Geez, it’s been a while since I last talked about Doctor Who, hasn’t it? Well, let’s list off why I haven’t written jack in a couple months. Finals, full time job, prep for starting on my bachelor’s, three stomach bugs within a month (THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I BRAG ABOUT HARDLY EVER BEING SICK), and then, most unfortunately, my husband’s aunt passed away and we’ve been working overtime cleaning the house and trying to sort everything for an estate sale.
But here I am, with a couple hours to kill before bed. So let’s talk about the Ninth Doctor. Or rather, the end of the Ninth Doctor, because Christopher Eccleston only had one season, and thus we have been deprived of his ears ever since.
Finally, after a whole season, we get to figure out what Bad Wolf is all about! They just keep talking about it! So how does this story kick off?
By placing our heroes on reality TV shows.
No, really, they get zapped, and suddenly the Doctor is on Big Brother, and the look on his face mirrors the fans’ quite well. Rose winds up on The Weakest Link with an android Anne Robinson (no, really, she does the voice), and Jack Harkness is being given a makeover, not that he needs it. Clearly some sort of wacky hijinks are going to ensue, right?
Uh..."wacky". Yeah. We'll go with that.
Except…in these reality shows, when you get kicked off…YOU DIE. Yup, zapped into tiny bits. Skeptical Doctor is Skeptical, and he saves the Token Nice Person on Big Brother and discovers they are all on Satellite Five. Again. It is now known as the Game Station, and is owned by the Badwolf Corporation. Oh, so it’s an evil corporation then? Is this going to be one of those anvilicious episodes?
Then Rose is disintegrated.
The Doctor goes into full on REAG mode, and makes his way up to the top floor, where he discovers the Controller, a human all borged up into the computer. She uses a solar flare to be able to talk to him without being overheard. She zapped our heroes into the games to save them from her bosses, who don’t watch these silly “reality TV things” the humans always talk about. Her bosses, man, what jerks. They zap people from the games away from the station, and they’re always shouting at her to “obey”, and…
The solar flare ends, but the Controller manages to give the Doctor the coordinates to where people are zapped…and then she herself is zapped. (Look, I just really like using the phrase “zapped”. It’s very scientific.)
Rose awakes on a ship, and discovers a Dalek, and yep, the Doctor disrupts a signal and discovers LOTS AND LOTS OF DALEK SHIPS.
Now would be a good time to panic.
So, yes, the Daleks’ scheme this time was to control humanity through reality TV. This is funnier than anything they did on The Chase.
It was kind of a weird episode, especially looking back and seeing how dated all the pop culture references are. That said, it’s so bizarre that it kind of works. Of course the Daleks would come up with a plan like this. They don’t understand the good side of humanity, but they sure understand how to keep humans distracted. But since this is a two-parter, let’s see how this all ends…
The Parting of Ways
Daleks are crazy. Like, really crazy. You just won’t believe how unbelievably crazy Daleks are.
And their emperor is even crazier.
And possibly compensating for something.
Y’see, a few Daleks escaped the Time War (this seems to happen a lot-I don’t think the Doctor’s genocide was as effective as he intended it to be) and they started turning humans into Daleks. So now the Emperor Dalek believes he is a god to them. See? Crazy. (Also, every time the Daleks turn people into mutated blobs, some annoying pop culture happens. In the 80’s, it was the DJ. Now, it’s reality TV. Daleks are sadistic jerks.)
Our heroes escape into the TARDIS, and return to the Game Station. The Doctor has a plan: generate a delta wave from the station and destroy the Daleks. Jack starts setting up defenses, and Rose goes into the TARDIS, only to be sent back home. It’s revealed that the Doctor set up a failsafe in the TARDIS. If anything got too dangerous, she would take Rose back home and then shut down until the danger was over. And then we get an even more horrifying reveal-the Doctor is essentially about to do the same thing he did in the Time War. The delta wave will destroy most of Earth along with the Daleks.
Meanwhile, Rose mopes around in restaurants with her mom and Mickey, until she notices all the Bad Wolf messages too. She uses a truck to pry open the Heart of the TARDIS, hoping to get into the telepathic circuits. Instead, Rose gets an eyeful of bright light and the TARDIS flies away.
Meanwhile, people die. People die a lot. A Dalek that’s still outside shouts exterminate anyways, even though no one can hear it, because shouting is very, very important to Daleks. Lynda dies, Jack dies, and the Doctor finds he can’t bring himself to commit double genocide again. Then, the TARDIS arrives.
Even space deities like using dramatic hand gestures.
ROSE HAS NOW BECOME A LITERAL GODDESS. Apparently instead of telepathically piloting the TARDIS, she accidentally swallowed the Time Vortex, and is now the Bad Wolf. All those messages, all those things named Bad Wolf? Yeah, she just went over and put them there, just to remind herself to become a literal goddess. HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. Also, she accidentally makes Jack immortal and causes the Torchwood series, and disintegrates Daleks with her mind, because screw all y’all. Unfortunately, her puny human body can’t handle the power, so the Doctor decides it’s about time he snogged another companion, and swallows the Time Vortex instead.
That shrieking noise was simply over-excited fans.
A WILD DAVID TENNANT APPEARS! HE USES “COMMENT ON TEETH”! IT’S SUPER EFFECTIVE!
Rose, and the audience who has never seen Doctor Who before, are all very, very confused.
You guys, you guys, I loved this finale. It had Daleks! Crazy Daleks! I love crazy Daleks. It had witty one liners! IT HAD ROSE AS A LITERAL GODDESS!
I was sad to see Christopher Eccleston go, but quite happy to see David Tennant, who I only knew as Barty Crouch Jr. at that point. It was a nice wrap-up to the season arc, and I was excited to get to the next one.