Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Top Ten Halloween Reads

It's that time of year again! Time to scare yourself so bad you want to leave all the lights on, and when you don't you find yourself imagining a monster crouched by the attic door as you lie motionless in bed, wishing you could go to the bathroom but not wanting your feet to touch the floor, lest the monster charge you as you get out of bed, which is a thing that totally only happens to children and never to mature adults who are married and have jobs and have responsibilities.


So without anymore stories that would definitely be embarrassing if they were real, here's what you should be reading for this Halloween:

10.) Bloodwalker by L.X. Cain

Yes, I have already reviewed this. Yes, I am saying this again. Read this book. It is really weird. It's really creepy. It has a murderous clown, which means it is perfect for this year. What's that? You don't like reading about a murderous clown when there's a clown standing out on your lawn? TOO BAD, READ IT ANYWAYS.

9.) Carmilla by J. Sheridan Le Fanu

You know that really nice kid you invited to stay in your house?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah good luck with that.

8.) House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielwski

The House is bigger on the inside, and about as fun as that time the Other House took over the TARDIS. Will Navidson's film of the House might not be real. Zampano's book about it doesn't really make sense. Johnny Truant might need to see a psychologist for his sex obsession, and also because he's being chased by an imaginary monster. Everyone, whether or not they actually exist, goes crazy anyways. You'll probably go crazy too.

7.) Brimstone by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child

You say spontaneous combustion, but some say "demonic attack". Tomato, tomahto. And what's this? Our beloved Count Fosco is alive and well after all, and has replaced his real birds with mechanical ones. When people just start cooking from the inside out, you ask Pendergast to look into it, because he's used to weird things happening in New York.

6.) Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

You know, trying to create life by sewing bits and pieces together is generally a bad idea, especially when you're hoping to stop death altogether. On the upside, the monster you create will become eloquent enough to explain why he wants to kill you.

5.) Dracula by Bram Stoker

You know that really nice guy that invited you to stay in his house?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah good luck with that.

4.) Ghost Stories of an Antiquary by M.R. James

These ghosts don't just go "boo". They do really weird things, like inhabit pictures to show you things, or throw parties next door when you're trying to sleep. Why? We don't know. There's a reason Lovecraft liked James so much. His stories are weird.

3.) The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

Take a little trip into the mind of a nice kid who slowly becomes a sociopath. And also wants immortality, can't forget that one. No supernatural threats, though, just your usual human darkness.

2.) House on the Borderland by William Hope Hodgson

There are pig-men. What? Yes, I don't know, they're just there. They want in your house. It's like a reverse Little Pigs. Also, the house will force you to live through the heat death of the universe. Why? Nope. Not gonna explain it. It just happens.

1.) The Cabinet of Curiosities by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child

Old victims and new victims alike, all with a certain surgical procedure done to cause death. Of course Pendergast has to get involved. He loves all the weird things. The question is, who is doing this and why?

Okay, you know what, can we just agree that the search for immortality is a questionable one at best? I'm looking at you, actual real scientists that are doing it. Just stop. Find something else to do. What, do you want us to be killed by eloquent monsters and/or Vorlons? Look at this guy. Removing the cauda equina while his victims are still conscious. Who even does that? Read on to find out, I guess.

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