A message comes to
5 for Captain Sheridan.
Ivanova: Can I call you Swamp Rat just like Captain Maynard?
Ivanova: Captained by “Stinky”. Who came up with these cheesy nicknames?
THE CORRIDOR EVERYONE USES FOR IMPORTANT CONVERSATIONS
Maynard: Very mysterious. Is that a Minbari with hair?
Sheridan: That’s Ambassador Delenn.
Maynard: …is she single?
HAVE WE MENTIONED GARIBALDI IS ITALIAN?
Garibaldi: I want unhealthy food, dammit. UNHEALTHY FOOD.
Garibaldi: But…but the bagna cauda.
Franklin: Isn’t that the most unhealthy thing the Italians have come up with, including Pizza Hut?
Garibaldi: Pizza Hut isn’t really Italian…
Franklin: Well anyways you can’t have any of that.
Garibaldi: BUT THE BAGNA CAUDA!
Franklin: Tough. Now I can force my diets IMEANFOODPLANS on everyone!
MAYNARD ACCIDENTALLIES SHERIDAN’S NEUROSES
Sheridan: So the Centauri and Narns were trying to kill each other, as usual; the Vorlon kept muttering mysterious things and drifting away, and if you asked him to explain he says something about “whoops time for tea catch you later”; the Minbari wouldn’t let me play their Minbari games, and Delenn was in a cocoon.
Sheridan: That was my first day at work.
Maynard: So I figured you would explore forever and not be strapped to a desk and be angsty through the episode.
IS THAT JAZZ MUSIC I HEAR?
Poor Red Shirt Keffer: So where next, Captain Stinky?
Maynard: Back to the Rim.
Ivanova: The creepy Rim of doom? Where mysterious things happen?
Maynard: Yes. Kind of like people saying something is living in hyperspace. Something which totally has nothing to do with Death Spiders.
HEY THAT CORRIDOR HAS A STAIRCASE NOW
Sheridan: Wait, were you serious, or were you trolling them?
Maynard: No, I saw SOMETHING. ON THE WING. I mean on the Rim. Something big and black and creepy.
Sheridan: Which is not a Death Spider.
Maynard: Damn straight.
Sheridan: Huh, G’Kar said something weird was out there too. Maybe we shouldn’t have laughed at him uproariously.
Franklin: Ivanova, you need to gain weight!
Franklin: This way your leg will get better quicker.
Ivanova: But I will become the expanding Russian frontier!
Franklin: Seriously, who is coming up with these jokes?
HYPERSPACE IS SCARY
Random Crew: So here’s the report about—DEAR SWEET LIONFISH WHY DID THAT RANDOMLY EXPLODE?
Commander: Looks like the EMP signal from who knows where but nothing to do with Death Spiders of course blew our navigation.
Maynard: Which means we can’t get a lock-on signal!
Commander: And you kids know what that means! We’re lost in hyperspace! Danger, Will Robinson, danger!
Lennier: Wait, what?
DR. FOODNAZI PART 2
Ivanova: Screw this foodplan diet thing whatsit.
Sheridan: Let’s switch food.
Garibaldi: HELLO CARBS.
Franklin: I see wat u do there.
Mayday message: We have no lock-on signal and we’re screwed. I repeat, WE ARE SCREWED.
Sheridan: Well, damn. Get the pilots ready.
Ivanova: But no one has been found lost in hyperspace before!
Sheridan: As I said, DAMN.
DR. FOODNAZI PART 3
Delenn: ANYWAYS. I heard that the Bagna Cauda were coming?
LAUNCHPAD, WHICH IS A PLACE AND NOT A DUCK
Keffer: Why…why is the camera zooming in on me like that? STOP ZOOMING IN ON ME! STOP IT!
Sheridan: Now the plan is that we’re going to link together until we reach the ship. It’s like lifeboats, recycled in space.
Ivanova: You go to bed.
Sheridan: You know Stinky there was my first commanding officer. Odd, huh?
Ivanova: Yeah. Especially if you called each other those stupid names. But let’s all calm down for now, eh?
Sheridan: Oh fine. I’ll wait to angst.
Keffer: I have the signal!
Commander: Great! Nothing terrible will happen, I’m sure.
Shadows: LOL HI
Keffer’s ship: *is almost dead*
Keffer: Here, guys, I’ll fire in the direction you need to go. DAMN YOU CAMERA ZOOM OF DEATH!
Corwin: They’re back!
Sheridan: I suggest we all get drunk now! But where are the commander and Keffer He Who Is Doomed?
Sheridan: Well, damn. Let’s all take a moment of silence for the WB’s favorite hotshot pilot.
DR. FOODNAZI PART 4
Orwell: Took you long enough! I got the bagna cauda.
Garibaldi: Oh sweet nectar of the gods…
Franklin: Well, Mr. Obvious Shout-Out, I figured you were the only smuggler who could find all the ingredients for bagna cauda.
Orwell: I’ll…I’ll just go over here…
Garibaldi: It’s for my birthday. My dad used to cook it for me.
Franklin: That’s deeply heartwarming. Let’s eat it together.
Garibaldi: HELL YES.
DELENN TALKS ABOUT THE UNIVERSE SOME MORE
Delenn: Hello Captain.
Delenn: I’m sorry for the terrible loss of He Who Is Doomed. But don’t worry, the Universe knows what it’s doing.
Sheridan: You talk about the Universe a lot.
Delenn: It’s my BFF.
Sheridan: *hoverhands her arm*
Computer: Still no lock-on signal. You’re dead in about half an hour.
Keffer: I’ll miss you computer.
Shadows: OHAI KEFFER.
Keffer: Follow that spider!
Keffer: Hey I’m back. I followed a creepy spider thing.
Audience: OH GOD IF HE FOLLOWED THEM THEY’RE RIGHT THERE.
KEFFER HAS A REASON FOR HIS EXISTENCE NOW
Keffer: Farewell Commander Gallus. I’ll beat up those spiders. Those things were creepy.
Maynard: Yeah, tell me about it.
Keffer: I want to find out what it is. I’m sure it will not end terribly for me.
Ivanova: That’s fine, but you get to lead the squadron now. And where’s Garibaldi, anyone know?
BUT SERIOUSLY BAGNA CAUDA IS AMAZING
Franklin: BAGNA CAUDA IS THE NECTAR OF THE GODS.
YET ALL WE CAN THINK ABOUT IS THE HAIR
Ivanova: We’re all BFFs.
Sheridan: Did you and Delenn have a hair party or something? Your hair looks oddly like hers.
Ivanova: WELP TIME TO GO BYE CAPTAIN.