PREVIOUSLY, ON THE HOBBIT:
Kili: I’m in love.
Legolas: But Daaaad I want to go fight Sauron too!
Smauglock Cumberkhan: You want the Arkenril? You don’t get the Arkenril.
Sauron: YOU WILL STAY IN YOUR CAGE WITH ONLY A CUP OF COFFEE AT ELEVEN.
Thorin: Has anyone seen an Arkenril? I really need that Arkenril. It’s super important.
Smauglock: I’M GOING TO WREAK WANTON DESTRUCTION NOW, OKAY?
Bilbo: Aww we done did it now.
Tauriel: Time to go.
Kids: But our dad…
Tauriel: THERE IS A DRAGON TIME TO GO
Bard: Anyone? Hello? Anyone there at all?
Master: HAVE FUN BARD WE’RE LEAVING NOW.
Bard: Lol no. *rope loop troll jerk*
Master: Maybe I should become a girl. Maybe that will help.
Smauglock: BURNINATING THE COUNTRYSIDE! BURNINATING THE PEASANTS!
Doomed Old Lady: Smaug, no one likes that song—
Smauglock: THATCHED ROOF COTTAGES!
Bain: Guys, you know how my dad’s climbing the bell tower to shoot Smaug?
Bain: And how he apparently forgot about that super incredibly important magic arrow from the last movie?
Tauriel: …I hate children.
Bard: I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY THESE ARROWS AREN’T WORKING, EVEN THOUGH WE DISCUSSED HOW THEY WOULDN’T WORK BEFORE.
Bain: Dad I found a black arrow!
Bard: Now, if only some helpful thrush would tell me where Smaug’s weak spot is.
Thrush: I quit.
Bard: Smaug, I—oh, my bow is broken.
Smauglock: I’m going to take my sweet time killing you. Should I monologue? I think I’ll monologue.
Bain: DAD DON’T LET HIM MONOLOGUE!
Bard: DON’T WORRY, SON, I SAW THIS ON DOCTOR WHO!
(He proceeds to tie the arrow string to two planks and brace the arrow against his son’s neck, because of course he does.)
Smaug: Like that would actu—OWWWIEOWWIEPAIN
Master: Sure would be ironic if something landed on me right—
Hilda: Can we lynch Lickspittle?
Bard: NO DON’T LYNCH HIM. Lickspittle, go…you know…live up to your name. We’re going to go talk to Thorin, who I am sure is entirely sensible.
Legolas: Let’s go troll Angmar!
MEANWHILE IN DOL GOLDUR
Gandalf: How dry I am…how dry I am…
Galadriel: RAIDING PARTY!
(That’s right, Galadriel leads a raiding party, with Elrond, the swordsman! Saruman, the wizard! and Radoctorgast, the Guy With Bunnies!)
Nazghul 1: Guys? Guys, are we allowed to hurt Saruman? I mean—
Nazghul 2: TELEPORTATION!
Elrond: Are they seriously teleporting?
Galadriel: Gandalf…I always kind of liked you…
Gandalf: Wait, where did this come from? This literally makes no sense.
Galadriel: I…I don’t know.
Radoctorgast: Let’s just leave the scene.
Galadriel: I’m going to faint now.
Elrond: Dammit, Galadriel, you wanted to be plot important!
Sauron: Losers! LOOOOOSERRRRS.
Galadriel: That’s it, I’m going to use my negative image powers!
Sauron: ANYTHING BUT THA—
Saruman: Well, good thing he’s like gone forever and won’t ever cause us problems ever again ever, right?
Elrond: If you say so…
Saruman: LOLBYE YOU KIDS HAVE FUN.
THORIN IS CRAZY
Thorin: Is there an Arkenril here? Is there an Arkenril there? IS THE ARKENRIL SOME SORT OF METAPHOR?
Bilbo: So Balin, hypothetically speaking, if someone had the Arkenril, should they give it to Thorin?
Balin: Hypothetically, the very small person who hypothetically has the Arkenril should hypothetically NOT GIVE IT TO HIM EVER BECAUSE HE WILL BE CRAZY.
Azog: So, how’d it go, son?
Bolg: Uh…well…they ran away. Totally. Did not, like, beat us up or anything.
Azog: SON I AM DISAPOINT.
Bolg: At least we have Graboids?
THRANDUIL IS STILL A JERK
Thranduil: I fed starving children!
Gandalf: YOU’RE AN IDIOT, THERE ARE ORCS COMING.
Bilbo: I have an Arkenril, everyone!
Thranduil: You also have my keys.
Bilbo: Yes. That.
Tauriel: So why are we here?
Legolas: I thought if I tried hard enough you would date me?
Bard: Thorin we have your Arkenril
Gandalf: And please don’t throw Bilbo off anything.
Thorin: Fine. But we’re still having war.
Thranduil: But you’re outnumbered!
Thrush: Not with Billy Connolly on the way!
Dain: SOD OFF YE BLOODY ENGLISH BASTARDS!
Dain: SOD OFF YE BLOODY ORC BASTARDS!
Gandalf: He’s a bit unstable.
Bilbo: You don’t say?
BATTLE, BATTLE EVERYWHERE
(Thranduil decides not to be a jerk for once and helps the dwarves, battle happens, and Dain’s battle pig is killed. A troll literally smashes his head against a wall, which is what happens on Facebook every day. Bard rides a wagon into another troll, and Lickspittle crossdresses in an attempt to stay away from the fight. There’s a complication, however…)
Hilda: NICE BOOBS. THE REST OF US ARE CHARGING IN.
