Monday, March 31, 2014

Movie Review: It (1927)

Do you have It?



No, no not that It! Not that It!

We’re talking about “It”. That indefinable something that draws people to you and makes you utterly attractive.

Hugh Laurie has "It" and IT! Ha...ha...yeah.


NO. NOT IT.

To put it bluntly, sex appeal. This was quite a popular idea back in the 1920’s, so much that a concept film was made based around it.

It follows the amusing antics of a young shop girl, Betty Lou Spence, played by Clara Bow. Simultaneously flirty yet innocent, she falls in love with her wealthy employer Cyrus Waltham, Jr., and, unlike the majority of heroines in movies of that time, deliberately pursues him. The course of true love seems to run smooth, but obstacles arise in the form of Cyrus’ goofy friend, ice queen girlfriend, and Betty Lou’s busybody neighbors.


Something I like about silent films is how much more emphasis is placed on showing emotion in body language, gestures, and facial features. While sometimes these can be overemphasized and become silly, the actors in It are good at subtle and complex. It’s a short and delightful little film.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

I watched Catching Fire tonight




More when I'm not so emotionally devastated.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Photo Saturday! Where's Waldo, the Deer Edition



I went for a walk at Scott County Park, but every time I tried a different trail this same deer was here. By this point it was looking at me with great suspicion. I explained I only had a camera, but apparently the deer doesn't like paparazzi either.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Book Review: Dexter's Final Cut by Jeff Lindsay

     I was super excited to see Jeff Lindsay had written another Dexter book. When it finally came in to the library, I read through it in less than a week. I have only one emotion regarding this book now.



     What…what just happened? Seriously, did Jeff Lindsay finally have a mental breakdown?

     I really don’t know how to describe the book without being spoileriffic, so I’m going to be spoileriffic.

     We start out with Dexter being his usual snarky self, dealing with Rita’s half-finished sentences, Astor’s Preteen Raeg, and Cody’s just there with his neatly beheaded action figures. All seems set up for another fantastic and quirky run through Dexter’s mind.

     Then a film crew shows up to shadow the Miami PD for their cop show set in Miami. For some bizarre reason, Dexter and Debs are the ones chosen to do this, just as murdered and mutilated women start popping up around the area. Okay, so Dexter has a hanger-on to deal with along with finding the murderer. We can do this.

     Then a pretty actress shows up, so Dexter snatches the Idiot Ball from the police department and refuses to let go of it for the rest of the story. The Dark Passenger, presumably overwhelmed by the weight of the Idiot Ball, goes silent for almost the entire book and appears to just give up by the end. Even demonic entities think it’s all getting quite silly.

     To sum it up, Dexter starts falling in love-ish with the actress which makes him do very stupid things and miss very very obvious things, and by the end he can’t figure a way out of the huge mess that’s been made and we leave him and Astor sitting and waiting for the police to arrive and possibly arrest Dexter for several murders he didn’t commit. Cody is never mentioned, so I’m guessing he packed up his beheaded figurines and took off wherever the Dark Passenger went.

     This was a deeply disappointing possible ending. There was always the implication that Dexter might finally be caught one day; but there was also the implication that he might have gone on quite happily to the end of his days, violently cleaning up the streets of Miami. Furthermore, everyone acted so incredibly out of character that these people were hardly recognizable. The only explanation that possibly makes sense to me is that Jeff Lindsay was so disgusted with how the TV series progressed that he wrote a book deconstructing everything they did. (I mean, the premise was the filming of a cop show in Miami, with the main characters being a tough lady cop and her bloodwork sidekick.)

          Ah, well. I guess it could be worse. I mean, what’s the weirdest possible ending for Dexter? He becomes a lumberjack or someth—

A thousand Monty Python jokes immediately spawned into being.



CURSES.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Book Review: The Gentleman's Daughter by Amanda Vickery

For many people, the late 1700’s to early 1800’s is a dark place for women. While they certainly didn’t have many of the privileges we do today, Amanda Vickery shows how women carved out a place for themselves.

