In this episode, the Doctor, Rory, and Amy arrive in the House.
Or a Tarantino trunk scene. I mean, it's pretty similar.
The beast, for the record, is a Minotaur.
"I just forgot my room key! Honestly!"
As the group gets picked off one by one, the Doctor manages to temporarily trap the Minotaur and question it. It turns out, the Hotel has imprisoned the Minotaur, who feeds off the people without wishing to.
After Rita a Muslim woman, succumbs, the Doctor works out what's going: the Minotaur doesn't feed on fear, it feeds on faith. People meet their fears, which causes them to fall back on their faith, which is transferred to the Minotaur.
And even worse, the TARDIS was drawn to the Hotel because of Amy's faith in him. In order to save her, he has to entirely break her trust in him, which he does in the saddest speech ever. Okay, almost saddest speech.
Actually, Doctor Who contains a lot of sad speeches.
Amy's trust is broken when she realizes the Doctor can't save them, and the illusion fades to reveal a prison ship. The Minotaur wishes for death after being forced to feed on people for so long, but points out that the Doctor feels the same weariness of a too-long life as well.
The Doctor, disheartened, leaves Rory and Amy on Earth to live a normal life together.
For the Doctor, it's been 200 years since he last saw Amy and Rory. He is aware he only has a day to go till his death, so he is visiting his old friends. (Later on, compare this to the Twelfth Doctor's behavior, which involves a medieval rock concert. Have I mentioned the Twelfth Doctor is awesome? Because he's awesome.)
The Doctor drops by to visit Craig and Sophie, and their new baby,
Sophie has gone away for the weekend, and Craig is left trying to care for a baby by himself. The Doctor gives encouragement in the only way he can, which is through sheer nonsense, but upon leaving is distracted by anomalies. He tries very hard not to go to rescue, but just can't help himself.
Later, Craig is at a department store shopping with STORMAGEDDON, and discover the Doctor is working at a toy store, which is the most logical alternative to saving the galaxy for him.
Apparently, shop assistants, apart from constantly mistaking the Doctor and Craig for lovers, have sighted silver rats.
You see where we're going, now, don't you kids?
The Doctor and Craig enter an elevator, accidentally get teleported to a Cyberman ship, but the Doctor manages to reverse it.
Also, Amy is a perfume model and her and Rory have completely normal lives and will clearly never undergo anything strange again.
The Doctor and Craig catch a cybermat after hours, and, after some reprogramming, use it to track the Cyber signals.
The Doctor gets captured and discovers the Cybermen have been slowly siphoning bits of energy from the store to repower their ship. And convert the human race.
Craig leaves STORMAGEDDON with a store clerk so he can find the Doctor. He is promptly captured and the Cybermen attempt to convert him.
The Cybermen have a pretty bad learning curve when it comes to realizing humanity is hard to convert. Hearing STORMAGEDDON cry is enough to turn Craig into Robo Dad. The Cybermen experience emotions from Craig and...well...
why can't i stop watching this
In the end, Alfie sheds the title of STORMAGEDDON and comes to appreciate his father.
Yes, I know we're talking about an infant. Just go with it.
Meanwhile, in the future, River, having just become an archaeologist and still looking for the Doctor, is captured by Madame Kovarian, shoved into a space suit (which probably fits her better now that she's, you know, an adult), and submerged into Lake Silencio.
"Well, this wasn't exactly my idea of vacation after graduate school..."
The Wedding of River Song
Okay, get ready for a mindscrew. I'm still not sure I totally understand this episode, but that's okay, because it's fun.
The Doctor is trying to figure out why Madame Kovarian and the Silence want to kill him. The Teselecta, posing as a Silence and apparently crewed by people aren't as horrible as the last ones, offer to help him in any way they can, bludgeoning the audience with their foreshadowing as hard as possible.
The Doctor runs into Dorium. Who's Dorium? Oh, that blue guy I didn't know before. He was beheaded by the Headless Monks, but his head is still working. Dorium reveals that the Eleventh Doctor was originally meant to die on the planet of Trenzalore, and there a question will be asked "that must never be answered". Failing to see that said question is being asked all the time, because the fourth wall is rather permeable, the Doctor moves on. Once he discovers that the Brig has finally stopped being trapped in Brazil, or Peru, or wherever he was, and died waiting for him to come visit, which seriously THAT IS THE WORST THING EVER, HE KEPT WAITING AND WAITING FOR THE DOCTOR TO DROP BY AND HAVE A DRINK WITH HIM, WHAT THE HELL MOFFAT.
So, the Doctor heads on to Lake Silencio, and sends off his invitations from the beginning of the season. River, unable to control her movements, is set to shoot him, but then drains the weapon's system and averts the Doctor's death, a fixed point in time.
AND THEN EVERYTHING GETS REALLY CONFUSING.
Time gets stuck and mixed up at the same time. Churchhill is the Holy Roman Emperor, which sounds a lot like historical fanfiction. The Doctor is his "soothsayer", there are Silence all over the place, and then Amy arrives with an eyepatch (actually a drive designed to prevent Silence memory loss) and some soldiers to rescue him. Thanks to the crack in her bedroom, she is aware that time isn't right. River is aware too, but won't let the Doctor touch her, since that would cause previous events to resume. Rory is the captain of the squad of soldiers and Amy can't remember him. Again.
"In a world where everyone wears eye patches and flips their hair dramatically..."
Madame Kovarian is not as captured as they thought she was, as she and the Silence begin overrunning the Giza Pyramid, which is Area 52.
The patches are getting overloaded, Amy makes Madame Kovarian keep hers on, which kills her and is also a hilariously awesome scene, and then the Doctor points out to River that saving him will cause, you know, the destruction of reality. So he marries her. Yep, he just marries her out of the blue, which makes sense after all those accidental proposals. He tells her his name, kisses her, and then the timeline is restored.
Except the Doctor actually told River to look into his eye, because the Doctor that is shot is actually the Teselecta. The Teselecta giggle at their obvious foreshadowing, River arrives at Rory and Amy's house to explain it all, and Dorium mentions his favorite TV series, Doctor Who.
What's next for our hero? C.S. Lewis jokes, of course.