Ivanova: Looks like a ship with one of those stupid “we come in peace” messages.
ON THE SOAP BOX
Amis: Judgment is here! We’re all doomed and evil things are coming! Evil bad things! Hi G’Kar, do you want to hear about the evil?
Amis: You look like someone who would be enthralled to evil!
Sheridan: Huh, looks like one of those old crappy ships from 100 years ago, when we sent people out in cryo units to talk to aliens and hope they don’t shoot at us in rage.
Garibaldi: Like the Minbari?
FRANKLIN FOUND ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND, ONCE THEY THAW HER OUT
Ivanova: Cryo freezers!
Garibaldi: This guy’s definitely dead.
Franklin: BUT THERE’S A LIVE HOT GIRL IN THIS ONE HELL YES.
AND NOW FOR YOUR DAILY BABYLON 5 ANVIL DROP
Amis: I had the most terrible dream! In space!
Token Japanese Guy: Stupid lurkers being crazy and stuff.
Garibaldi: He’s having PTSD!
Token Japanese Guy: …I’m sorry for being anvilicious chief.
Garibaldi: Just don’t do it again. God knows we have enough anvils around here.
THEY MEANT TO JUST TAKE A KIDNEY
Franklin: Looks like the guy’s organs got taken.
Garibaldi: I’ll talk to the woman.
Franklin: She was in stasis, and do you really think she would steal someone’s organs?
Garibaldi: Maybe she worked for Repo.
A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE REVELATIONS
Mariah: We were on a long-term deep space mission to go talk to aliens. It was epic. So how long were we out?
Mariah: Holy Space Squid!! Where’s my husband?
Franklin: UHHH…he kind of died…
Mariah: SWEET CLOVEN SUNFISH!
DOES G’KAR HAVE MENTAL PLOT POWERS OR WHAT?
Mariah: This is awesome! Aliens, aliens everywhere!
Franklin: Yeah, just a few years after you left we got jumpgate technology. You also missed several wars. We beat up the evil Dilgar and the Minbari were just kind of weird.
G’Kar: Hello Hot Girl.
Mariah: This is cool!
G’Kar: The future sucks, basically.
Evil Thing: *hovers over cryo tube*
Mariah: That’s not sketchy.
Franklin: So what was your terrible violent dream, since your husband was murdered?
Mariah: WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN
Franklin: So, wanna make out?
THE CLOUDCUCKOOLANDER IS ALWAYS RIGHT
Garibaldi: Your food is moving.
Drazi: I know, right? Want some?
Amis: The Soldier of Darkness is here!
Garibaldi: Bully for you. What are we talking about?
Amis: The Evil Thing came from the ship. It did the same thing during the war. It’s like EVULLLL.
I THINK HE WAS WAVING AT IT? MAYBE?
Alien: O HAI CREEPY THING I CAN HAZ FRIENDSH—
Garibaldi: So Amis the Crazy Guy had his entire post taken out by something evil. The ship passed by the moon where that post was. Maybe Mariah is possessed by something evil.
Sheridan: I don’t care if you’re sleeping with her, Franklin, I want her watched. And the League of Idiots has started whining.
LEAGUE OF ARBITRARY SKEPTICISM
Markab: She brought a soldier of darkness! The evil thing that works for the evil Darkness! And now all the evil things are being called back.
G’Kar: We should consider that since evil things are happening on the Rim and all.
Sheridan: So the Evil Things are awake calling other Evil Things to their Evil Planet on the Evil Rim?
Londo: This is boring. And way too relevant to my life. Farewell.
Markab: We’ll deal with the problem then!
Sheridan: Soldiers of Darkness can’t possibly exist though, no more than Death Spiders.
G’Kar: YOU’D LIKE TO THINK THAT WOULDN’T YOU.
SUPERNATURAL, STARRING GARIBALDI AND AMIS
Amis: It was right there. It looked like the past.
Garibaldi: That makes sense. Quick! Something puttering about!
It’s only some random guy, who runs away screaming.
Amis: But…but it was there…COME GET ME EVIL THING I PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!
Garibaldi: We had a guy during the war that told us the perimeter was weak but we checked and laughed about it but then when someone actually came to attack us they actually succeeded. Kind of sucked. So crazy people can be right too! What happened to you guys?
Amis: The evil thing came through the walls and began slurping up organs.
Garibaldi: That’s disgusting.
Amis: It was a big creepy thing of doom. And it left me alive so it could snack on me every so often.
Garibaldi: That’s also disgusting.
Amis: It established a telepathic linky-thing and I think it’s looking for me. So I’m gonna go find it now.
Garibaldi: I, wait…you can’t…that’s not…aww, Dammit.
WHEN INTERNET MEMES ATTACK
Garibaldi: The listening post wasn’t attacked by Minbari even if official reports say it was.
Sheridan: So we’re being hunted by an invisible organ stealing being?
Garibaldi: I think I saw a YouTube series like that once.
WHO YA GONNA CALL?
They keep finding dead guys, or at least wounded guys. It’s not particularly encouraging.
Garibaldi: Yo Amis—DEAR GOD WHY ARE YOU DANGLING IN MID AIR SUSPENDED BY NOTHING?
Sheridan: I shoot at you too evil thing!
It does basically nothing.
Ivanova: That’s your plan?
Amis: I’ll be the bait or it won’t come out. Yo evil thing!
The Soldier of Darkness KICKS AMIS, but then people shoot at him. He looks like a giant gremlin, FYI. And then it dies.
WELL THAT’S IT FOR THE MINOR CHARACTERS
Mariah: I think I’ll go back to Earth.
Ivanova: So I found out something terrifying.
Sheridan: Oh God.
Ivanova: When it passed by that moon base the ship lost some oxygen. And then it altered the course.
Sheridan: Where did it alter course? *sigh*
Ivanova: Z’Ha’Dum, the Evil Planet on the Evil Rim.
Sheridan: WELL OF COURSE.
G’KAR CONTINUES TO RESEARCH THE PLOT
G’Kar: *looks at picture of Soldier of Darkness…ON AN INVISIBLE UNICYCLE*