Vickery focuses on the genteel middle class, drawing her ideas from several different letter collections. She details the various areas of life that especially interested women and shows that women were more than just “decoration” for the home. In the middle class, women really did have a full time job managing the household. Remember, they were essentially managers for their own business, with employees, a.k.a. servants, under their supervision . Even though there was rarely any formal education available, women still had to be intelligent enough to manage the finances of the household, make sure servants weren’t cheating them, and in some cases, selling their own product (one woman was locally famous for her jams and jellies).

Marriage was also a very sober affair for women. While we see many examples of perfectly happy, wonderful couples (one couple seemed delightful-they clearly enjoyed the use of endearing insults and the husband makes it clear how much he relies on his wife), there was also the darker side. Several poor women who thought to marry for love wound up with abusers, and one’s own family members didn’t want to get involved. Marriage was also very much a financial affair. In one case it took years for two families to come to an agreement regarding the different fortunes. You can certainly see the influence of these ideas in Austen’s juvenilia The Three Sisters, a rather dark little tale of the eponymous sisters arguing over whether or not they would marry the hideous old guy, depending on how much money and how many benefits they would get. The problems with both approaches to marriage are very clearly shown here.

One attitude that particularly struck me was the “stiff upper lip” attitude. It was common to not only write condolences during a tragedy, but also to advise keeping one’s emotions in check. This may due in part to the higher rate of death, particularly among children. Grief was normal, but daily duties had to go on. It was not only tragedies that mentioned this-strange as it seems, post-partum depression was common knowledge, and women wrote back and forth with different advice as to how to deal with it.


While there were some parts that betrayed the author’s bias (in particular, she believes disgust at sex with someone you do not have an emotional connection to was socially constructed as a way to “keep the wimminz at home”), it was overall very informative and interesting.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Parody 5: S1, E13: Signs and Foreshadowing

ALL COMPUTERS ARE TROLLS

Computer: It’s 4:30! Isn’t that great!

Ivanova: SHUT UP.


PLOTPOINT

Guard: I need your ID.

Morden the Smarmy Salesman: It’s old, I was on…THE RIM.
*JARRING CHORD*

Guard: You didn’t notice any spidery things, did you?

Morden: NOPE NOT AT ALL.


ANOTHER PLOTPOINT

Mr. Reno: I brought the plotpoint.

Londo: Oh good. Look at this beautiful Eye! It belonged to the first emperor.

Reno: It’s ugly.

Londo: Screw you. How’d you get this?

Reno: A wizard did it.

Morden: *creeps on them all*


SYMBOLISM REGARDING HUMANS DEALING WITH EVERYONE’S IDIOCY

Londo: You don’t have to push that button.

G’Kar: So.

Londo: Sucks to be your people who are starving.

G’Kar: It’s your fault.

Guy in Middle: …

Londo: Oh, you can decrease the surplus population!

G’Kar: I’ll surplus your population!

Guy In Middle: HATE DICKENS G2G BAI GUYZ. *flees onto elevator*

Londo: …

G’Kar: …

Londo: …”Surplus your population”?

G’Kar: I was under pressure, okay?


BONE BAG

G’Kar: Wait, who let you show up?

Morden: T’Pain of the First Circle. It’s cause you’re so special. So…what do you want?

G’Kar: What.

Morden: No, really.

G’Kar: Well, I would like to annihilate the Centauri. And I’d like their bones. In a bone bag, actually.

Morden: Just the bone bag?

G’Kar: Just the bone bag.

Morden: Whatever G’Kar. Bone bags are too mainstream.

G’Kar: …what just happened?


Meanwhile, in the Zocalo, Londo meets an important Centauri lady who starts chanting about fire and death and passes out. This is a fairly normal occurrence on Babylon 5.


FORESHADOWING GEDDIT GEDDIT

Ladira: I’m okay, just freaked out a bit. I need to lie down. *brbcryingforever*

Kiro: Don’t worry about it. She keeps saying I’m going to be killed by Shadows! Lol!

Londo: Lol!

Kiro: So let’s see that, uh, plotpoint. I just want to look at it and nothing else whatsoever.

They leave, only to be stalked by a Raider.

Raider: Bluebird One to Little Chief, the fish are out of water!


