Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Parody 5: S2, E1: Points of Plot Changes

Our story begins on the Agamemnon, one of many ships with Greek mythology names, because that’s just how J. Straz rolls.

Captain Sheridan: Hi, I’m someone you’ve never seen before, but as you can tell I’m a ridiculously happy guy.

General Hague: Sheridan! We’ve got a rogue Minbari plotpoint trucking around space, and I have a mysterious assignment for you from our new bald president. I can’t tell the viewers until the next scene however.

Sheridan: Uh…

Hague: Good lad.


On Babylon 5, things are getting sillier…

Ivanova: The president’s dead, Garibaldi’s unconscious, Sinclair’s taken off somewhere, and I hate everyone!

Alien ambassadors: D-:

Hague: We have a problem. Sinclair fell into trapdoor and ended up on Minbar. They seem to like him there, so Captain Sheridan is becoming the new plot instigator there at the station. Have fun.

Ivanova: I…wait…what?


VOLDEMORT TRIED TO FULFILL PROPHECY AND IT DIDN’T WORK OUT WELL

Minbari 721: We told her not to try and fulfill prophecy, that it would fulfill itself.

Lennier: How would it do that?

Minbari 721: SHUT UP. Now, if the Minbari plotpoint comes here, you need to tell the humans THE TRUTH.

Lennier: About…?

Minbari 721: About why we surrendered when we were about to PWN Earth. You know what TRUTH I’m talking about.

Lennier: Ah, I see. You can’t let the viewers know about it.

Minbari 721: Damn straight.

Cocoon!Delenn: …


YET ANOTHER CHOSEN ONE WANDERS ONTO BABYLON 5

Sheridan wanders into the waiting area just as Ivanova skids into view, grabs a random security guard by the neck and drags her in front of Sheridan.

Ivanova: You want the station? Take it.

Sheridan: This seems like a great place! And I had oranges. I love oranges. Aren’t they awesome? There’s nothing better than a…

Ivanova: FOCUS!

Sheridan: Erm…right. What’s happened here so far?

Ivanova: Everyone’s spazzing, Garibaldi’s mostly dead, G'Kar took off on some mysterious plot-mission, Kosh keeps popping up behind people and muttering cryptic things at them, and Ambassador Delenn is in a cocoon.

Sheridan: What.


Shortly thereafter, a plotpoint arrives in the form of a Minbari wearing spikes of villainy. He has a remarkably mild voice for someone so angry.

Kalain: And SINCLAIR fell through a trapdoor RIGHT ONTO OUR PLANET and now Sheridan’s fallen through a trapdoor RIGHT HERE and it’s not fair because I hate humans.

Minbari 721: I know, I know, it’s not fair Sheridan killed a few of our guys after we tried to annihilate the entire human race. Terrible, I know. But you know the thing that you’re doing because of the things is a bad idea.

Kalain: Whatever. Excuse me while I ninja away.


Minbari 721, concerned about Kalain and his bitching, interrupts Sheridan’s Speech to warn him off in a cryptic manner.

Minbari 721: You know the Trigati? That Minbari plotpoint? See, their commanding officer killed himself after we were told to surrender and now they’re wandering the galaxy being nuisances.

Sheridan: How do you know all this?

Minbari 721: SHUT UP. *storms out*

Ivanova: So what exactly did you do to them?

Sheridan: Oh, we mined an asteroid field when we were stranded and when they came to blow us up we blew them up instead. They think it was dishonorable. You know, because tricking them is so much worse than them trying to annihilate the human race.

Ivanova: Totally.

Sheridan: So what is Kalain’s issue? I mean he’s mad at his people, so who would he take it out on?


OVERLY DRAMATIC THREATS

Lennier: I’d rather you not shoot the cocoon.

Security: Drop the weapon.

Kalain: Please! Shoot me! Please! It’ll be fun doitdoit.

Security: Crackhead. Take him away.

Sheridan: So you just happened to show up here. Totally by accident. But you just stood there instead of hurting anyone.

Kalain: Screw you!

Sheridan: Where’d you park the ship? If it’s in a handicap spot so help me I’ll—

Lennier: I HAVE A PLOTPOINT!


FLASHBACK!

Delenn: Wow the humans just keep going, don’t they? Like a bunch of Energizer bunnies.

Minbari 251: What are those?

Delenn: …I don’t know. Maybe we should find someone to question about them.
*she points*

Sinclair: YOLOOOOOO!!!!!

Lennier: So, we interrogated him, but we found out something…incredibly awkward. Turns out, Minbari are being reincarnated as humans! So we surrendered before we blew up any more of our souls.

Sheridan and Ivanova: WHAT.


And that’s when the Trigati pops out of nowhere.


Meanwhile, we see Warren Keffer a.k.a. He Who Is Doomed, Kalain cracks open Eclipse gum with the gooey stuff inside, and some chick named Deroon from the Trigati makes some threatening comments and rambles about “honor” and “death”

Corwin: Kalain turns out to be allergic to Eclipse gum. He’s DED.

Deroon: Well, now we just have to attack you. A lot, actually.

Sheridan: Guys, I want you to do…nothing.

Keffer: But…we’ll die!

Sheridan: You don’t get to die until the Shadows say so.

Keffer: D-:


Meanwhile, the Trigati, deeply disappointed in the not fighting, are further inconvenienced by the arrival of the other Minbari. They solve their problem by blowing themselves up, which is a great way to solve problems.

Sheridan: Thanks guys!

Minbari 876: SCREW YOU.

Sheridan: I thought you wanted to find them?

Minbari 876: Shut up.

Sheridan: *siiiigh*


And the moral of the story is:

Sheridan: I mean, what if the Minbari never ask me to play their Minbari games?

Ivanova: Quit yer bitching. I’ve got things to do.


VAGUE PLOTPOINT IS VAGUE

Lennier: Ah, Delenn, I wish I could have told them the real TRUTH. You know, about the mysterious prophecy and the evil bad scary things? Gosh, I wish I could just spill it all out now!

Audience: Tell us now! Tell us now!

Lennier: But I’d rather be cryptic. It’s in vogue, you know. Sleep tight.

Audience: Cuz she’s in a cocoon! LOLOLOL.

Cocoon!Delenn: *pushes on cocoon*


Suddenly, jazz plays, and we are in Amelia’s! Keffer complains about being marked for death and stuff, then we turn to Happy!Sheridan, who is finishing his good-luck speech. TO NO ONE.


It’s…inspiring. Yeah, inspiring.

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