Monday, August 29, 2016

Movie Review: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

You know how I complained that the Civil War movie had no real conflict; that there was obviously a reasonable side and an unreasonable (see: Tony being Tony) side? Well, we have that exact same problem with Batman v Superman.

Except, see, Civil War's conflict still made sense. In Civil War, even though Tony was misguided and the government was simply being interfering, they made a good point about an American-based group meddling in other countries' affairs. Their resolution was ridiculous, restrictive, and Tony had too many feelings, but the criticisms themselves made sense.

In Batman v Superman, we have one good criticism, and the rest is Batman being even more paranoid than usual. The beginnings of Crazy Steve? After all, at one point I was absolutely waiting for Superman to declare "I am a man" and punch him.



ANYWAYS

I thought the movie was okay. Just okay. Not as horrible as everyone else thought it, but not really that good either. We start out by seeing the events of Man of Steel from Bruce Wayne's point of view. He has to tell his employees to evacuate their building. Why they hadn't done it already, we don't know. Either way, some old dude dies, and some other kid gets his legs crushed. It sucks, right? They make a great point about the absolute destruction caused by Superman refusing to just kill Zod in the first place and instead fly all over the city punching him through buildings and being punched through buildings in turn.

However, this is turned into Batman becoming absolutely insane. Like I said, he was nearing Crazy Steve levels. He becomes obsessed with Superman as a threat. He doesn't bother to, you know, go talk to the guy about what he did. Nope, he has to hunt down information about him, beating up and, basically, torturing bad guys. Because he thinks Superman might maybe possibly be a threat one day. To paraphrase, he thinks if there's even a slightest chance Superman might be a threat, they should just kill the guy.

Did I say he wasn't Crazy Steve yet? Never mind, he's Crazy Steve.

Thank God Bonkers Betty didn't happen.

Let's skip to the end. It's revealed that this is all being orchestrated by Lex Luthor Jr., who apparently decided he wanted to be the Joker that day instead. He giggles and twitches the entire time, and one wonders why anyone would give him access to alien technology, no matter how many Starbursts he offered them.

Throughout this, Wonder Woman is just hanging around in the background, doing...well, not much. Ostensibly trying to steal a picture of her posing with the boys in World War I (AM I THE ONLY ONE PUMPED FOR THAT MOVIE), but really just there to be available when Doomsday happens.

LEX LUTHOR IS A MONSTER

The entire problem with this conflict is that it is predicated on Batman refusing to talk about his problem, and just become increasingly paranoid until a Flashpoint paradox makes him even crazier. Dammit Barry!

And here's the kicker, the thing that made EVERYONE LAUGH SO HARD.

Batman stops trying to kill Superman because their moms share a very common name! I mean, I get what they were going for-hearing his mother's name jars him to his senses-but it was so narmtastic that it was hard to take it seriously. Plus, that solves all their problems right there. Not explaining their motives, just...moms.

For the record, Batman rescuing Superman's mom was AWESOME. I loved that scene.

The final fight was also pretty cool, although Lois, unfortunately, just made things worse.

But let's face it, you didn't come here to see Lois be cool.

You wanted to see Byron get punched in the face again.


It's okay, we all did. And he does more than get punched. He gets stabbed! Unfortunately, the combination of kryptonite and explosions seems to kill Superman.

We also get some cameos from the Flash, Cyborg, and Aquaman, who decided to rule the real sea instead of the grass sea.

So, it was...kind of a mess. Not horrible; it gave us a good set up for Justice League; but...not the best.

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