Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Parody 5: S2, E2: The Plot of This Season

SPACE THE FINAL FRONTIER

We are in the meeting room for the League of Idiots, where Londo is, of course, complaining.

Londo: Where is everyone? Why do I not have my coffee? WHO WRITES THIS CRAP?

Lennier: Delenn is indisposed.

Londo: SHE’S IN A COCOON. Where’s G’Kar?

Na’Toth: *glare*

Londo: So G’Kar disappears and Delenn becomes a butterfly? This sucks, don’t you agree Kosh?

Kosh: *huffs*

Sheridan: Looks like you’ve even managed to annoy the Vorlon. I’m out.

Londo: So where is G’Kar?

Na’Toth: He checked on what happened at Quadrant 37, where our colony was mysteriously destroyed by some unknown race of DOOM.


FRANKLING REMEMBERS A PLOTPOINT

Sheridan: Hey Franklin, how’s it going?

Franklin: Garibaldi’s half dead.

Sheridan: …that sucks.

Franklin: Nothing helps, but I do have an unauthorized plotpoint from Season 1.

Sheridan: What is the plotpoint?

Franklin: It drains people’s life force and gives it to someone else.

Sheridan: Well, that does suck. Go for it, don’t hurt anyone.


Sister Lizzie Sheridan arrives, in her cheerful, perky manner, with cheerful, perky hair even.

Sheridan: I totally lost control over the vegetable garden.

Lizzie: How did you gain weight eating vegetables?

Sheridan: …


I GUESS THIS IS A GARDEN OF EDEN METAPHOR, OR SOMETHING?

Morden walks in, smiling like a salesman as usual.

Londo: So this whole “destroy Quadrant 37” won’t be connected to me?

Morden: Beyond a shadow of a doubt. GEDDITGEDDITSHADOW?

*The Shadows giggle*

Morden: Everything is going as planned. We can destroy more things for you.

Londo: Why don’t you just destroy Narn?

Morden: Give it time, give it time.

Londo: …

Morden: Oh, and, ah, let me know if you hear about any unauthorized visits to the Rim, will you? For…reasons.



DINNER CONVERSATION FOR DUMMIES

Sheridan: Work. Also work. Oh, and then there’s work. Did I mention I work?

Lizzie: STFU ABOUT WORK.

Sheridan: But I have bad unhappy memories of my wife dying mysteriously close to the Rim.

Lizzie: I have bad unhappy memories too. But if she were here she would yell at you for your angst. Or possibly convince you to go to a planet of doom, it was hard to tell with her.


ENERGY TRANSFERRAL!

Sheridan: So, let’s play with this mysteriously dangerous alien device. I go first.

Franklin: I…but…you can’t…how did…that’s not…WHAT?

Sheridan: If you do this all on your own you could, you know, die, and before it happens declare your love for Garibaldi.

Franklin: WHAT??

Sheridan: Wrong season, wrong couple. Whoops.

Franklin: …since when am I and Garibaldi a couple?

Sheridan: Fanfiction, dear Franklin. Fanfiction.


HAVE I MENTIONED EVERYONE IS DOOMED?

G’Kar: WE ARE ALL DOOMED!!!

Na’Toth: …uhhhhh….

G’Kar: G’Quan said a very bad evil scary enemy of DOOM lived at the Rim. I SAW EVIL SCARY THINGS AT THE RIM, PLOTTING EVIL DESTRUCTION! WE’RE DOOOOOOMED!!!!!!!

Na’Toth: …do you need a drink?


GARIBALDI MAKES A REFERENCE

Garibaldi: What’s up doc?

Warner Bros.: WE LOVE YOU GARIBALDI!

Garibaldi: They’re going to kill the president!

Ivanova: It worked.

Garibaldi: And where is Sinclair?

Franklin: He fell into a trapdoor.

Sheridan: I’m Sheridan! How’s it hanging, bro?

Garibaldi: …why is he so happy?

Ivanova: Who shot you?

Evil Second in Command: *reaches for gun VERY PUBLICLY*

Garibaldi: Dunno.

Evil Second in Command: *replaces gun VERY PUBLICLY*

Garibaldi: I’m certain, however, it was not my second-in-command, who was acting incredibly suspicious just now.


METAMORPHOSIS!

Cocoon: EMPTY!

Lennier: GASP!

Delenn: Ughhhthissucksthissuckswhydididothissuchabadideaowwieowwie…

Franklin arrives.

Lennier: Say nothing. Or I’ll have to kill you.

Franklin: You could kill me? LOL.

Lennier: …you have no idea.


BACKSTORY!

Sheridan: DID I MENTION WORK?

Lizzie: …he’s doing it again….why does he make noise now…

Sheridan: But really, I do miss Anna.