DON’T MESS WITH SPACE ELVES

Delenn is building a crystal house of cards thing that does Minbari Magic, and Morden is being smarmy again.

Delenn: So you’re asking everyone “what do you want”? That’s vaguely creepy, actually.

A triangle then begins glowing on her head, Morden gets covered in shadow, and it’s all so, so metaphorical.

Morden: Uh…is there a prob—

Delenn: GTFO CREEPERS.

Morden: k


ZOCALO

Raider: Blue Bird One to Little Chief, the eagle has flown! I repeat, the eagle has flown!

Radio: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Raider: Ivanova left to find the others.

Radio: Well thank God!

Meanwhile, Kosh’s ship arrives, and he goes down the hall.

Morden: KOSH WE’RE INSIDE YOUR HOUSE.

Kosh: Must…ignore…spiders…


THIS GOES ON…

Morden: Ohai Londo. We had an appointment.

Londo: What do you want?

Morden: What do you want?

Londo: …This is silly.

Morden: …it’s a job. I get paid in hair gel.

Londo: Fine, I want Centauri Prime to be great again! And we’ll be awesome FOREVER.

Morden: That is so new and inventive! You tell those sell-outs!



RAIDING PARTY!

Raiders: Reach for the skies! And give me that ugly Eye!

The Raider promptly takes the Eye. And takes Londo, Kiro, and Ladira hostage.

Raider: Blue Bird One to Little Chief, the package is secure. I repeat—

Radio: WOULD YOU STOP THAT?


C&C

Sinclair: Hey, Ivanova, what’s going on?

Ivanova: I’m chasing the Raiders. We’re going to beat them up.

Sinclair: Get back here! Anyways, Corwin, what ships are here?

Corwin: Some rich Centauri people are here. Their ship is in Bay 12.

Sinclair: To Bay 12!


BAY 12

Sinclair: Londo, there are Raiders.

Raider: BOTHER ME AND I KEEL LORD KIRO. We’re leaving!

Sinclair: Go on, then. Garibaldi, kill the engines on that ship. Don’t worry we’ll keep them from getting through.

Ladira: But the Shadows…!


C&C

Sinclair: Okay Garibaldi. Shoot at them.

Corwin: Dude, someone’s coming in Sector 3.

Sinclair: Huh. A giant Raider ship. That explains our secondary plotpoint well.

The Raiders get ready to attack a freaking space station, which is pretty ballsy if you ask me, and Garibaldi continues to go after the Raider and his BFF Kiro.


SQUID VS. SPIDER WOULD MAKE A GOOD B-MOVIE

Morden: Do they have to shake the whole station…? Ohai Kosh.

Kosh: GTFO SPIDERS. Oh, and you too Eighties McSmarmpants.

Morden: D-:<

Meanwhile, in space, the Centauri ship lands on the Giant Raider Ship and flees into the night.


SUM UP ALL THE STUPID

Garibaldi: Nothing big happened, although somehow Kosh’s encounter suit got damaged.

Kosh: DAMN SPIDERS.

Garibaldi: But the Raiders don’t have their little fighters now. So maybe they’ll go away forever.

Sinclair: So, Ladira. Why were the Raiders after you?

Ladira: Excuse me, I’m going to read your coffee grounds.

Sinclair: …great.


WELL THIS IS GOING TO SUCK

Kiro: That was brilliant!

Raider: Put him in the brig lol. We can’t overthrow the Centauri government. Idiot. So now we can ransom you and the Eye! It’ll be great.

Kiro: I…adda…wibba…

Suddenly a Giant Spider Alarm goes off.

Shadows: LOLHI.

*blows up ship*

Sinclair’s Pad

Ladira: *spazfaintcoffeedrop*


STRANGER DANGER

Morden: Ohai Londo. I have a present from your new bros. Kthxbai.

Londo: Whatever. It’s probably some shirt that says “I Survived Giant Spiders”.

He opens the box, and finds…

Londo: The Eye! Hey, Salesman, get back here! WE HAVE TO GET DRUNK TOGETHER! WE’RE BROS FOR LIFE!

