The Doctor and Amy are wandering through a future museum, enjoying the mistakes the curators have made (the Doctor keeps score). Then, they find a box with words carved in High Gallifreyan, which can't be translated by the TARDIS: "Hello Sweetie"
The box is a damaged flight recorder, and by watching it, they see the exact moment that RIVER EJECTS HERSELF FROM THE SHIP, HAPPILY EXPECTING THE DOCTOR TO CATCH HER.
It's the hair. It's gotta be the hair.
Or the general awesomeness that exudes from her. Something like that.
River promptly starts driving the TARDIS and points out that the Doctor keeps the emergency brake on. She took lessons the day the Doctor was busy. They look for the ship River was on, and find that it has crashed on top of an old temple. A team of military clerics arrive, and no, they are not the Knights Templar, unfortunately. These clerics are here to look for what caused the ship to crash: a Weeping Angel.
While Amy reviews the security footage from the ship, the Doctor and River start reading over a book about Weeping Angels and also the image of a Weeping Angel becomes an angel why are you all screaming and staring at your screens?
You have not seen the last of this meme.
Also, the Doctor warns Amy not to look in the Angel's eyes because the "eyes are the windows of the soul" or something, and Amy manages to turn off the security feed. But not before looking into the Angel's eyes because that's the kind of TV show this is.
Amy starts feeling like something is in her eyes, and as someone with dry eye syndrome this was basically the worst thing ever for me.
They start exploring the temple, meaning this is now an Indiana Jones movie. Luckily the advanced technology would make a nuclear fridge scene make slightly more sense. Our red shirt clerics start getting picked off (as in killed-these are the really mean Weeping Angels that don't get invited to parties.), and Amy feels like sand is pouring out of her eye.
Anyways, River notices that all the statues have one head, and the species that built the temple were two-headed, so that means
Oh. OH CRAP.
At least some of them don't have arms. And if they weren't such jerks, I would sound like a monster.
The radiation from the crashed ship is starting to revive the Weeping Angels, and Amy's hand is turning to stone. Tyrion shakes his head sadly since he realizes he would never have risked getting grayscale to save her like she did for him wait I think I'm in the wrong fandom.
The Doctor tells Amy that her hand isn't really stone; the Angel in her eye (lol) is altering her perception. He proves it by biting her, avenging the four psychiatrists.
AND THEN ANGEL BOB SHOWS UP. Oh, Angel Bob. you polite jerk, using poor Cleric Bob (there's a Saint Bob???) to pick on the Doctor.
The Doctor responds by shooting the gravity well of the crashed ship. You'd think all these villains would remember the Doctor is crazy by now.
Flesh and Stone
Last time, on Doctor Who:
River: Sure hope the Doctor doesn't screw up his timing again!
Bishop Octavian: Is he crazy?
Bishop: Good. Heroes are never effective unless they're crazy.
Amy: Doctor...I think I'm pregnant.
Doctor: AMY WOULD YOU WAIT A COUPLE EPISODES
Amy: Doctor, I think I have grayscale.
Doctor: Much better.
Angel Bob: I prefer my tea with one lump of sugar, two drops of milk, and a scone on the side. Also, we are going to win everything.
Doctor: When did the Weeping Angels become pretentious?
AND NOW, THE CONCLUSION.
The exploded gravity globe has caused the Weeping Angels to get stuck to the floor (the ship is upside down). Awesome! Now to get out of the trap. Which involves turning off the lights to preserve energy to open the doors. Damn you futuristic technology! Picard had to deal with these stupid automatic doors breaking too.
The clerics lay down covering fire, which also creates enough light to keep the Angels from moving. They make it to the control room, and are too focused on comfy chairs to notice Amy counting backward from ten. There is a giant on-board forest to escape through, and also the Doctor makes Angel Bob say "comfy chair".
In revenge, Angel Bob instigates the Weeping Angels into an evil laughing fit, and why are you all screaming again? Wait, that's me, never mind.
They make a run for the forest, and Amy reveals that the Angel in her eye (lol) is making her count down to her death, because again, these are the jerk Weeping Angels that no one likes. Amy has to shut her eyes to starve it of power, and the Doctor, River, and Bishop Octavian try to get to the big control room. River reveals that she is actually in the custody of Bishop Octavian for some crime, and if she helps them with this mission she gets pardoned.
Things start getting weird. Octavian bites it, the crack grows bigger and freaks out the Weeping Angels, and the clerics start getting swallowed up by the crack...and no one but Amy can even remember they exist.
