Thursday, January 7, 2016

NuWho Reviews: Voyage of the Damned, Partners in Crime, The Fires of Pompeii (Sweary!Capaldi Jokes Included)

This season gave us a very serious contender for the title of "Greatest Companion Ever" (assiduously held by Ace, along with a baseball bat to fend off said contenders). But, before we can get to her, we have to watch Kylie Minogue, because apparently the Tenth Doctor is a fan of hers.

The Voyage of the Damned

When we last left our intrepid hero, the Titanic had crashed into the TARDIS. Why is the Titanic in space? Why is a police box in space? This is the nature of our show.

Actually, scratch that, before the Titanic crashes into the TARDIS, in a scene the audience didn't get to see until the Children in Need special, the Fifth Doctor arrives on the TARDIS. Some sort of wibbly wobbly explanation is given for his balding. The Doctors, of course, bicker with one another.

But then the Tenth Doctor goes all fanboy. (Which is ironic, considering that the Fifth Doctor understands the fandom well enough to know that we would totally break into the TARDIS if we could, and assumes this is happening.) Anyways, it ends on a happy note, David Tennant bids his favorite Doctor/father-in-law goodbye, and totally ignores the Fifth Doctor warning him to put his shields up.

I may be bald, but you're about to ram into a space reference.


All right, now that we're caught up, this is actually a starliner from the planet Sto, giving the passengers a taste of human Christmas. Even though most of them look completely human, in particular, Waitress Kylie Minogue.

You also have Bannakaffalatta, who is made of awesome, and also of win.

I mean, the Darth Maul makeup could be better, but other than that, winning.

Anyways, everyone pops down to Earth for a look around, and the Doctor runs into Wilfred "BAMF" Mott, who is selling newspapers and explaining that everyone abandons London at Christmas because ALIENS REALLY LOVE INVADING LONDON ON CHRISTMAS, just like they love invading America on Independence Day.

guys did you see the trailer did you see it we get to see hilarious stuttering and angry aliens


Anyways, back on board, Captain Hardaker decides to ram the ship into a meteor. This is presumably not caused by looking at a mandala and going crazy. Most of the people die, except for the people the Doctor has met. They make their way through the damaged ship in an attempt to fix it before it crashes into Earth.

We have creepy angels here too! They're androids build to resemble angels, but instead of transporting you through time, they just kill you. Banna turns out to be a cyborg, and disables them using an EMP, and it is sadness because he never got to marry Kylie Minogue.

Anyways, long and short of it is, the plan is the Max Capricorn, who got voted out of the company ala Norman Osborne, decided if he killed everyone in a crash the company would go bankrupt. That'll show them! And all those other people! And himself! Wait...

Expecting this guy to be sane is like expecting that this year will not be inundated by political ads.

Kylie Minogue forklifts him into the ship's engine, and for some reason can't stop the forklift, probably because we need some angst for this episode.

Anyways, the ship narrowly avoids destroying Buckingham Palace, and all the queen fans can breathe easy. Mr. Copper decides to study Earth a bit more, since his knowledge is somewhat fuzzy. The Doctor goes on to have a good cry.

Partners in Crime

Previously, on the Doctor and Donna Show: Donna's evil fiancee dosed her with phlebotinum, a space spider had a nest of space babies, and the Doctor was still upset over Doomsday.

But none of that matters, because Donna's back!

She's been investigating conspiracy theories and watching the stars with her newspaper-selling gramps, Wilfred Mott. While on a temp job, she becomes suspicious of her workplace (previous experience has probably made her suspicious of all jobs). The Doctor is also investigating Adipose Industries, a place selling a miracle weight loss supplement. Separately, they discover that when the marketing slogan says "the fat walks away", it literally does.

Anyways, after some wacky 40's style comedy in which the Doctor and Donna constantly just miss one another, they finally communicate through a window, and it is even more hilarious.

Unfortunately, Miss Foster (GEDDITGEDDIT) is less amused than Queen Victoria was, reveals the plot: The Adiposian First Family actually does breed babies this way, and normally the fat doesn't dissolve entirely, killing the person. Y'see, their planet disappeared. No, it didn't explode, no, it wasn't Time War'd, it just...vanished. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT AND YOU SHOULD REMEMBER IT. Miss Foster plans on actually accelerating the breeding, which will kill people, but is stopped. Then the Adiposians arrive, and Miss Foster Outlives Her Usefulness.

Donna goes to toss her car keys into a litter bin, and tells a nice blonde lady to let her mother know where they are.

I can't, I have to get back to my other job.


While we are left to puzzle over more arc points than a Babylon 5 episode, Wilfred watches our heroes fly away.

Also Adipose babies are COMPLETELY ADORABLE.

This was a weird episode. But it was beautiful, and glorious, and everything that is good in the world.

The Fires of Pompeii

In which Peter Capaldi does not swear copiously, and it takes us five more seasons for a call back.

The Doctor and Donna arrive in Pompeii, the day before everything explodes. Donna feels they should do something, but the Doctor insists it is a fixed point, and they decide to leave. Unfortunately, the TARDIS has already been sold to the most Scottish Roman ever.

"F***ing space aliens? Volcanos erupt all the f***ing time and you science fiction twats blame it on f***ing space aliens? Do me a favor and f*** off."

Our heroes visit Caecilius, who wants to use the TARDIS for a sculpture. His daughter, Evelina, is psychic and is being pressured to enter the Sybilline Sisterhood, home of all Attractive Psychic Girls, including a time-displaced Amy in Padme makeup.

Damn you, Weeping Angels.

The local augur is sculpting what appears to be a circuit, and Caecilius' son rebels, because Alexander the Great drank a lot of wine, why can't he? Anyways, the Doctor and Quintus are attacked by a rock monster, and Donna gets kidnapped. The Doctor isn't having any of it, or any cryptic nonsense, and discovers that the aliens behind the psychic powers and Vesuvius' rumblings are Pyroviles. Whose home planet also mysterious disappeared.

Vesuvius is being used to convert humanity with aforementioned psychic powers and conquer Earth, and it is only the Pyroviles' energy source that is preventing the volcano from erupting.

You guys, this is where we get to the real heart of Doctor Who. The Doctor is stuck in an impossible choice, and either one will result in death and destruction. And Donna does what I've never seen any of the companions do. She offers to share in the burden, and helps him shut off the energy, damning Pompeii. Then, she convinces him to save Caecilius' family, who decide to worship them. (Because, seriously, you're in ancient Rome, some people pop up, do some seemingly magic stuff, save you from destruction and fly away. You're gonna build a shrine to them just on principle.)

This is just the beginning of the awesome that is Donna. She was a bit annoying her first appearance, but even then we saw something beneath the surface. This is that something-she is an extremely compassionate person, who thinks she has to act tough to get through life. I don't know, maybe she is the best compan--

I'M SORRY I WON'T SAY IT AGAIN please don't shoot me

Tune in next time for OOD!

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