Morden’s Disembodied Cheesy Voice: We’ll find you when we want to get drunk.


WELL THAT’S NOT CREEPY AT ALL

Ladira: Sinclair, I had a vision that this place was destroyed. Would you like to see it?

Sinclair: Uh…

Ladira telepathizes or something, and we see a ship leaving just as the station explodes.

Sinclair: Is this what will be, or what might be?

Ladira: The Mirror shows only those things that have not yet come to pass.

Sinclair: …SOMEONE FIND ME THE SCRIPT.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Movie Review: Toy Story 3

It happens to every kid one day. They grow up, and suddenly, what do you do with all these toys?

Besides the obvious.


Thus, the premise of Toy Story 3. Andy is off to college, and must find some place to put all his old toys. He can’t quite bear to part with them, and plans to store them in the attic for the time being. Due to a wacky mix-up, however, the bag gets taken to the curb, where the toys escape to a local daycare.

However, upon arrival, they find the daycare is not all its cracked up to be. You know, with small children chewing on everything they can find. They want to leave, but it appears someone at the daycare doesn’t want them to.

This is a nice little end to the Toy Story series. It has that bittersweet feel that “end of childhood” movies tend to have, while still coming up with a unique plot.


Also, it was totally based on the Holocaust. Totally.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Book Review: The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

I mentioned in my Frankenstein review that The Picture of Dorian Gray was doing a better job of depicting a person’s descent into evil. I still stand by that opinion. The slow, complex development of what the naively innocent Dorian Gray becomes is both saddening and horrifying.

Dorian Gray starts out as a young man who has been sitting for Basil Hallward, a famous artist who is clearly besotted with the young man. (Let’s face it-the entire first chapter is Basil and Lord Henry fighting over Dorian. Yes, this was used in Oscar Wilde’s trial.) But after introducing Dorian to Lord Henry, and exposing him to Lord Henry’s cynical, amoral ideas, Dorian makes a slow, steady descent into evil, starting with his selfish rejection of his actress girlfriend.

Wilde depicts Dorian as being initially innocent, but I think it goes beyond innocence. Dorian is a blank slate. He has no ideas of his own, and is simply drifting along through life, enjoying being an idle young man. His exposure to Lord Henry’s ideas do not make him his own man-he makes Lord Henry’s philosophy his own, and simply carries it to its natural conclusion.

The actual impetus of the plot is never truly explained, which I think places this novel firmly into “weird fiction” territory. Dorian makes an idle wish that he could retain his beauty and his portrait by Basil carry all his age and sin. Somehow, this wish becomes reality. The subtlety with which it begins is what makes this so horrifyingly realistic. It starts out merely with the portrait’s facial expression, but by the time Dorian has lived years in every kind of depravity, it shows.  And Dorian himself is horrified. But, rather than make the changes necessary, he chooses instead to hide away his portrait and turn a blind eye to the consequences of his actions. By the end, even his attempts to “make amends” are still more about himself (as Lord Henry points out) than about other people.


It is certainly a dark novel, but also a very fascinating one. It looks into the psychology of humanity without holding back, showing both our justifications for our actions (“I’ve already messed up, might as well go all the way!”) and the inherent selfishness in many of our actions.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Introducing Photo Saturday...

Because Photo Friday is alliterative and far too predictable.

So, to explain the obvious, I'll post a picture I've taken that isn't fuzzy. Taking non-fuzzy pictures is harder than it looks.

Since it's almost spring, and we're all REALLY REALLY INCREDIBLY SICK OF WINTER, here's one of Mom's pretty irises.


Sunday, March 16, 2014

Parody 5: S1, E12: By Any Paper Rustling Necessary

C&C

Ivanova has to juggle a dozen ships at once. A Narn complains, because they have special stuff for G’Kar. This “special stuff” is not explained, which probably raises more than a few eyebrows.

Meanwhile, in the docking bay…

Delvientos: The doors won’t open and there’s another ship!

Narn: I think I’ll start my engines inside! It’s legit.

Delvientos: There’s a fire! And people are going to die! THEY’RE GOING TO DIE A LOT!

Ivanova: I hate my life.

