Welcome, kids, to the WESLEY OF THE DOCTOR WHO SERIES.
Here we have Russell T. Davies attempting to be incredibly meta in his storytelling. In that, we have a group of obsessed Doctor Who fans meeting to discuss the Doctor. Elton Pope is the geekiest of all Whovians, who makes vlogs about his love of Doctor Who. All the people in this group (called LINDA because complicated acronyms are a staple of geek culture, or something) have run into the Doctor at some point in their lives.
Then, a man named Victor Kennedy appears, and begins pushing the members ever further into searching for the Doctor. Elton tries to get close to Jackie, who "accidentally" spills wine on his shirt and is generally uncomfortable, then kicks him out the moment she realizes why he's trying to get close to her.
Meanwhile, the members are disappearing.
It turns out, Victor Kennedy is a being known as an Abzorbaloff, who, well, absorbs his victims. He wants to absorb the Doctor, which is why he insinuated himself into the group. His victims, however, fight back from within. Elton breaks his cane, which was actually a field generator keeping the Abzorbaloff's body in place. The Doctor explains he met Elton while trying to stop elemental shades, which sounds like a story that would have been a lot more interesting than this one.
It ends with Moaning Myrtle being encased in stone while still dating Elton, leaving us all with the horrible, horrible mental images this presents.
It is known as one of the most hated Doctor Who episodes ever, and those mental images are probably the reason. Now, where are those memory worms?
Wait, what was I just talking about? Ah, well, moving on...
The TARDIS arrives just in time for the 2012 Olympics. The neighborhood there is preparing for the torch bearer to pass through, but several children have disappeared, and cars are breaking down. The Doctor and Rose decide to find out the connection.
The Doctor traces the problems to a little girl named Chloe, who can apparently make people disappear by drawing pictures of them, trapping them in the drawing. Or, rather, the energy being that's possessing her can do so. (Those wacky energy beings, amirite?)
But seriously, it must be hard to get attention with all those siblings.
The Isolus apparently travels through the universe with billions of siblings, and one can feel sorry for the poor parents that have to referee on the road trip. Separated from its family, it was drawn to Chloe's own loneliness.
And her traumatic past involving an abusive father who is now a giant drawing in her closet, which is not creepy at all.
Unfortunately, the Isolus is dumb, and traps the Doctor and the TARDIS in a drawing as well. Then she disappears the entire Olympic Stadium. Luckily, Rose manages to find the Isolus' travel pod and tosses it into the Olympic Torch, because apparently the pod runs on the Care Bear Stare. The drawings come to life, including Crazy-Monster-Dad-Drawing, which is defeated by the Kookaburra song.
To complete the complete and utter cheese, the Doctor then runs the Torch to the stadium. One can imagine the paradoxes created when David Tennant was not the one to do so in our reality. I'm going to blame all current problems on this paradox.
If David Tennant had run the Olympic Torch, then the lizard people wouldn't have taken over.....Wait.
Also, the Doctor adds that a storm is coming, because he clearly got hold of the script from the BBC.
So this episode was...all right? Okay? It was a bit strange, and the whole "monster dad" thing seemed to have been thrown in there last minute to have an actual villain. And, as pointed out, this episode was just full of cheese, not that I'm complaining since I'm the one that likes Hartnell in all his cheesy glory.
Army of Ghosts
Hey, I read a book like that once!
Actually, this does not involve Internet debates regarding the Civil War. Instead, it involves Rose explaining to us that she is going to die.
Anyways, the Doctor and Rose pay Jackie a visit, only to discover that Jackie is expecting her father for dinner. Her dead father. To everyone's surprise, a glowy figure actually does appear. It turns out, everyone is having this experience, because when I see a vague glowy figure, I assume it's the ghost of my cat Bubba, come back to visit me.
The Doctor conducts an experiment with the TARDIS and the Ghostbusters theme song, and discover that of course they're not ghosts, they're something pushing through into our universe, and the Doctor tracks the signal to...
Any resemblance to anatomy is entirely the fault of Jack Harkness, who most likely designed the logo without anyone suspecting anything.
The Torchwood Institute, run by Yvonne Hartman. But it's okay! They aren't really mad at the Doctor anymore, despite Queen Victoria being unamused. While Rose is stuck in the TARDIS, the Doctor insists to everyone that Jackie is Rose. Skeptical looks abound.
The source of the ghosts is a breach between universes, and not only do they get ghosts, they get a spherical object known as a "Void Ship". It travels through the Void. Whether or not it runs into Morgoth and Sauron is entirely up to your imagination.
Meanwhile, Rose sneaks into the sphere chamber, only to discover Mickey! When Rose is caught, the Doctor has to admit that Jackie is actually Rose's mum.
Three employees, who have disappeared and come back acting strangely, then expand the breach, allowing the ghosts to manifest fully...
Yeah, they're Cybermen. But wait, there's more! For the price of a million Cybermen, you also get...
To be fair, Daleks cost a lot more because everyone thinks they're precious.
So we got yer Daleks, we got yer Cybermen, and we got yer Void ship. One Dalek, calling itself Dalek Sec to everyone's surprise, brain sucks someone to death, without making any jokes about "starving to death". The Cybermen offer to rule together, and we get this glorious, beautiful exchange:
I swear, the Daleks get snarkier every year.
The Cybermen start converting people, in that delightful scene where we see all manner of chopping and buzzing, and then Jake Simmonds destroys the Cyber leader, because he hasn't been able to blow up Cybermen for a while. He and his crew have been using devices to pass between universes, It turns out, once the Cybermen vanished into the breach in the parallel universe, that universe started experiencing catastrophe, meaning both universes will fall into the Void, which will only annoy Morgoth further.
It turns out, the sphere is Time Lord technology-a prison called the Genesis Ark. It's activated by touch, which...well...
Yeah, that doesn't work. Unfortunately, Mickey accidentally touches it anyways, because he's Mickey, and millions of Daleks start streaming out.
It turns out that anyone who passes through the Void gets covered in Void material, which defeats the purpose of it being a Void in the first place, and if he reverses the breach all the Cybermen and Daleks will get sucked back in.
Everyone there will also be sucked back in, so the Doctor sends them all to the parallel universe. Rose, being really smart, changes her mind, because that's a great time to change your mind, and nearly gets sucked in trying to get back to the Doctor, before Pete grabs onto her and teleports her into the parallel universe.
THEN WE GET THIS SCENE. DAVIES IS GOING TO THE SPECIAL HELL.
Some time later, the Doctor manages to call Rose to Bad Wolf Bay, where he uses a supernova to say goodbye and fail to express his true feelings, because Davies is a terrible, sadistic person.
Then he turns around and finds an enraged Catherine Tate in a wedding dress.
So that was the finale! I actually did enjoy this: the snarking between the Daleks and the Cybermen, the power of Yvonne Hartman's Britishness overcoming conversion, and the mental images of Davies' head on a pike for what he has done to us all.
Here, have some more Dalek/Cybermen cattiness. You need it. You know you do.
The Dalek stole Kaylee's favorite dress because Fox hasn't tortured us enough.