Once upon a time, in the mid-90’s, people tried to bring Doctor Who back.
It didn’t work.
But darn, if the movie wasn’t cheesy fun.
It all begins when the Master is executed by the Daleks for his heinous crimes. Since the Daleks are terrible, presumably their idea of “heinous crimes” was making Dalek plushies and selling them. Anyways, the Master’s last request is that the Doctor take his ashes back to Gallifrey. The Doctor, ever the optimist, picks up the ashes, only for the Master to turn into a snake, leak out of the box, crash the TARDIS, and escape. The Doctor stumbles out of the TARDIS just in time to be shot by a gang.
He is taken to the hospital, where Grace Holloway attempts to do surgery and becomes the only companion to actually kill the Doctor. Yep. Stabs a needle in that other heart they all thought was a fluke on the X-ray. The Doctor regenerates in the morgue and busts down a steel door, forever traumatizing morgue guy. Just kidding! Morgue Guy is perfectly happy and well-adjusted later on in the movie.
Meanwhile, Chang Lee, the kid who is alive only because the TARDIS experienced a critical timing error, has snatched up the Doctor’s belongings and discovered the TARDIS key. The Master has possessed someone because he realized being a snake never helps, and convinces the poor idiot that the Doctor stole the TARDIS from him, and he totally is legit, can’t you tell by his hammy, evil acting?
"As you can see, Lee, I am the legitest person that was ever legit. Ever."
Grace has been fired, not because she killed a patient, but because she wants to study the two heart thing, and the hospital finds it embarrassing rather than "scientifically fascinating". She hops in her car only to find the Doctor waiting for her, very puzzled and not quite sure where he is, or who he is. He proves his identity by pulling the out the cardiac probe. At this point, Grace’s boyfriend has broken up with her for having a career (okay, she left their date to go to the hospital to do surgery, but she’s on call, you don’t get around that he wants her to risk her job for a date with him), so she takes the Doctor home, where her boyfriend has taken half of her furniture before leaving. Classy! Grace retaliates by giving the Doctor his shoes. The shoes, for the record, FIT PERFECTLY, which excites the Doctor enough to remember who he is. He snogs her and kicks off the trend of companion-snogging (is it just me, or is snog the greatest word ever?). Everyone is happy and smiles.
Fans rejoiced, and a thousand shipfics spontaneously generated.
Until the Master gets Lee to open the Eye of Harmony, because it will only open for a human retina, because the writers decided to make the Doctor half human, a plot point that has been shoved off into a dark corner and told to think about what it’s done. The Eye is going to suck all of Earth into it. Hooray! The Doctor spazzes and babbles about an atomic clock, prompting Grace to forget the epic snog and call an ambulance. The ambulance driven by Lee and containing the Master.
The Master spits like a snake, the Doctor and Grace escape on a motorcycle, and we have to have one of those stupid party scenes where someone in a mask turns to randomly stare at the camera for no reason whatsoever. (Seriously, wouldn't their friends be like "Uh, dude? What...what are you staring at?" "It's a camera, man! You gotta look at it while wearing your mask, because 90's!" "Dude, you've had too much to drink...") An atomic clock is acquired, but alas! The Master’s snake…venom…stuff…has put Grace under his influence, and the Doctor is soon captured. The Master wants to take all of his regenerations, because he can’t stand being upstaged by the Valeyard.
So…how do we take this movie? It was fun, it was cheesy, it was filled with plotholes. (Not that Doctor Who isn’t filled with plotholes, mind you…)
The biggest problem is that some of the dialogue sounds more like quips written specifically for the trailer, and that pesky half-human thing. I think my favorite theory is that he used the Chameleon Arch to trick the Master. (It’s a long story.) Also, we don’t know why the Eye of Harmony is on the TARDIS instead of on Gallifrey. One could wish the writers had done a slightly better job of keeping plotholes to a minimum. But that’s all water under the bridge, because WE ARE ON NUWHO NOW! Tune in next time for a look at the first of the Eigth Doctor novels, and stick around for Christopher Eccleston's ears.
A/N: While reading about the movie, I found out two Pythons and Tim Curry were all considered for the role of the Doctor. Can you imagine Tim Curry as the Doctor? Good Lord. I can see him as the Master though. Maybe when Missy gets tired of being a girl she’ll turn into Tim Curry.
...forget I said anything.