Davies, we don't need anymore nightmare fuel. Honestly. You've given us enough. Can't we see something, I don't know, pleasant? Maybe another wacky chase with the village idiot Daleks? No?
A young woman named Sally Sparrow is taking pictures of an abandoned house, because she is that person that thinks nostalgia is "deep". But that doesn't matter, because the creepiest of statues are all there! However, she also finds a weird message from the Doctor beneath the wallpaper warning her about "Weeping Angels", which couldn't possibly be those creepy angel statues, AMIRITE? Sally returns the next day with her friend Kathy...who disappears to 1920. Luckily, she finds a nice young man who doesn't mind a pretty young woman randomly appearing to him. Kathy's grandson arrives just at that time to deliver a letter, and Sally grabs a key hanging on one of the statues before following the next clue.
Worst game of Hide and Seek ever.
Sally goes to see Kathy's brother, Larry, who has found a strange Easter Egg in a number of random DVDs. The Easter Egg, needless to say, is a message from the Doctor, which has become a meme in-universe, and is now a meme on the Internet.
I love this fandom.
Sally meets up with a cute policeman, who has a fake police box impounded at the station. Sally leaves, then goes back to give him the key and finds he has disappeared.
Luckily, he too has impeccable timing, and calls her.
He's old and dying of cancer. WORST FIRST DATE EVER.
Billy was transported to 1969, where the Doctor and Martha were hanging about trying to find a way to get back to the TARDIS in the future. They send Billy with a message: Sally needs to watch the DVDs. While she watches and argues with the Doctor via TV, Larry takes down a transcript, which the Doctor will use to make the DVDs.
The Weeping Angels are stone as long as someone looks at them.
If you turn away or blink the Angels will steal your potential life force and send you into another time. Which isn't...bad...unless, say you appear right in the middle of a witch burning.
Some Weeping Angels appear at this point, and chase them into the basement, where they run into the TARDIS, and use a DVD as a control disk to send the TARDIS to 1969. When it dematerializes, the Angels are left in an endless loop of staring at each other forever.
One year later, it's a good thing Sally keep everything documented, because she runs into a confused Martha and Doctor on their way for a random adventure that sounds like it may have made a good episode. She hands them her folder of Everything, and the loop of confusion is complete. It had some good moments and of course introduced the Weeping Angels, but overall it was rather confusing more than anything.
Also, Sally Sparrow never escaped.
She ran into this kid that survived the Titanic. His girlfriend thought he was dead, or something.
So to sum up the episode
The TARDIS briefly recharges in Cardiff. You know, the rift thing? Anyways, as they take off, the Doctor spots JACK HARKNESS running toward the box. The TARDIS flies to the literal end of the universe to shake him off, and it doesn't work, because this is Jack we're talking about. They land, Jack is dead, but luckily he comes back to life. Again.
Yeah, Rose didn't just bring him back to life. She accidentallied his mortality. He tried to find the Doctor using a vortex manipulator, and wound up in the 19th century, where he sat himself down in Cardiff and waited for the Doctor to come back.
Meanwhile, the end of the universe is even more ridiculous than the one we see in House on the Borderlands. Here, we have cannibals! They run to a nearby silo with a human, where the last of the human race awaits a ship to "Utopia".
"What's that noise, Doctor?"
"A thousand fan theories coming to life."
"A thousand fan theories coming to life."
After the launch sequence begins, Martha goes to check on Professor Yana (who has to stay behind to trigger the launch) and notices he has a fob watch. She points it out to him, then runs to tell the Doctor. When he finds out, the look of PURE UNMITIGATED PANIC tells us EXACTLY what's about to happen, but it's too late. "Yana" lets in the cannibals, electrocutes Chantho, and acts like a generally creepy oldster. Luckily Chantho manages to shoot him, but that's okay, because he can regenerated into the spaztastic John Simm!
That's right, kids, the Master is back, he steals the TARDIS (but not before the Doctor fixes the TARDIS to only go back and forth between the two times), and goes on to drink even more caffeine. This was weird! The cannibals made little sense! But it has the Master, so we're good.
The Sound of Drums
Jack's vortex manipulator is a darn useful thing. They manage to return to present time, where they discover that SURPRISE THE MASTER IS TOTALLY HAROLD SAXON. A phone network called Archangel influences people to vote for him. The world's governments can neither confirm nor deny that they actually have these already.
Also, the Master has a wife. The Doctor is deeply surprised about this.
After some hammy, hammy acting in which the Master kills off Downing Street, we get some Master backstory. The Time Lords resurrected him to fight in the Time War, because the Time Lords are nothing if not impractical. Instead, he fled to the ends of the Earth, fobbed himself, Fanny's your uncle, Bob's your aunt, here we are!
The Doctor creates perception filters to keep the three of them unnoticed. Meanwhile, the Master plans to reveal Earth's "first" contact with an alien species, the Toclafane, aboard a flying aircraft carrier with President
"Just one Yoda quote? One?"
While the Doctor is old and tiny, the Master is casually racist toward Martha's family, takes Jack's shirt off without even a motive of fanservice, and listens to silly pop songs. Martha gets a plan from the Doctor, then teleports to Earth, presumably to participate in the Hunger Games...
Last of the Time Lords
So, dystopian YA novel Earth sucks. The Toclafane like murder-killing people, the Doctor is tiny, and Martha's family is in a very uncomfortable slavery analogue. Martha has been traveling Earth, contacting people regarding a Super Magic Wizard Gun which can totally kill the Master, you guys, because she is the Chosen One. Her hair also looks perfect despite a year of traveling through a dystopia, so you know this is a YA novel.
Yes, she did use super glue on her hair to keep it in place. THIS IS THE DYSTOPIAN FUTURE, DANGIT.
We also find out about the Toclafane and the reason for the Paradox Machine: the last humans went crazy when they realized OH YEAH UTOPIA DOESN'T EXIST, HURRDURR, and the machine allows them to kill their ancestors without running into that silly grandfather paradox that time travelers always worry about. Because that will totally make things better...?
Anyways, Martha is captured and taken to the Valiant, where the Master has her KNEEEEEEEL. But there's a catch: the gun wasn't even magic to begin with! The Doctor has been making a psychic connection to the Archangel Network, and the collective thoughts of humanity about the Doctor somehow makes him regenerate into a Vorlon. Remember back in my Third Doctor review when the Master's greatest fear was the Doctor towering over him?
YEAH THAT TOTALLY HAPPENS. I have no idea if this was done on purpose or if it was a lovely coincidence, but it's awesome. And very sparkly.
More proof we're in a YA novel.
The Paradox Machine is destroyed, the last year is erased and no one but the people aboard the Valiant remember it. The Master's wife shoots him because apparently he got tired of hitting Jack and started hitting her, and The Doctor cries. Also we get a nice Firefly meme out of it:
Jack returns to Torchwood, Martha says she's leaving because the Doctor is oblivious to her crush on him, some random person picks up the Master's ring, because we gotta have some way to bring the guy back, and the Titanic crashes into the TARDIS
Let's see what kind of hilarity is going to ensue this time!