Wednesday, August 3, 2016

NuWho Reviews: Cold War, Hide, Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS

Cold War

So here we are in, the Cold War. A Soviet submarine is damaged by a frozen thing inside, and it isn't that crazy eldritch thing from Terminal Freeze. The Doctor and Clara arrive on board, confusing everyone. For some reason the TARDIS dematerializes to the South Pole.

It turns out the frozen thing is an Ice Warrior. You know, the jerks that made things bad for the Martian water virus thing, and made everything bad and scary.

Which makes you responsible for all the memes when we discovered water on Mars!

Anyways, they captured the Ice Warrior, Skaldak, because they think he is an evil capitalist. Sure, we'll go with that. Skaldak sends out a distress signal, and Clara tries to calm him because she's unarmed. We're doing Predator now? I guess we're doing Predator now.

After discovering he might be the last of his kind, Skaldak starts being a jerk and attacking everyone, and trying to destroy humanity for...um...defending themselves against him. But luckily, the other Ice Warriors show up, and now that Skaldak is happy he stops trying to fire ze missiles.

That's...really all there is. I wasn't particularly thrilled by it. Mainly because I think too much, and my thought on this is about sci fi warrior races in general. They consider war and fighting to be the most honorable thing ever, but when someone fights back against them they get super offended and rage-y. I mean, at least the Klingons LIKED fighting with everyone.

So, yeah.

Also, we can all agree that Professor Grisenko is the best, and we should all sing "Hungry Like The Wolf".

His love for the song became so great that he traveled the stars to teach others of its joy...



Hide

It was a dark and stormy night in the 70s, and Professor Alec Palmer, and his assistant Emma Grayling, are preparing for a haunted house mystery. Then the Doctor and Clara arrive, killing the mood. They pretend to be from the military, and the Doctor notices what the "ghost expert" doesn't: the ghost is in the same place in every single photograph. Also there's a romance thing going on with our two extras, and some implications for Clara and the Doctor, but who cares this is GOTHIC HORROR.

"If you faint half as much as Emily St. Aubert, I'M DONE."

Spooky things happen, and the Doctor and Clara pop up in the same place throughout history to take pictures of the ghost and see what's going on. Clara is freaked out by how calm the Doctor is about seeing the entirety of human history. Apparently he didn't tell her his first date with a girl was taking her to see her planet explode. Also, the TARDIS doesn't like Clara for...reasons.

Anyways, that doesn't matter, because the "ghost" is actually a time traveler named Hila, who is trapped in a time bubble that moves very slowly. The entropy of the pocket dimension would drain the TARDIS, because that would make the plot too easy to solve.

He has another blue crystal from the Planet of Death Spiders, and who knows why he went back there after his last experience. Using it, Emma can psychically open a gateway. The Doctor arrives there to find Hila being chased by a monster of some kind. The Doctor manages to get Hila out, but before he can leave, Emma passes out, and the gate closes.

Clara has to argue with the TARDIS, because...a sentient time machine that is devoted to her master won't help save him because she doesn't like the current companion? Look, this dynamic isn't even explained. It's just a bizarre side plot.

Just let this plotline make sense!

Anyways, they save the Doctor, it turns out Hila is Alec and Emma's great great great whatever granddaughter, and also the monster was separated from its mate and they brought it into their world, and it's a "love story" or something and

How did something that looked cool and creepy turn out so weird? I didn't really hate it, but...I felt like the plot degenerated as it went on.

But the real highlight is what the Doctor finds in the forest.




Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS

First...I love British spelling.

Second...WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY

So the TARDIS has been captured by a salvage crew. No, this is also not another episode of Firefly. Cease your wishes, for the universe will always disappoint you. We have three brothers, one of whom is treated horribly and convinced he is only an android, which is kind of horrible, but they don't really play a big part in all this. Let's just skip to the punchline: the TARDIS is damaged, and everyone is trapped inside, and Sexy is scary when she gets a little crazy like this.

See, we have zombies on the TARDIS. Why? The Doctor doesn't know, and Clara is freaked out, because only bad guys have zombies on their ships! It turns out that the zombies are actually future versions of them, having been killed and trying to stop it from happening. Thereby making it happen.

7 Days to 7 Days to 7 Days to 7 Days...


LOOK TIME TRAVEL IS CONFUSING, AND I WAS JUST A LITTLE FREAKED OUT THE WHOLE TIME.

Anyways, the Doctor creates a literal Big Friendly Button for Clara to press so they can reset everything. Despite the reset, the abuse of the third brother has not happened in the past. And also Clara discovered the Doctor's name when looking through a book, which makes me wonder...I mean, has none of his companions ever tried to read the giant shiny book in the TARDIS? Did he mindwipe them all just like he did Donna? I have a lot of questions here!

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