With Amy alone, the Doctor uses the communicator to maneuver her around the Weeping Angels. They aren't feeling jerkish right now, just extremely freaked out. If Amy walks as if she can see them, they'll leave her alone. So, they're jerks AND they're stupid.
"Is she legit? I can't tell if she's legit or not. Maybe we should ask Angel Bob."
"He's too busy sitting on a comfy chair."
Meanwhile, the Doctor realizes the best way to fix the crack is to put a complicated space/time event in it.
Luckily, River gets the transporter fixed, Amy is beamed up/over/whatever, and the Angels decide that the Doctor should throw himself into the rupture; the Doctor points out that the Angels would do just as well, because all they need is a good weird timey-wimey event to fix it.
Fortunately, real gravity is kicking, so while our heroes dangle around, all the Angels, including that annoying one in Amy's eyes, fall into the crack.
Thanks, mysterious crack of doom!
River promises the Doctor a kiss "when he's older", and tells him the next time they meet, the Pandorica will open. Lots of people are really into this Pandorica opening thing.
Amy and the Doctor return to her house, where she shows him her wedding dress, then forcibly makes out with him. The Doctor, and a good chunk of the audience, are a bit squicked out.
Also, Amy's wedding day is the same day as the big giant event of doom. The Doctor decides it's probably time to figure out what's going on before someone else's wedding gets ruined.
And also try to get Amy to make out with Rory instead.
I know people hate villains that do things For The Evulz, but I love it, mainly because that makes it terrifying. The Weeping Angels were scarier here than before, and I would say this is their best appearance throughout the series. It also gave us some more nightmare fuel since Moffat decided he hated us all and told us that the image of a Weeping Angel becomes an Angel, which means we are all screwed. And probably we're all in the wrong time periods already. This probably explains why I keep feeling the need to dress in clothing from the 1800s and read Gothic novels. I'm in the wrong time period.
The Vampires of Venice
Wanna know how you can tell someone is a vampire? They're pale, they wear a lot of black, and they smile a lot and WHY ARE YOU ALL RUNNING AWAY FROM ME
I just don't go out in the sun a lot, okay? And I like to smile, OKAY? AND BLACK IS A PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE COLOR TO WEAR.
So this Italian fisherman hands his daughter over to a school where the headmistress' son has very sharp teeth.
But that's not important. Let's talk about how the Doctor plans to fix Amy and Rory's relationship. First, he hides in a stripper cake and leaps out at Rory. He then informs Rory that Amy kissed him. "And you kissed her back?" "No, I kissed her mouth."
The Doctor doesn't understand social nuance. Anyways, the Doctor decides a romantic trip to Venice would be the perfect thing for the confused couple. The Doctor manages to pose as the Pope. Just go with it. They see Guido the fisherman trying, and failing, to talk to his daughter, and of course the Doctor has to go
I said "innocent".
Guido manages to get the Doctor inside the Calvierri house, where the Doctor is confronted by the brides of Dracula, sans reflections of course. Unfortunately, the funny dancing scene from Dracula, Dead and Loving It does not happen. The Doctor tries to distract them with psychic paper, but it just shows William Hartnell's library card.
The Doctor escapes, and they come up with a brilliant plan! Sneak Amy into the house. The Doctor and Rory argue about who would be more plausible as a male guardian. Also, the Doctor doesn't think these are actually vampires, so these really aren't the same vampires the Eighth Doctor dealt with.
Rory borrows Guido's clothes to pose as Amy's brother, while Guido trucks around Venice with a stag party t-shirt. Don't worry, the Doctor-related anachronisms get much worse later on. Once in, Francesco creeps on Amy, and Isabella reveals she can't really go out in sunlight anymore.
While trying to let everyone in, Amy gets strapped down, and the plan is to drain her of her blood and fill her with the Calvierri's blood. Also, they wear technology that conceals the fact they are fishy things.
They would later try their luck with Innsmouth, with better results.
Our heroes manage to get Amy out, but Isabella doesn't make it, and is forced to jump into a lake of doom, where the Giant Squid presumably lived before traveling to Great Britain.
By this time, the Doctor has it all figured out. They're Saturnyne's, whose planet disappeared in some strange cataclysm.
No, silly, Davros isn't destroying reality again. The CRACKS are destroying reality again! The Saturnyne have decided Earth is the best place to colonize, because of course it is. Rosanna the Not!Vampire has been converting these young girls to be wives for her 10,000 spawn!