Delvientos’ brother Alberto, who is only here to give Delvientos extra angst, naturally dies.


SO MUCH

Connally the Union Lady: ONE OF OUR GUYS DIED.

Sinclair: I’m not trying to blame people.

G’Kar: I am!

Garibaldi: WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MUCH CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT?

Commlink: Hidoshi wants to discuss the new lower budget that will totally not cause Union problems!

Sinclair: *headdesk*


BLACKMAIL!

Londo: Looking for your G’Quan Eth flower? After it got blown up with your ship right?

G’Kar: SHUT UP LONDO JUST SHUT UP

Na’Toth: I found out there’s one person here who has a flower. Londo.

G’Kar: WHAT.

Londo: LAWLZ.

G’Kar: WHY UNIVERSE HATE G’KAR?


C&C

Hidoshi: Sorry no bigger budget.

Sinclair: Dude, someone DIED.

Hidoshi: The experts say you should be fine.

Sinclair: The experts can go—

Hidoshi: Yes?

Sinclair: NOTHING.

Ivanova: We have a problem. Again. The dockworkers have developed Blue Flu.


DOCKING BAY

Garibaldi: Hi. Sinclair wants to talk.

Connally: Oh, he’s just a military guy. It’s not like he’s had to go through anything bad, such as being tortured or watching all his comrades die horribly. He’s not like us.

Garibaldi: Wait, are we supposed to sympathize with you? Let me check my script.

Connally: >:-(


NEGOTIATIONS! PART 1

Sinclair: Look, they have to go back to work or the Senate will invoke…the Rush Act.
*paper rustle*

Connally: We can’t return to work because people might die, and also I have Daddy Issues.

Sinclair: Not again!


MOAR BLACKMAIL!

G’Kar: Hi Londo, where did you hide the flower? Which I was totally just guarding and nothing more.

Londo: Yeah and you need that flower for your G’Quan Christmas, right?

G’Kar: Yeah. Yeah. So, I’ll buy it, right?

Londo: Nah. I’m saving it. See, mixing the seeds with alcohol makes it LSD! But since we’re just such good friends you can totally give me fifty thousand.

G’Kar: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU—


ZOCALO

Zento: I’m so smarmy, am I not?

Sinclair: Yes, yes you are.

Zento: Now, I’ll need to meet with Connally and talk to Garibaldi in case I have to invoke…THE RUSH ACT.
*paper rustle*


TROLLING!

G’Kar: I have the money.

Londo: That’s nice. But I’m not selling any more TROLLOLOL.


G’KAR HAS A PLAN

G’Kar: DESTROY THINGS!

Na’Toth: I was drinking that.

G’Kar: …you’re not big on this festival, right?

Na’Toth: I’m an agnostic Episcopalian.

G’Kar: What.

Na’Toth: Anything else you can do?

G’Kar: I have a Plan A for me, and Plan B for you.

Na’Toth: SWEET.


DOCKING BAY

Zento: The experts think you’ll be fine.

Delvientos: And did any of them actually do this job?

Zento: I’ll invoke THE RUSH ACT.
*paper rustle*

Sinclair: Look, why don’t we go take a nap and have cookies.


I GOT 99 PROBLEMS BUT A STRIKE AIN’T ONE

Zento: The workers are striking!

G’Kar: Sinclair, Londo won’t give me my magic flower!

Sinclair: Zento, just don’t…talk anymore. G’Kar…I’ll go figure something out.


FABULOUS!

Sinclair: Just give him the damn flower already.

Londo: I’m too busy wearing a pink robe to give him the flower!


NEGOTIATIONS 2

Sinclair: Can’t we just freaking get along? Look, I’ve gone over the budget and…

Zento: Never.

Connally: Never.

Zento: RUSH ACT. NAO.
*paper rustle*

Connally: Well, this is going to suck.

Sinclair: Oh yeah.


IVANOVA IS SCARY

Ivanova: Look, I know you’ve been waiting forever but…

80’s Hair: I’m back to annoy you! What’s with the Rush Act?

Londo: G’Kar stole the statue of my god.

G’Kar: Nope.

80’s Hair: How about this can you talk about this?

