they didn’t do a very good job of combining the comedy with the actual dramatic moments. It felt like they were making two different movies: a tragedy about the fights between Native Americans and Western settlers, and a comedy about Johnny Depp being Comanche Tracker Jack Sparrow.

     Where is the actual Lone Ranger in the midst of all this? Oh, doing some slapstick stuff, and occasionally saving the day, but only thanks to Silver. If it wasn’t for Silver, he’d have died numerous times. This isn’t the hero. This is a plot point. They wanted to make Armie Hammer the straight man to Johnny Depp’s slapstick, but it didn’t work. He comes off as flat and boring, except when he’s getting into trouble.

     Also, because Johnny Depp is involved, they have Helena Bonham-Carter playing a madam that could have been played by literally any actress, because her role was basically “give plot information, show off ivory leg, shoot something”.

     If you’ll excuse me, I have to watch the old series to cleanse my mind. Oh, yeah, and old Tonto? HE WAS AN ACTUAL NATIVE AMERICAN.

     Screw you, Disney. Screw you.

1 comment:

  1. Rate, comment, favorite and subscribe if you think this movie suuuuuuuuuuuucked!!!!! In other news, Downvoting Roman strikes again!!!!