(Basically, though, everyone is getting their butts kicked.)
LET’S GET FREUDIAN
Dwalin: Thorin, we’re concerned.
Dwalin: THORIN YOU ARE LITERALLY SITTING AROUND WHILE ORCS ATTACK. THIS IS WEIRD.
Thorin: I JUST WANT TO BE SPECIAL. NOW GO AWAY.
(Thorin then regrets the hallucinogens he took, because he goes on a very bad trip in which he is swallowed up by gold. It’s too anvilicious, even for a dwarf, and he comes to.)
Thorin: Okay guys, time to go fight! I’m gonna go punch Azog in the face.
Legolas: So there's another army on the way. Isn't that great?
Thranduil: That's it. We're outtie.
Bilbo: Fine, I'll go warn them.
Tauriel: BUT MY BOYFRIEND.
Thranduil: Tauriel, I swear to Eru, I am tired of hearing about your dwarf boyfriend. We are leaving.
Tauriel: I’LL SHOOT YOU.
Thranduil: No. No you won't.
Legolas: DON’T YOU PUT A SWORD TO MY NOT-GIRLFRIEND’S THROAT! SEE TAURIEL I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU EVERY DAY.
Thranduil: What the hell kind of soap opera is this? FINE.
THE REALLY BIG FIGHT AT THE END
Azog: I got one of your neffie-poos.
Fili: Oh, this is going to suck.
Kili: I KILL YOU.
Thorin: KILI DON’T BE STUPID.
Dwalin: THORIN DON’T BE STUPID.
Bilbo: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON ANYMORE.
(Azog, being a proper villain with a fashionable skull cod piece, starts sending orc after orc to fight Thorin, while Dwalin stabs at the enemy and Bilbo throws rocks. Unfortunately, Bilbo is knocked on the head, and is down for the count.)
Tauriel: I got rid of Legolas, he got picked up by a giant bat!
Kili: All right!
Bolg: LOOK A GIRL.
(Tauriel finally meets her match after wrecking every orc she comes across. There is a reason for this.)
Kili: Tauriel, I can finally save you! Look at th—
Kili: *DIES A LOT*
Tauriel: DO NOT WANT!
Bolg: Lol I killed yer boyfriend!
(They fall down some stairs, and it does exactly nothing to Bolg. Legolas, meanwhile, has managed to find himself on a tower, where he can play sniper, to the horror of college students everywhere. He sees Tauriel in danger and reaches for an arrow, only to find…)
Legolas: I’m out of arrows. I AM LITERALLY OUT OF ARROWS. I AM NEVER OUT OF ARROWS, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? Time for another convoluted manipulation of physics!
(This results in he and Bolg fighting for a far longer time than necessary, and then rocks fall and Bolg dies. It’s all a bit disappointing.)
Thorin: Legolas! Legolas, a little help here!
Azog: I’m going to defeat you. Finally. Eventually.
Legolas: Well…this worked in Pirates of the Caribbean.
(He throws a sword into Azog’s chest, like you do, and then Thorin has an elven sword.)
MAIAR EX MACHINA
Gandalf: Did those eagles finally show up?
(Radagast has exchanged his bunny sled for some eagles, who parachute Beorn into a group of orcs. It’s as hilarious as it sounds.)
THE NEVER ENDING FIGHT SCENE
Thorin: Why are you throwing a heavy mace around on thin ice? Are you stupid?
Thorin: …glad you recognize that.
(After some fighting, Thorin appears to knock Azog into the icy water below. But Azog isn’t going to let something that killed Rasputin finish him…)
Thorin: Are you…floating by?
Thorin: Like, dead?
Thorin: Should I be walking above you?
Azog: LOL NO.
He stabs Thorin's foot, which is painful to even watch, bursts from the water, and they fight EVEN MORE, ending in mutual stabbing.
Thorin: Well…that sucks. *falls over*
THE SAD PART
Bilbo: Did anyone get the number on that club? Hey, eagles! Good thing they always show up last minute to save us! Thorin? Thorin…
Thorin: I am, and always shall be, your friend.
Thranduil: So, uh…Tauriel…finished keening over Kili’s dead body yet?
Tauriel: I HATE LOVE.
Thranduil: I’ll…uh…leave you to that, then…
Legolas: Dad, I want to go adventuring since it’s clear Tauriel doesn’t want an alpha male like me.
Thranduil: Son, no. Just…no. Go hang out with Strider for a while, will you? Maybe he can knock some sense into your head...
ONE OF THE ENDINGS
Bilbo: Well, bye everyone.
Balin: Good luck! I’m going to go dig around in Moria. I’m sure nothing bad will happen whatsoever.
Bilbo: Well, bye Gandalf. And uh, I totally lost that magic ring. Totally.
Gandalf: Great. I’ll just go…you know…research that. A bit. A bit of research.
YET ANOTHER ENDING
Bilbo: THOSE ARE MY THINGS.
Auctioneer: Are you, or are you not, dead?
Bilbo: THOSE ARE MY SPOONS.
Bilbo: Look, here’s my contract, you guys can move everything in later, I AM TIRED.
LOOK ANOTHER ENDING!
Old!Bilbo: I’m sure obsessing over this ring is nothing to worry about.
Gandalf: BILBO I’M IN YOUR HOUSE.
Old!Bilbo: Oh, is it time for Lord of the Rings already?