Sinclair: GTFO MY BRIDGE NOW.

Ivanova: I’M COUNTING TO TEN.

Londo, G’Kar, 80’s Hair: *flees*

Sinclair: Ivanova, I want to see the Senate order. I have some holes to loop.


THE UNION IS ALWAYS RIGHT

Garibaldi: Delvientos punched me.

Connally: Lol so?

Garibaldi: Are you asking me to disobey a Senate order? WHY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SYMPATHIZE WITH YOU?

Zento: What’s going on?

Sinclair: I WANT YOU BOTH IN THE DOCKING BAY OR I AM GOING TO LOSE IT!


LOOP ALL THE HOLES!

Sinclair: So we can use any means necessary to end the strike? That’s THE RUSH ACT?
*paper rustle*

Sinclair: Stop rustling those damn papers already!

Rush Limbaugh: NEVARRR.

Zento: Yes, you can use any means necessary.

Sinclair: Fine. Some of our military budget goes to the dock workers. And amnesty for you guys.

Zento: WHAT.

Workers: YAY SINCLAIR! BOO SMARMY PANTS!

Delvientos: Back to work, guys!

Sinclair: Can you feel the love in this room?

Zento: I WANTED A FIGHT DAMMIT.

Sinclair: GTFO.

Commlink: G’Kar and Londo are fighting again.

Sinclair: …dammit.


EVEN MOAR BLACKMAIL

Sinclair: Look, G’Kar, return Londo’s freaky “tentacled” idol. Oh, by the way Londo I found out you’re basically using hallucinogens. It has to be used only for medical and religious purposes. You have to turn it over to me.

Londo: FINE.

G’Kar: It’s too late for the ceremony.

Sinclair: But wouldn’t the time on your planet be different here? So the sunlight that hit the mountain ten years ago would get here tomorrow. So you can totally still do the ceremony!

G’Kar: You’re good at these loopholes, aren’t you?


Sanctuaaaaary

G’Kar does his ceremony with the special flower, and somehow has turned the room red. Clearly it’s Narn magic.



A/N: I've noticed that whenever Rush Limbaugh gets really worked up over something, he rustles the papers on his desk. I don't know what exactly this does, but it's apparently super-important.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

100 Themes Challenge: Mother Nature

     She first arrived when the water came. There was no light, no sound, only the never-ending water. It was peaceful for her. She lay in the water and floated, enjoying the feeling of it against herself. She was in the water; she was the water.
     Then, one day, she could see the water. She did not know how, only that suddenly everything was quite bright. It was delightful to her, to see what she had floated in for so long. Even when the light dimmed, she could still see. After a while, she noticed something above her, that looked like another ocean.
     She continued to float, and sometimes swim. Then she bumped into something that wasn’t water. She felt it; it was hard and dry. She pulled herself out of the water, feeling the hard, dry stuff beneath her hands and feet. Some of it was looser, and she felt it scratch between her toes. She laughed, delighted by this new sensation. As she walked along, she noticed other things-they were solid too, but different. Some of it was rough to the touch, and some of it slick-and so colorful when there was light! Greens and reds and blues like the ocean and sky. Some of the things smelled so wonderful, and there were whole fields of these things. She loved to sit among them and enjoy the smell and the feel. Some of the things also were large and round-she saw one sitting on the ground, broken, and licked at the juice coming out. It was sweet and wonderful, and she loved it as well.
     One day, when she looked up at the big ocean, she saw something strange. A large yellow sphere-the source of the light! At night, there was a smaller white sphere, and tiny lights sparkling all around. She would lie in the fields of flowers, becoming a part of them, and gaze up at the many lights. She thought she liked night best. It was peaceful.
     Then, upon looking up long enough, she saw something move across the sky. Something with long feathers, soaring around. She thought a moment, then lifted up to see this creature. There were so many of them, and they were making such beautiful sounds! Then she looked back down at the other ocean, and saw so many strange things jumping out of it, splashing the water as she loved to do! How wonderful!
     There were other things too, all kinds of creatures that liked to live on the hard, dry place called land. Some of them ate the colorful rough things, and licked the juice like she had done. She watched it all with fascination, loving this place.
     Then, one day, she saw them. They seemed like her, but solid. They did not blend in and out with the things around them. The creatures liked them too. Their strange bodies walked around on only two legs, so different from the other creatures. She sensed, too, that wonderful Presence she had known, with the two creatures always. There was such peace, such harmony, that she thought this must be the greatest achievement in the entire universe.