Lizzie: But her deep-space vessel exploded. On the mysterious Rim of doom, of course.

Sheridan: But if we had celebrated our anniversary and if I had said I love you at the end of our conversation and if I had read that Babylon 5 novel before any of that…

Lizzie: CHILL.


BEING THE CHOSEN ONE SUCKS

Franklin: Dude it’s like the crusty thing on a butterfly. Is it supposed to come off then?

Delenn: Idon’tevenknowthishurtsowwie…

Franklin then lifts her hood to find…

Franklin: OH MY GOD YOU TURNED INTO MUMM’RA!


LEAGUE OF ARBITRARY SKEPTICISM

G’Kar: The ancient race is back! We’re all doomed!

Sheridan: What if those dead worlds were colonized by someone else?

G’Kar: The ships looked just like the ancient race.

Sheridan: But Narn homeworld hasn’t said anything.

G’Kar: They will. I’ve sent a ship to Z’Ha’Dum, the place where evil terrible things dwell and long-range survey ships explode.


THAT’S A RATHER SPECIFIC DENIAL

Londo: Narns are going to Z’Ha’Dum. You know it, do you?

Morden: Just in passing, never been there, don’t have hair gel there, don’t drink tea with old men there…


SCANNING!

Talia: You realize scanning you will hurt really bad and it won’t do anything in court.

Garibaldi: But I have to remember or I’ll angst.


THEY HAVE A PLAN!

Japanese Guy: Ambassador Delenn turned into a butterfly!

Evil Second-in-Command: I’VE GOT TO SEE THIS!

He is promptly ambushed.

Welch the Bald Guy: Go ahead, punk. MAKE MY DAY.

Evil Second-in-Command: OH GOD HE’S QUOTING CLINT SOMEONE SAVE ME.

Welch: Can we punch him more?

Sheridan: Well, mayb—no, no don’t do that.


ARCPOINTS, ARCPOINTS EVERYWHERE

Garibaldi: YOU WERE MY BROTHER ANAKIN JACK. Who told you to do this?

Evil Second-in-Command: The people who will win. TROLLOLOL!

Audience Who Has Seen the Series: NOT LIKELY TROLLOLOL.

Evil Second-in-Command: You don’t know who’s really behind this, do you? Or even who’s REALLY REALLY behind this?

Garibaldi: Which I’m sure has nothing whatsoever to do with Death Spiders. You do realize you’re going to be spaced, right? JUST LIKE METALLICA, RIGHT?

Evil Second-in-Command: Look at this cool wave Bester taught me!

Garibaldi: …what.


TOTALLY LEGIT ORDERS

New Bald President Clark: Sheridan, friend, great awesome job finding the evil conspirator who murdered Santiago. Send him to Earth!

Sheridan: …but…what…I…

Clark: This can’t be, you know, mishandled in any way or like the guy escapes and also send all the transcripts and everything else about it and don’t tell anyone. That sounds legit, right?

Sheridan: …oh, this is not good.


Z’HA’DOOM

Shadows: OHAI NARNS.

Narns: NOPE


LEAGUE OF SUSPICIOUS COINCIDENCES

Na’Toth: They totally got blown up. Accident with the jump engines. And they can’t send any more ships.

G’Kar: But how could the Death Spiders have found out about the attack, no one knew but…

Sheridan: Are you implying Londo, who acts shady enough as it is, is in league with Evil Death Spiders?

G’Kar: *sigh*

Lennier: Ambassador Delenn is back.

Sheridan: Awesome. Let her in!

Delenn walks in wearing a giant hood over her face. She lifts the hood to reveal SHE IS NOW HOT.

Sheridan: *goofy grin*

Londo: WHAT.

G’Kar: HELLOOOO NURSE!

Delenn: Since Sinclair is our homeboy and all, I changed into a part human so we can all be friends and not blow each other up anymore.

Sheridan: *continues to stare goofily*

Kosh: Lol.


EVEN MORE BACKSTORY

Sheridan: My jaw fell, and I think G’Kar was drooling.

Lizzie: SWEET.

Sheridan: This day has been crazy.

Lizzie: It’s going to get crazier. I brought a message Anna had sent me. It will help with your angst problem.

In the message, Anna looks like she has come straight out of Southern 80’s Hell. She becomes very very different looking by Season 3, most likely due to Shadow interference, or something.

Anna: I had already decided to take this job on the Icarus so it’s all good. Also, this creepy guy with a salesman grin said something about “love knows no borders”. Totally not related, I’m sure.


LOOK MORE CONSPIRACIES

Ivanova: BTW the Evil Second-in-Command was transferred to an Earthforce ship that isn’t registered. Also Clark isn’t taking any calls for some mysteriously evil reason.

Sheridan: Oh, come on, I just got here! Can’t I have one day without a conspiracy? Seriously?

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