The Doctor is incredibly squicked out by this.
Guido blows himself up with the fish not!vampire girls, we see the first glimmer of RAEGRORY, and then Francesco decides he might as well nom Amy while he's at it. Rory tries to fight him with a broom, while Amy actually saves him and then they kiss.
But we gotta stretch this plot point out as long as possible, so don't get used to it.
The Doctor is shouting things, and Venice is being destroyed, but luckily they just have to flip a switch. Rosanna commits suicide by having her fish children eat her. More squick!
Amy is happy, since she has her TARDIS and her boys, and the Doctor is slightly freaked out that Venice has gone deathly silent.
Crack is bad, kids.
It has been five years since Amy and Rory stopped traveling with the Doctor, and he's dropped in for a quick visit. Amy is really pregnant and also making cookies, and Rory is a mulleted doctor. Unfortunately, the Doctor has crushed the flower garden, and also isn't aware that Amy is pregnant, and is only assuming that she has gained a lot of weight.
They sit on a bench, discussing how quiet the place is, and fall asleep...
Waking up on the TARDIS, becoming aware that it's getting colder, and why do they hear birds again...?
Waking up on the bench, and becoming aware that something weird is going on...
Waking up on the TARDIS, okay, you get the idea. They can't figure out which world is the real one, and also the Doctor threw the TARDIS manual into a sun, once, for disagreeing with him.
The village world is Rory's idyllic dream of the future, where he's a doctor to a quiet group of people (mainly the elderly) and Amy is pregnant with their child. Amy appears less enthused about this future. On the TARDIS, the temperature is rapidly dropping, and also a trolling little man has appeared out of nowhere, like Q on CRACK (the drug, not the cataclysm).
This is the Dream Lord, who is not, I repeat, NOT the Valeyard. AT ALL. COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE, WITH NO RELATION WHATSOEVER. IN SHORT, NOT THE VALEYARD.
Those sleeves are not nearly large enough.
He has a challenge for the Doctor and his companions: each world contains a major threat, but only one is real. If they die in their dream, they wake up (thanks for not Elm Streeting, Dream Lord). If they die in real life...well, what usually happens when you die in real life?
Anyways, as they try to figure out which is the real world, the Doctor is very concerned about Rory's mullet, while on the TARDIS, they are fourteen minutes from drifting into a frozen star, which does not include musical numbers that everyone now hates for being sung too much.
In the village world, the elderly patients are threatening them, the Dream Lord continues to taunt the Doctor, making the Doctor realize this is the person who hates him more than anyone else (silly angsty Doctor), and also the old people are a race of aliens who like to eat humans. Great!
They used to have human-eating contests with xenomorphs.
Rory and Amy lock themselves in their house while the Doctor barely escapes to a shop. Back on the TARDIS, Rory and the Doctor start arguing about which is the real world, with the most obvious subtext that this series ever subtexted while Amy looks very uncomfortable with the whole thing. The Doctor decides they should split up between the worlds, so the Dream Lord sends the boys off to the village and keeps Amy in the TARDIS so he can make the subtext even textier.
(Is textier a word? It is now.)
The Dream Lord flirts a lot, and wears a horrible outfit to go with it, all while pointing out that Amy might want to stop leading the other two on.
why why why why why why
Amy returns to the village, where Rory sacrifices his mullet for her, and just in time to go into labor too!
Then Rory dies.
Why yes, I do plan on using this picture every time Rory dies. Why do you ask?
When Amy realizes the Doctor can't do anything to change it, she turns on him and decides that a world without Rory isn't worth it. She crashes the van into the house to kill the old alien people...
And they win. The Dream Lord concedes defeat, and lets them go, and...the Doctor overloads the TARDIS engine. Why? Because the Dream Lord is such a jerk that this is probably a dream too!
For the record, he's right.
So what exactly was that? Well, some psychic pollen got into the TARDIS time rotor and overheated LOOK DON'T QUESTION THE LOGIC OF THIS SHOW.
And who was the Dream Lord? Why, just the culmination of the Doctor's malevolent impulses, WHO IS TOTALLY NOT THE VALEYARD AT ALL THEY ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE WHY ARE YOU SIDE-EYEING THIS EPISODE SO HARD
NOW YOU'VE GOT HIM GIVING THE SIDE EYE TOO WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
The pollen was feeding on this dark side, but Amy and Rory were just too darn nice for it. Amy and Rory kiss, and prepare for the next two parter.