     She wondered how it all would end.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Book Review: Island 731 by Jeremy Robinson

Take the setting of Jurassic Park. Stir in some Island of Dr. Moreau, with a dash of WWII conspiracy theories. Add in a heaping dose of The Human Centipede, and a whole lot of hallucinogens.

You get a close approximation of this book.

The strange thing about it is that it was okay. It wasn’t wonderful. It wasn’t horrific. It wasn’t Twilight (that’s several steps lower than horrific, in the deepest circle of Hell). It was just…okay. But what it has going on is this crazy-insane-whatjusthappenedohGodohGodtheyhavegiantspiders premise.

To get the bad out of the way, the writing was decent, but the characters weren’t very fleshed out. You have the pretty, impulsive love interest. The manly hero who isn’t so masculine he bleeds testosterone. The sidekick comic relief. They’re okay, but not memorable.

The premise itself is the selling point for this book, and probably what will draw people in. To sum it up without being too spoilery, an island where the Japanese experimented on prisoners during WWII is still functioning, and the experiments are still going on. The inhabitants of the island are no longer entirely human, and the surviving crew members of the scientific exploration ship must find their companions before it is too late. To the author’s credit, he does make the scenarios seem fairly plausible, and he does well at the genuinely creepy moments in the book (CHESTBURSTERSPIDERSGAAAAHHHH).

So, I’m going to say this: go read it. Don’t expect anything great. But expect some crazy fun.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Parody 5: S1, E11: Survivors of Daddy Issues

Meanwhile, on Babylon 5…

ISN: The President is going to Babylon 5!
Garibaldi: I guess this means we should make sure we’re secure and nothing explodes.

Cobra Bay promptly explodes.


THAT MOVING MEETING ROOM AGAIN

Lianna: Hi Commander. I’m Lianna, here to secure Babylon 5 for the president and glare at Garibaldi over my Daddy Issues.

Sinclair: Seriously?


EVERYTHING AT ONCE

G’Kar: Why are the Narns sitting next to the Vree? That’s awkward. No one likes the Vree and their stupid flying saucers.

Sinclair: No one cares, G’Kar!

Dagool: *tries to steal credit chip*

Garibaldi: NOT AGAIN DAGOOL!

G’Kar: I DON’T LIKE THIS SEATING ARRANGEMENT!

Garibaldi: I punch you Dagool!

Sinclair: Knock it off, all three of you are…well, pretty isn’t the word.


BACKSTORY BAR

Sinclair: Okay, what’s going on?

Garibaldi: See, I worked security on Europa and I was the only not corrupt person there. Lianna’s Dad kept inviting me over so I would be sober. But then the Corrupt Cops blew him up. And I got blamed. And now Lianna, despite being aware I wasn’t involved, is still angry with me.

Sinclair: I swear, this station just draws in everyone with neuroses.


CAPTAIN WHAT HAPPENED

Nolan: Garibaldi set up us the bomb!

Lianna: I KNEW IT.

Franklin: I TOLD YOU NOT TO WAKE HIM UP. NOW HE’S DEAD.


QUESTIONING

Garibaldi: Oh for Daffy's sake, I can’t even go to my room? Look, I didn’t let your dad die.

Lianna: I HAVE DADDY ISSUES.

Cutter the Jerk Security Guy: There were bomb workings and schematics of the Cobra Bay and Centauri money in his room.

Lianna: Arrest him!

Garibaldi kicks him instead.


C&C

Ivanova: Garibaldi’s a fugitive?

Sinclair: What. Lianna, deal with your Daddy Issues.

Lianna: But I have presidential authority.

Sinclair: Ivanova, please, make her go away.

