ALL COMPUTERS ARE TROLLS
Computer: It’s 4:30! Isn’t that great!
Ivanova: SHUT UP.
PLOTPOINT
Guard: I need your ID.
Morden the Smarmy Salesman: It’s old, I was on…THE RIM.
*JARRING CHORD*
Guard: You didn’t notice any spidery things, did you?
Morden: NOPE NOT AT ALL.
ANOTHER PLOTPOINT
Mr. Reno: I brought the plotpoint.
Londo: Oh good. Look at this beautiful Eye! It belonged to
the first emperor.
Reno: It’s ugly.
Londo: Screw you. How’d you get this?
Reno: A wizard did it.
Morden: *creeps on them all*
SYMBOLISM REGARDING HUMANS DEALING WITH EVERYONE’S IDIOCY
Londo: You don’t have to push that button.
G’Kar: So.
Londo: Sucks to be your people who are starving.
G’Kar: It’s your fault.
Guy in Middle: …
Londo: Oh, you can decrease the surplus population!
G’Kar: I’ll surplus your population!
Guy In Middle: HATE DICKENS G2G BAI GUYZ. *flees onto
elevator*
Londo: …
G’Kar: …
Londo: …”Surplus your population”?
G’Kar: I was under pressure, okay?
BONE BAG
G’Kar: Wait, who let you show up?
Morden: T’Pain of the First Circle. It’s cause you’re so special. So…what do
you want?
G’Kar: What.
Morden: No, really.
G’Kar: Well, I would like to annihilate the Centauri. And
I’d like their bones. In a bone bag, actually.
Morden: Just the bone bag?
G’Kar: Just the bone bag.
Morden: Whatever G’Kar. Bone bags are too mainstream.
G’Kar: …what just happened?
Meanwhile, in the Zocalo, Londo meets an important Centauri
lady who starts chanting about fire and death and passes out. This is a fairly
normal occurrence on Babylon 5.
FORESHADOWING
GEDDIT GEDDIT
Ladira: I’m okay, just freaked out a bit. I need to lie
down. *brbcryingforever*
Kiro: Don’t worry about it. She keeps saying I’m going to be
killed by Shadows! Lol!
Londo: Lol!
Kiro: So let’s see that, uh, plotpoint. I just want to look
at it and nothing else whatsoever.
They leave, only to be stalked by a Raider.
Raider: Bluebird One to Little Chief, the fish are out of
water!
DON’T MESS WITH SPACE ELVES
Delenn is building a crystal house of cards thing that does
Minbari Magic, and Morden is being smarmy again.
Delenn: So you’re asking everyone “what do you want”? That’s
vaguely creepy, actually.
A triangle then begins glowing on her head, Morden gets
covered in shadow, and it’s all so, so metaphorical.
Morden: Uh…is there a prob—
Delenn: GTFO CREEPERS.
Morden: k
ZOCALO
Raider: Blue Bird One to Little Chief, the eagle has flown!
I repeat, the eagle has flown!
Radio: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Raider: Ivanova left to find the others.
Radio: Well thank God!
Meanwhile, Kosh’s ship arrives, and he goes down the hall.
Morden: KOSH WE’RE INSIDE YOUR HOUSE.
Kosh: Must…ignore…spiders…
THIS GOES ON…
Morden: Ohai Londo. We had an appointment.
Londo: What do you want?
Morden: What do you
want?
Londo: …This is silly.
Morden: …it’s a job. I get paid in hair gel.
Londo: Fine, I want Centauri Prime to be great again! And
we’ll be awesome FOREVER.
Morden: That is so new and inventive! You tell those
sell-outs!
RAIDING PARTY!
Raiders: Reach for the skies! And give me that ugly Eye!
The Raider promptly takes the Eye. And takes Londo, Kiro,
and Ladira hostage.
Raider: Blue Bird One to Little Chief, the package is
secure. I repeat—
Radio: WOULD YOU STOP THAT?
C&C
Sinclair: Hey, Ivanova, what’s going on?
Ivanova: I’m chasing the Raiders. We’re going to beat them
up.
Sinclair: Get back here! Anyways, Corwin, what ships are
here?
Corwin: Some rich Centauri people are here. Their ship is in
Bay 12.
Sinclair: To Bay 12!
BAY 12
Sinclair: Londo, there are Raiders.
Raider: BOTHER ME AND I KEEL LORD KIRO. We’re leaving!
Sinclair: Go on, then. Garibaldi, kill the engines on that
ship. Don’t worry we’ll keep them from getting through.
Ladira: But the Shadows…!
C&C
Sinclair: Okay Garibaldi. Shoot at them.
Corwin: Dude, someone’s coming in Sector 3.
Sinclair: Huh. A giant Raider ship. That explains our
secondary plotpoint well.
The Raiders get ready to attack a freaking space station, which
is pretty ballsy if you ask me, and Garibaldi continues to go after the Raider
and his BFF Kiro.
SQUID VS. SPIDER WOULD MAKE A GOOD B-MOVIE
Morden: Do they have to shake the whole station…? Ohai Kosh.
Kosh: GTFO SPIDERS. Oh, and you too Eighties McSmarmpants.
Morden: D-:<
Meanwhile, in space, the Centauri ship lands on the Giant
Raider Ship and flees into the night.
SUM UP ALL THE STUPID
Garibaldi: Nothing big happened, although somehow Kosh’s
encounter suit got damaged.
Kosh: DAMN SPIDERS.
Garibaldi: But the Raiders don’t have their little fighters
now. So maybe they’ll go away forever.
Sinclair: So, Ladira. Why were the Raiders after you?
Ladira: Excuse me, I’m going to read your coffee grounds.
Sinclair: …great.
WELL THIS IS GOING TO SUCK
Kiro: That was brilliant!
Raider: Put him in the brig lol. We can’t overthrow the
Centauri government. Idiot. So now we can ransom you and the Eye! It’ll be
great.
Kiro: I…adda…wibba…
Suddenly a Giant Spider Alarm goes off.
Shadows: LOLHI.
*blows up ship*
Sinclair’s Pad
Ladira: *spazfaintcoffeedrop*
STRANGER DANGER
Morden: Ohai Londo. I have a present from your new bros.
Kthxbai.
Londo: Whatever. It’s probably some shirt that says “I
Survived Giant Spiders”.
He opens the box, and finds…
Londo: The Eye! Hey, Salesman, get back here! WE HAVE TO GET
DRUNK TOGETHER! WE’RE BROS FOR LIFE!
Morden’s Disembodied Cheesy Voice: We’ll find you when we
want to get drunk.
WELL THAT’S NOT CREEPY AT ALL
Ladira: Sinclair, I had a vision that this place was
destroyed. Would you like to see it?
Sinclair: Uh…
Ladira telepathizes or something, and we see a ship leaving
just as the station explodes.
Sinclair: Is this what will be, or what might be?
Ladira: The Mirror shows only those things that have not yet
come to pass.
Sinclair: …SOMEONE FIND ME THE SCRIPT.