Ivanova: Lungs. Ripping. That’s right, you run away. You know, we need to make sure the communication channels are working. Let’s check them ALL AT ONCE. FOR LIKE THE ENTIRE DAY.


CASINO

Garibaldi: LONDO! Why was there Centauri money in my quarters?

Londo: Err…Narns! Narns took money from Ragesh 3!


IT’S STILL CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!

G’Kar: Ah, Garibaldi, the monitors seem to not have noticed you here and the guards are dreadfully busy elsewhere.

Garibaldi: Wait, how’d you know I was coming here?

G’Kar: Oh, I spy on Londo all the time. We spy on each other. In a completely heterosexual way. In fact, you can come to Narn and be a spy for your own government for us!

Garibaldi: WHY ARE YOU SUCH A JERK?


BATMANTIS

Garibaldi: Hi N’Grath. I need access to restricted sectors. I can pay.

N’Grath: Get out.

Garibladi: But I’m a fugitive right now.

N’Grath: GET OUT! AFJDLSAIWREFJDSLAJFSDLJ

N’Grath’s Guys: This goes on. For like an hour.

Guards: Aha!

A quick chase leads Garibaldi through a maintenance door and into some sketchy boiler room.

Dagool: OHAI.

Garibaldi: WHY UNIVERSE HATE GARIBALDI?

Garibaldi and Dagool kick each other, and then Dagool discovers the joy of swinging a chain around in circles. And then a couple of his buddies arrive.

Garibaldi: I’ll take you all on!

It doesn’t work. They beat on him, but then…

Sinclair: I WILL END YOU.

Seeing the Chosen One, they flee.

Garibaldi goes to the next room, where more guards are creeping about. He hides, and they don’t even notice because they’re too busy staring at the ceiling.

Guard: Ceiling Cat…?


FALL OFF ALL THE WAGONS

Garibaldi arrives at a bar, where he sits next to the Scarecrow. After giving him money to wear his hat briefly, the Scarecrow decides to go gamble his one dollar. Garibaldi proceeds to get drunk, and the Scarecrow gives away his location, in exchange for protection from the Batman.


GARIBALDI UNCOVERS THE PLOT WHILE DRUNK

Garibaldi: Look, let’s just stop it with the Daddy Issues!

Welch: I found a detonator and Home Guard stuff in Nolan’s quarters. Stuff that Garibaldi helped deal with before.

Garibaldi: That’s it! He didn’t know he set off the bomb earlier than he meant to and he got blown up.

Commlink: Everything fine? Prez can come on board?

Lianna: Go for it. Keep an eye on the bays, since they tend to BLOW UP.

Garibaldi: Cutter the Jerk Security Guy planted the evidence. Maybe you should double check those bays?

C&C

Ivanova: This speech is boring. Light up the middle of the station! It looks pretty. NO DON’T LOWER THE DISCO BALL.


CUTTER IS MORE OF A JERK THAN G’KAR, AND IT ISN’T EVEN CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Lianna: Let’s scan the bays now. Keep an eye on him.

Jerk Security Guy: *tases Lianna*

Garibaldi: I KICK YOUR GUN!

They get into an epic fight while Ivanova starts the countdown to launching the fighters of awesome.

Garibaldi: IT’S A TRAP!

Ivanova: Thanks Security Chief Akbar!

Computer: Just one second to go! If that isn't some sort of special plot device, I don't know what is.


THIS VERY SPECIAL PLOTPOINT BROUGHT TO YOU BY ISN

ISN: Santiago is being nice to aliens, which makes people mad. Totally not plot-relevant, I’m sure.

Friday, March 7, 2014

BEHOLD!

The unveiling of the New and Improved Blog! See how I used a Generic Blogger Template because my own pictures are "too big". (And yes, that is indeed what she said.)

Now, let us move on! Let us review as we have never reviewed before! Let us write as we have never written before! Let us--

*watches Entry 83*


Saturday, March 1, 2014

Interrupting construction to show you A Thing That Actually Happened



GUYS GUYS IT'S THE DOCTOR AND ROSE THE DOCTOR AND ROSE WERE ON MY LITTLE PONY LOOK AT IT GUYS LOOK

We return you to your regularly scheduled blog.